Absolutely Audacious

During this time of year, a great deal of my time is spent reflecting. It annoys me, but it happens. I’ve not written a single thing in months. Maybe it’s a major case of writer’s block or maybe I’m just really no writer at all, but my head is so full.


So much as happened over the last two weeks; What began as Christmas “thought” quickly took the back burner with plans of becoming a New Year “thought”. We were blessed to enjoy a wonderful Christmas with our family and Santa did not disappoint. During such difficult financial times, we were incredibly fortunate to be able to provide for our children. The presents overflowed beneath the tree and their eyes and their “oo’s and ah’s” on Christmas morning made it all so beautiful! Seeing Christmas through their eyes was amazing this year and I am so grateful.


We enjoyed several days with our families, both my parents and Jeff’s as well as Jeff’s family. Watching the cousin’s play together reminded me of my youth. Listening to them fight with each other was annoying and exhausting, but when they had those beautiful moments of all getting along—I rejoiced in my heart. J


Sadly, on the 28th, I had a call from my mom where she told me my father’s dad, Papa, wasn’t doing so well. One of benefits of being a state employee is that I have a great deal of time off during the Christmas season. Jeff agreed that I should go to visit with my Papa and Grandma during this time as I may not have another opportunity. I arrived on the 29th and spend a couple hours with my grandparents. The way I figured, I owed my Papa a couple songs as it had been years since I was able to sing for him. We enjoyed some quiet time where I was able to sing  to him. On Thursday, I was again able to spend a good bit of the day there. I read from the book of Psalm to Papa, sang a little bit, talked to him about silly things and gave Grandma some time to get her hair fixed. Papa seemed to understand what was going on, but it was hard to tell.


As I sat there holding his hand, it was so important to me for him to know he wasn’t alone. I felt a connection from my childhood to this man that I knew as my Papa. I missed his smile and laugh, but have such wonderful memories where the laughter echoes softly. They way he smiled, the way he wore his baseball hat, slightly crocked, before it was the popular thing to do. I remembered how hard he worked and even how he would smell when he would come in from a morning working at the saw mill. A mixture of gasoline, perspiration, and saw dust—comforting in a very strange way. I can still see him standing the in the farm house kitchen eating a tomato that he had sprinkled salt on and talking to Grandma about the day.


On Friday, as I sat there beside him, I cried because I didn’t have many memories in my adulthood. It made me sad that so much time passed and I felt I lost my Papa a long time ago. But through the tears, I remembered the last thing he said to me, back in November. He said “I love you”. So even through a bit of guilt for not being the best granddaughter I could be, I am comforted by the fact that my Papa knew how much I loved him and I knew he loved me. I whispered to him that I was proud to have him as a Papa.


I came  home on Friday, 12/31, and my Papa passed away around 4am on 1/1/11. Not how I’d choose to start a new year, but I am blessed to have had a little time with him and blessed to have such a good man in my life as and Papa. Papa has always been a Red Sox fan and he’s always worried about his family. The last thing I told him was this: “We will keep rooting for those Red Sox! Jeff loves you, so do the kids. Listen, we are going to take real good care of Grandma, please don’t worry. You go see Jesus! We’ll meet you there in a little bit.”


12/24/10


As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed. ~Vincent van Gogh


As our final preparations are made for Christmas: laundry, dishes, dusting, cleaning bathrooms…I listen as Sam tells Abby about Santa. She about came unglued when he told her Santa will come down the chimney and then come check in her room. “No, he can’t see my room!” she shouted. It was cute, but I could sense her distaste for that thought. Jamie is in the next room screaming at Ben Roethlisberger in video game… my goodness, he must be an awful player who doesn’t do what Jamie tells him to do. Jeff is folding laundry and I’m just trying to get a thought out on “paper”.


2010 was a weird year and I’m really ECSTATIC to see it go. I honestly had high hopes that 2010 would be so much better than her predecessor. There were some really awesome events this year, but as a whole—it really sucked. Sorry, but it’s true. My family kept my head above water. My children kept air in my lungs and my obsession with NEEDTOBREATHE kept me occupied (no, Katie, I’m not a stalker, I swear


It was during some dark moments that really spectacular things happened. I found peace and comfort in unique places this year...


Children. While my eldest turned 10 yesterday and I am in shock, we are excited to celebrate this milestone with Sam, a phenomenal young boy. Jamie is still our lighthearted comedian. When I dyed my hair brown, he told me I looked like Katy Perry. “I like that, Jamie, she’s so pretty,” I said. He replied, “You’re pretty, Mom, duh.” Sam shook his head and said “she doesn’t look like Katy Perry.” Okay, Captain Obvious, just go with it! Abby has one speed--100mph. She’s in to absolutely everything! Jeff is convinced she is a mini magician. My darling Jeff has had the privilege of being the primary caregiver for our children. This isn’t what he, or I, thought would be our reality-- I am so thankful that he is such a good husband, father, and man. My children will surely benefit from all this time with their dad—a luxury they were not afforded in years past. Unemployment has been a difficult journey for us. Becoming a one income family has been challenging not only on individual levels but also relationally. But we face each day together and we keep looking up. Home. In June, we relocated to a little cottage by the lake. Our summer was spent playing, relaxing, and soaking up the sun. My internal rhythms have calmed dramatically since our move. This is the best place we’ve ever lived and finally feel “home”. Family. When we moved, we landed right next door to Jeff’s sister and her family. To many that seems risky to live so close to family, but I can honestly say it has been exactly what my family needed. To be so close to a family who has taken such good care of us has been amazing! Oh how important family is. A lesson I am extremely thankful for. Health. A weirdly insane battle with depression and bizarre anxiety, which I thought was killing me, exploded in May. As I lay at the doctor’s office who rushed an EKG due to my chest pains, I was scared to death. After the EKG, blood tests and discussion, the doctor looked at me and asked “what is going on?” I burst into tears and replied, “Everything!” This story would be a book, so I’ll just say I kept moving forward with the help of Jeff, family, friends and medication. Job. After a lot of debating, I took a giant leap when I decided to apply for a new job at the end of May. When I was offered the job in June, I started two weeks later in the midst of some major personal chaos. I had to learn so many new things, but the timing was right. I came into a new office filled with some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. The ladies in my group have truly been a source of strength for me. These women allow me to be silly, they allow me to cry, to rant and rave, they allow me to just be me and I love them for it. They’ve supported me along an insane personal journey and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I left a comfortable job for the uncomfortable and while I risked losing, I totally ended up gaining a whole heck of a lot. Some great friendships have been built and I am so fortunate! School. So Jeff and I are both back in school. He’s working on a Master’s degree and I my BS in Business. We must be gluttons for punishment! Unexpected Gifts. I was able to take a trip to Boston with four days where I didn’t have to stress over family or work—I could just have fun with dear friends and sleep. Again, let me say how fantastic my friends have been to me. Oh my word! There really aren’t words…just amazing. AND I got to see NEEDTOBREATHE three times in 2010! (Now my boys are moving on to bigger and better venues and my budget may not allow many more trips to see them, but I’m proud to “know” them.) Generosity and Grace. Our family has received many gifts this year. Friends who have reached out, felt a desire to help, and met our needs—even when no one knew about the need. Interesting how that works out. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends! Humility. It is difficult to accept gifts, especially when you can’t see how you deserve them. Of course, the reality is that I don’t deserve them, but it’s humbling just the same and I have truly felt loved.


I do have so much to be thankful for. I would be an absolute idiot not to focus on those things! I experienced some major heartbreak this year, but I’m looking forward to starting over— at the very beginning—in 2011. There were some extremely lonely times and dark places, but I know those have a purpose. Some lessons have been learned and some have yet to sink in, but this I know: I’m ready to get on with my life.

For 2011, it is really time for something new. So, I commit my energy to a new start. This year, I will:


keep my heart unlocked
see first the good in all people
search for truth
look for the light
breathe
and believe.



My hope is for my friends and family to have an absolutely audacious 2011. Here’s to new beginnings: living with veracity, loving fearlessly, and laughing hysterically!


Here we go...
Melissa

Whatcha Gonna Do

I haven’t written in so long simply because I didn’t want to. It’s been too difficult... a jumbled mess with strings of words that just don’t fit together to make anything coherent. It’s frustrating and disheartening, but it’s my life right now.

It’s just a very strange season in my life right now.

Up
Down
All around
Walking in the dark
Finding my way through
As if under a blindfold
I reach for familiar but feel nothing
Back
Forth
Stop and go
Wishing for a light
A glimpse of golden beams
Dancing on the horizon
As if under a blindfold
I reach for familiar but feel nothing
Blink
Blink
Eyes wide open
Eyes wide shut
No difference does it make
There is nothing to see
Nothing to feel
Cold
Black
Empty.

Lost in the Familiar

Funny story:  I actually got lost on the way to work the other morning.  I know, weird.  It all started due to a conversation with a friend who was telling me there may be a more direct route for me to get to work in the morning.  So, naturally, I decided to try the new route.  

Well don’t you know I missed a piece of the directions, the bit where I should have stayed straight and not merged left.  I’m not sure how far I drove, but as I drove, I quickly realized that it wasn’t correct.  I also quickly assessed that I should not pull over or stop to ask for directions.  So I kept on driving, determined to find something familiar.  Hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel, I was set.  As the scenery past by, I grew increasingly aware that I was not where I needed to be.  Compliment the awareness of being lost with the dense fog; I couldn’t see the city- which is typically my guide.  Thankfully, I finally spotted the sign for a familiar road, turned in the direction I thought I needed to go, and made my safely back around the world to get to work.

This morning, as I sat outside on the deck at dawn—a slight breeze blowing around me, the sun just starting to think about rising, I started laughing.  My story is funny in typical Melissa fashion.  But it occurred to me that it is common in my life. 

I know the directions, I know how to get from point A to point B AND I can follow directions—despite what the preceding story says.  But how often do I get turned around and refuse to stop?  Now sometimes it just isn’t safe to stop; sometimes it makes sense to keep driving until you see something familiar.  But when we get lost in the familiar- a place that you know and know well, what then?

Those thoughts led me down a trail and a thought of “Lost in the familiar”.    I think that sums up the way I have felt at times in my life.   My circumstances, environment, situation—all are familiar.   Those things don’t cause me alarm or discomfort.  But when I get lost in those familiar places, what then? 

And in our confusion, we set our minds so tightly to not stopping for directions, not regrouping, not refocusing—surely something familiar will come along.  We grip the wheel as tight as we can and we think our sheer determination will get us to where we need to be even though we are lost.  I don’t think determination is really what drives us.   It benefits us; it can be a positive and useful tool.  But what happens when our determination leads us so far off the path that we have no idea where we are? 

I do think there are times in life when we need to stay focused, keep our hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel and use that determination to our benefit.  I think there are times when you can’t see where you’re going and the storms are raging all around and you if you just stay the course, you’ll get where you’re going.

What about getting where you need to be?  Not getting where you’re going, but getting where you need to be?  That must be what getting lost in the familiar looks like.   My determination can get me where I’m going any day.  So can a map or GPS.  But getting where I need to be isn’t that easy.

Oh this isn’t coming out as easily as I had hoped it would.  Does it make sense to anyone?  The whole concept of getting lost in the familiar? 

Another example for me, from personal experience of getting lost in the routine, would be getting lost in my faith.  It can become so comfortable, routine, second nature and the routine gets us where we’re going.  But what happens when you become lost in the familiar?  Everything you thought you knew, everything familiar, and comfortable, all of the sudden become unknown.

Speaking honestly from my heart:  I’ve served through my church for 20 of my 32 years of life.  It’s a part of me; a huge part of who I am.  I have served the Church of the Nazarene for over 30 years, but now I’m lost in the familiar.  I’m lost in the antiquated, archaic system.  This beloved church that I have so diligently and whole heartily served is no longer comfortable to me.  I’m lost in the one place that I thought I knew. 

I suppose that can happen when you serve a building or an institution.  I suppose that can happen when you rely on getting where you’re going instead of where you need to be.  All those years, all that time—given freely.  I wanted to serve, but what now?  The very institution I have served no longer knows I exist.  What now?

Being lost in the familiar really stinks. 

Oh, don’t worry, I’m not depressed.  I’m just trying to figure out how to get un-lost. 

Thankfully my Father gives really good directions…

Overwhelming Sadness

Like the waves hit the sand and drift back and forth, I have these moments of overwhelming sadness. They just hit me, wash over and then they are gone. I am thankful that they go as quickly as they come, but it is a deep, haunting sadness at times that makes me feel as if I just feel off the monkey bars, landing flat on my back on the playground. I can't breathe, I can't talk--I just lay there.

So when these waves of overwhelming sadness hit me and then leave, I'm left trying to figure out why they choose me in the first place. I'm not sad, I'm not mad, I'm just enjoying my morning, watching a movie, sipping coffee, feeling the breeze off the lake, watching the calm and peaceful water sparkle in the sunlight. But there in the back of my mind, tucked in the corner collecting dust, are memories that contain the sadness.

Floating In Limbo

I haven't written ANYTHING in a long while.  Not sure why, but just haven't.  Writing is so therapeutic, so without that outlet, my head gets too full—so far it hasn't busted.  (Fingers crossed that it won't.)

The term Floating in Limbo came to me this morning on my commute in to town.  If I were to describe how I feel right now, today, this very moment, I would tell you that I feel like I'm floating in limbo. 

This by no means is a bad thing.    As David wrote "But as for me, I will sing your power.  I will shout with joy each morning because of your unfailing love.  For you have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress.  O my strength, to you I sing praises, for you, O God, are my refuge."  Psalm 59:16-17

I've been busy reveling in His power.  I've been wallowing in His love, tucked in close under His strong, protecting arms.   Oh to feel safe and protected!  It's refreshing after a long period of feeling raw, exposed, and storm tossed.  I'm as happy as a clam at high water!  (Google it.)

I just feel like I'm Floating in Limbo.  The awareness is that I can't stay here forever, but I don't feel the nudge to move necessarily.  I feel at peace in the in between… I've found peace in limbo.  How weird is that?  Most of the time we have to have a plan, we have to know where we go next; most times we obsess about what is coming  down the line.  I just don't care right now. 

"Be glad for God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always."  I don't know what THE PLAN is or if there even is A PLAN, but I know that I trust Him.  I know He's got me on His mind.  Patience is a new thing for me.  I've never known it before… but lake dwelling has given me a lesson in patience.  It's calmed my internal rhythms.  I've felt peace for the first time in a very long time.

For the first time in a long while, I'm okay waiting. I'm okay with floating in limbo. I don't have to know what's coming and I don't even care what's coming. I guess the lessons learned have shown me that I'm going to be okay no matter what comes along. In the good, in the bad, in the ugly—I'm going to be okay. My family is going to be okay.

I'm loving this peaceful, easy feeling… I'm taking it for what is and enjoying it. Will this be the norm for my life? Absolutely not. But it's good to live in the calm after the storm. At least I know it exist. Come what may, I know peace exists. I didn't find it, it found me and I am so thankful.

So while I'm not asking for a storm to come my way, I know that I'm ready. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm in good Hands…

Last 48

Okay, okay… so for me NOT to write about the last 48 hours of my life, I would do myself a grave injustice. I’m not stupid enough to believe that everyone would be interested in my stories and if you could care less, please read no further—I won’t be offended. But if you are intrigued, join me in the comical retelling of the last 48.

Tuesday morning I woke up late and had to rush getting ready. NO ONE likes to rush and when your commute is 30-45 minutes depending on traffic, running late really isn’t an option.

Thankfully, I wasn’t really late-late for work. Of course, 7am is awfully earlier to start the day, but whatever. Now I had several near mishaps early on in the morning as every time I’d walk down the hall, I’d slip on the newly waxed floors with my newly unearthed high heels (moving gave me a few ‘new’ outfits). I never wear heels but don’t you know the day I do, the floor and I just can’t seem to get along. Anyway, things cruised along until about 9am when everything came to a screeching halt for me. “You want me to do what?” Ever been asked to do something that you know you’re not supposed to? Ever been asked to do something that could lead to your immediate dismissal from your job? YONGAS!

Amidst all the hoopla, I broke out into a major sweat. Oh those blasted nerves! When this happened, I experienced a rush of sudden realization that in my early morning stupor, I obviously had forgotten a very important part of my regimen: DEODORANT. Sweating even more at this point, I was on a mission to find deodorant. Thankfully, a friend had back-up and I was saved… and all who would come in contact with me throughout the day were also saved.

As I was preparing for an important engagement at 2pm, I was met with even more insanity. It blows in and out of my office rapidly. Just as the distant thunder warns of the impending storm, I always know when the insanity is blowing my way.

As I departed for my hop-skip-and-a-jump engagement at 2pm, I was startled in the hallway as a head popped out from the side hall—it was a little person. Whoa. As many folks are unnerved by clowns, I am unnerved by little people. Please don’t be offended, it’s just something that has a strange effect on me. In her precious little voice she said

“I like your shoes” and I politely said “Oh thank you,” and scurried into the next office.

Oh please don’t follow me…sorry, but I can’t handle this…as the door shut behind me, I was breathing again.

I made my engagement fine, but forgot that I had gum in my mouth. How “professional”. I tried to glue it to the roof of my mouth, but during our conversation as it was my turn to speak, the bright fluorescent green gum fell. I quickly tucked it to the side, smoothing it as best I could to my molars. A very difficult task when you are speaking. I found my moment when the person I was speaking with looked down to read something off of her paper; at this point I was able to quickly dislodged the gum and swallow it. Please God, don’t let me choke… Phew… Thank you God for preventing the choking.

I made it through the meeting and I survived. With the shoes that nearly caused me to fall at least a half dozen times, the insanity, the startling emergence of the little person, the gum… I survived. Thank you Lord, I survived.

Fast-forward to Wednesday. Most of the day was fine… my troubles came in the afternoon.

I made it to work unscathed, but just late enough to not have a parking space. ANNOYING! So I darted over to visitor, I KNOW Preferred Parking, I KNOW! (Blast you Mr. B and your company of car boot happy minions!)

When I left work for the day and went out to the parking garage, I was so nervous when I spotted the parking attendants standing the garage staring at me. I was sure at that point I had been ticketed or booted. (You’ll be happy to know that I REMEMBERED my deodorant this day.) I frantically grabbed my keys and found my car. As I’m trying to get into the car, my nerves were getting the best of me. Please don’t talk to me… oh good, no ticket… come on keys, let me in the car… in true panic mode, I picked up my phone and acted as if I was answering it. I don’t know why, but I do that sometimes when I’m nervous. It makes me feel better to think that I’m talking to someone. (Yes, I know how weird that sounds, but whatever.) I could not get the stupid door to unlock! SERIOUSLY? What in the world! I hate this stupid car with it’s stupid broken door handle and cracked windshield…oh wait… this car has a door handle and no crack… MORON! This isn’t my car. So on my real phone, but fake conversation, I started laughing.

“I’m at the wrong car!” I said. HA HA HA went my nervous laugh.

“I’m such an idiot! Gotta go find my real car!” and hung up on my fake conversation with a person that was not on the other end.

When I found my car and got in, I got out of that blasted garage as quickly as my four wheels would take me. What in the world!!!!

When I arrived home, I was greeted by my beautiful daughter. We came inside and I changed my clothes. She was playing with the dog dishes—I’m such a wonderful mother. I came out to find water all over the floor. So, I grabbed a towel and cleaned it up. When I came back through and stepped down into the den, I slipped in water and my relatively tall/large body slammed to the floor—landing on my hand/wrist and shoulder. Immediate pain shot up through my arm and I started crying. Abby was so very concerned,

“Mommy cry? Mommy cry? Don’t cry baby.”

How can you cry when your baby is telling you not to cry? I had obviously missed some of the water, but made sure to dry it up with my body on my way back through.

After dinner, I went to sit on the couch, but first bent down to pick up the remote. I guess I really wasn’t paying much attention as I slammed my chin down into the arm of the couch. This caused me to bite my tongue and shatter my teeth. SERISOULY? It was most obvious to me at this point that I needed to sit still and not move. I safely made it through another day and found my way to my cozy bed around 11pm.

After the last 48 hours, I have been blessed with loads of nervous sweat, nervous laughter from the little person encounter, tons of eye rolling and SERIOUSLY? from the stupidity of my wrong car incident/fake phone conversation and thankfully only have minor bruising from the fall and a very small burn from my chin slamming into the upholstery of my couch.

What a crazy 48 this has been. Hope you’re laughing!

Home Is Where the Heart Is

You can't pack up the memories. As the photos have been taken down from the walls, mantle and various other areas of display, I'm struck with the overwhelming reality that you cannot really box up the memories. I cannot tenderly wrap them and place them snuggly within a cardboard shell. I cannot load them in my car and take them an hour up the road to unload them in the house on Beaten Path Road. The laughter, the tears, the many conversations and the many friends that have passed through the threshold on Markus Drive—those irreplaceable memories cannot be removed. They will echo in the small house forever, as long as the house is standing.

Sam's backyard baseball games; Jamie's backyard football; Abby's first room, first steps, first words… her first days of living out in the real world. The finger prints on the glass, on the walls… the footprints, the dust—all of combine to make so many wonderful memories.

They say that home is where the heart is. I used to believe that to mean that my heart belonged in the home on the side of the mountain in Virginia, off Ridgecrest Road. I used to think that my heart would always long for my childhood home; nothing can replace that home. So many memories that are impossible to remove from that home—they could not be boxed up and carried with me to each house that followed.

I have come to realize in my short life, that home is in fact where the heart is. Home is not four walls, bedrooms, bathrooms, living rooms-- home is not the "where", but the "who". Home is exactly where my heart is! And my heart is with my Sam, Jamie, Abby and Jeffrey. My heart is with them wherever they go; whatever they do—my heart belongs to them and is always with them. I am at home, at peace, when I am with them.

Preparing to move my entire family and life as I've known it for the past five years is very difficult. Harder than I thought it would be. My heart aches as I imagine my children starting over; making new friends in a new school. New routines, new schedules—a new life. It is exciting and for me, the chance at "new" is extraordinary. But I worry about my boys especially. I worry about my husband and his future career path. I'm the mom, I'm the wife—I'm supposed to worry, I suppose.

As I walk through the rooms as they empty out, I'm sad. I remember the parties, the dinners, the play—I think of each of the folks that have come into my home over the last five years. Some I don't see anymore; some I long to see again.

I pray for a new start; a fresh beginning. A chance to open my home once again to familiar friends, family and to invite new friends in. To sit and chat; to dine and play with people who I love and who I will learn to love. It really is quite exciting when you think about it! A blank slate, to be filled with whatever God chooses. So, I take a deep breath and I place one foot in front of the other.

It is not an easy road to travel. I can't pack up memories in neat little boxes, but I can carry the warmth of their existence in my heart. Some memories will fade as photographs, but some will remain with me always. And when I recall Markus Drive and my five years there, I will smile and I will know deep within my heart—my family, my heart, my life was blessed by that home.

As the door closes one last time behind me and the key turns the lock, I know that I can walk forward confidently into the new. Thank you for shelter, thank you for warmth, and thank you for the memories Markus Drive. May you richly bless those who walk through your doors henceforth and may they find peace, comfort, warmth and shelter within your walls.

Even the Squirrels

Taking a Sabbath these days has been more intentional, more purposeful.  It’s been over three weeks since I have been in a church “service”, yet I have maintained a weekly Sabbath.  An extremely meaningful time set aside to worship this God who loves me so dearly; a time to pursue God and his purposes for my life.  I understand that the Word says we should not give up meeting together and I believe that.  However, for me, in recent days, I’ve had to give that up.  For me it has been necessary in order to gain perspective.  Why do I believe?  Why do I serve? Why do I follow?  Who do I believe in?  Who do I serve? Who do I follow?

The study from the Word this morning is from Psalm 56.  I’ve been drawn to the Psalms as of late—it seems more relatable for such a time as this. Beautiful poetry, lyrics, and structure adequately describing my hearts song on many occasions.

Psalm 56- The Message

 ^1-4 Take my side, God—I'm getting kicked around, stomped on every day.
   Not a day goes by
      but somebody beats me up;
   They make it their duty
      to beat me up.
   When I get really afraid
      I come to you in trust.
   I'm proud to praise God;
      fearless now, I trust in God.
      What can mere mortals do?

 ^5-6 They don't let up—
      they smear my reputation
      and huddle to plot my collapse.
   They gang up,
      sneak together through the alleys
   To take me by surprise,
      wait their chance to get me.

 ⁷ Pay them back in evil!
      Get angry, God!
      Down with these people!

 ⁸ You've kept track of my every toss and turn
      through the sleepless nights,
   Each tear entered in your ledger,
      each ache written in your book.

 ⁹ If my enemies run away,
      turn tail when I yell at them,
   Then I'll know
      that God is on my side.
 ^10-11 I'm proud to praise God,
      proud to praise God.
   Fearless now, I trust in God;
      what can mere mortals do to me?

 ^12-13 God, you did everything you promised,
      and I'm thanking you with all my heart.
   You pulled me from the brink of death,
      my feet from the cliff-edge of doom.
   Now I stroll at leisure with God
      in the sunlit fields of life.

Amazing!  I am so proud to praise God.  I mean, the God of the Universe has been so good to me!  I’m humbled and overwhelmed today.

Look at all the blessing in my life!  First of all, I have sight—I can look at the creation surrounding me; the trees, the sun, the grass, the ants, the birds, the water, the dirt, the squirrels (yes, even squirrels)… my children, my husband, my family.  Right now, I am seated at my kitchen table.  I can see the sun streaming through the trees outside; I can hear the birds. Abby is resting peacefully in the other room; there are pictures of my family all around me-- these beautiful, precious children that God blessed my life with.  I do not deserve this 20/20 vision.  I do not deserve these beautiful children.  Their smiles, their laughter, their life energy!  I don’t deserve the devotion and adoration of my wonderful and amazing husband.  I don’t deserve the devotion of beautiful friends who love me even when I’m unlovable. 

Yet God opened up a giant gift closet and he keeps pulling out gifts just for me! They just keep coming.  Daily he opens my eyes to the precious gifts that He has hand-picked specifically for me.   He placed each and every piece of my life together long before I was even conceived.  He had a plan for me—for my life.  He wanted me.  He needed me.  He chose me and created me for His purpose.

When I look in the mirror, it is a difficult concept to grasp.  Why would God want me?  Why would my husband or children or family want me?  Why would my friends want me?   I am nothing.  I don’t love like I should; I don’t give like I should; I don’t reach out as I should; I’m incredibly flawed.  Yet I am surrounded by people who love me!  People who want me and people who need me.  Maybe the needing part isn’t entirely true—I don’t know.

The most amazing part of the story, of my story, is that I’m surrounded by God.  Jesus wants to walk with me and talk to me.  This Father and Son duo are intentional about loving me.  (Yes, I know it’s really a Trio.) They are intentional about seeking me.  They teach me with purpose and vision; they know what they want me to know.  They know what they need me to do and they are patient teachers, counselors and friends.  WOW!

This morning, my walk with God is a leisurely stroll in the sunlit fields of life!  He has captured each tear that has fallen.  He removes the sadness from each drop.  In its place, He puts a hint of joy in the salty mixture—a river of beautiful life streams down my cheeks.  He takes the wounds gently cleanses them.  A healing balm is placed over the cuts and scrapes on my delicate skin; the bruises are cooled with His tender hand.  The Spirit (ah, the Trio) breathes life into my lungs—a warm, radiant and comforting feeling pervades my body.  I am peaceful and I am at home with my Jesus. 

For all that You've done I will thank You,

For all that You're going to do,

For all that You've promised and all that You are

And all that has carried me through, Jesus I thank You.

And I thank You, thank You, Lord.

And I thank You, thank You, Lord.

Thank You for loving and setting me free,

Thank You for giving Your life just for me

Now I thank You, Jesus I thank You,

Gratefully thank You,

Thank You.

©1991, Shepherd's Heart Music

Words and Music by Dennis Jernigan

I want to be fearless in You.  Teach me how; show me the way.  I want to be bold and courageous in You.  Teach me, mold me, and shape me.  I want to love unconditionally!  Grow that kind of love deep within my soul. 

LIVE FREE!

On My Way

i've been trying to write for days now and i honestly have nothing.  it seems that i can't figure out how to piece together all the words flying around in my head.

so i'll start here.

 

i'm sorry.  it seems that, as of late, i've made many people angry with me. i cannot say or do anything right--so it seems.   i find it incredibly interesting how venomous the anger has been.  while i've been hurt by many people who i thought were friends, i can honestly say i hold no anger towards them.  we all fail.  we all mess up.

 

somewhere along the line, it seems some folks in my life had the idea that i thought i was something better than they were.  how sad that makes my heart!  if you truly know me, you know that would never be the case.   i recognize we are all flawed, we are all on the journey, we are all trying to figure this life out.

 

therefore, i'm giving up the fight.  i'm done.  white flag-- i surrender.

 

life is too short to be so hard on one another.  life is too short to get caught up in the legalism of our environments.   life is too short to be narrow minded- only focused on self.   i've seen how i've been stretched; how my eyes have been opened and my vision improved.  i've honed in on the target and i'm aiming at that.

 

i'm sad that i've lost friends.  it hurts my heart.  but at the same time, with that hurt, i wonder if they were ever truly friends to begin with?  i'm walking out of your life and you've not said a thing.  not one word.  so maybe you never really cared to begin with.  i just don't know.

 

i've had friends walk out of my life in the past.  some i have let go because i didn't know what else to do.  some i tried to hold onto, i tried to reach out to--but they didn't want me there.  i can't stay somewhere i'm not wanted.

 

so with my bags packed and a pocket full of my lessons learned-- i walk away.  i walk away from the old and with hopeful expectancy, look towards the new.   

 

   

stepping out

embracing the light

life in the breeze

on the wind

on the sea

what will i find

what will i do

can i ever really be seen

will you still love me

will you stand by me

one foot first

then the other

i know You're here

show me how to live

lift me up

give me wings

walk along this road with me

 

© 2010 Melissa Meador Wilson

 

 

 

 

My Life Song

When I turned my radio on at work, Something Beautiful was just beginning.  Deep cleansing breath—oh man, God is so good!  This song is my life song, my anthem.  Much like the Rainbow promise, it has come to represent all of God's promises tied up in a wildflower bouquet handed to me by the almighty Creator.  This song reminds me that God is moving, he is working, and he is with me.  It speaks to the depths of my soul—underneath all the mess, I trust God will honor my commitment to him.   While the circumstances surrounding my life aren't beautiful by any means, I've being totally consumed by Jesus. His presence almost takes my breath away! Through the tears and the pain, there is a beautiful plan for my life—that is the promise I will not let go of!  It's what gets me out of bed in the morning and helps me press on through the day.

 

When the day is done and I lay my head on my pillow, my conversations with Jesus vary.  I talk about how I feel - what makes me sad and what makes me happy.  All the while, I fully realize that it really isn't about me at all.  Sure, I hurt—I've lost a friend or two over the last year and I've taken quite a beating.  What an incredibly painful process all the way around. What really strikes me is that these losses haven't been due to death or relocation.   If I were to pinpoint a reason, I would place an X in the box marked "broken relationship due to inability to love unconditionally".  Recognizing your responsibility or your portion of the blame in a broken relationship is so hard.  But along with that recognition, I also see that it very much takes two committed individuals to be in a relationship.   

 

When it comes to right and wrong, I have no problem accepting my turn at the blame table.  Put a dunce cap on my head and place a placard around my neck that reads "IT'S ALL MY FAULT."  I do that well! (It's innate; I am a professional Blame Carrier.) I can say that I'm better and stronger for accepting my role in relationship dysfunction.  We all mess up and when we create relationship dysfunction, we should always seek forgiveness and do our part to work towards restoration- if that is how God leads you.

But what happens after all that? What happens after you take your turn at the blame table and wear the placard the time period of your sentence and then forgiveness isn't granted?  What happens when whoever you are in a relationship with refuses to waive the wand of forgiveness, hence dubbing you as Forgiven? 

If we are capable of unconditional love, what happens when we refuse to love each other unconditionally?

I've had a glimpse of that. 

 

Here's what I think happens: We take all the grace we have been given and we bottle it up; cap it tightly and seal it in an airtight container.  With our bottle of grace, we take a little car ride—heading to the bank. Once there, our signature is placed on the appropriate line and a one of kind key is presented for authentication. The vault doors are unlocked and we enter.  While in the vault, we take that air tight container filled with the grace we had been given and it is tucked neatly and efficiently in a safe deposit box.  While we're there, we also decide that the bottle of mercy we've been carrying around in our bag, carefully sealed the same way as the bottle of grace, needs to be deposited as well-- just to be on the safe side.  Nobody's going to get that grace or mercy!  Not without the appropriate signature or one of kind key.

 

When I think of it this way, it really makes me so sad.  For a Jesus follower, why would we hoard grace and mercy?  Why would we deny others the same things we were freely given?  And what leaves us to decide who deserves grace or mercy?  I'm very curious about this. 

 

In the same vein, what leaves us to decide who is worthy of our love and who is not?  Are we not all humans, created by God himself?  Are we all not loved by God?  If so, then why can't we love one another?

It's a dirty rotten game we humans like to play.  Somehow in our simplistic, egotistical, human being pea-brains, we've decided we know better than God.  Somewhere along the line, we've decided who is valuable, who is loveable, who deserves grace, mercy and who deserves forgiveness.  How heart-breaking and sad.

Regardless, God loves us.  He created us and he wants us!  When the thought crosses your brain and you feel that humans don't want you or have no use for you, let it be a fleeting thought.  Kick it out of your head!  God wants you and he most definitely has a purpose for your life!  Forget the humans, we are incapable of reading God's thoughts and we can't speak for him. 

 

What is He whispering in your ear?  When you sit and chat with Jesus, what is he saying to you?  How does he treat you?  I believe that when we are able to see Jesus for who he truly is, we will see his love and tenderness that you have probably never see.  You will find acceptance in His eyes.  When wrapped in his arms, you will feel the grace and mercy flow from him—it is palpable and it is life changing.

So what's your anthem?  What reminds you of God's promises?  Are you hung up on what people think, do, and say or are you focused on what Jesus is saying?

I once was blind

But now I see

I once was lost

But now I'm found

When I was down

You came around

You picked me up and carried me through the long dark night

There is nowhere I'd rather be

Then right next to You…

 

© 2010 Melissa Meador Wilson

Disappear

Along the open road
I am quietly walking
Intently listening for the melody
Fervently searching for the words
Could there be a song in my brokenness?
Left here on my own
Not a soul in sight
Longing just to hear some recognizable sound
Waiting to feel a familiar embrace
If there is a song from my brokenness, will I be able to sing it?
I do not know where this road is leading
All signs seem to have evaporated
Ahead in the distance
Someone stirs
Are they walking away?
Are they walking towards?
I just want to stop and sit
Stay here and disappear

 

 
©2010 Melissa Meador Wilson