Blue Eyed Boy

Oh my darling Sam with the sweet, sweet smile! (You know I couldn’t share about Jamie without sharing about Sam. Naturally, Abby notes will follow.) When I look at Sam, I see pieces of me. He is quiet and reflective—always thinking. He takes everything in and just mulls it over. He is shy, but not painfully -as I was at his age. He cries when he’s upset, just like me. He laughs, but you really have to work for his laughter some times. He is sensitive and his feeling get hurt easily, just like me. Oh, yes, I’m very sensitive and get hurt easily—I’ve learned ways to hide that, but I guess I just gave a secret away. (Nah, not really. If you know me, you know how false that statement was. I don’t hide my feelings well!) He writes songs and plays the guitar. He keeps a journal sometimes and can be very private. I DO know where he gets that from.


Sam is always striving to prove himself especially when it comes to his little brother. If we show too much attention to Jamie, Sam pipes up from the back making sure we know that he can run faster, read more difficult books, ride his bike better, do tricks on his skateboard, and spell words that Jamie could never dream of spelling. My darling Sam is very competitive. I don’t know where he gets that from. *wink*wink*

What I’ve learned from Sam is that I need to encourage him that he doesn’t have to prove himself to me, he doesn’t have to earn my love. I love him just because. Just because he’s my son--he’s Sam. That’s reason enough for me! When he hugs me, he lays his head on my shoulder and wraps both arms around my neck. He twists my hair between his fingers and he often gives me a secretive angel kiss so tender and sweet. Many times, I can feel him exhale and relax—and he even smiles with eyes closed. I feel so important in those moments. As I bury my face in his hair (which is kind of moppy right now), I inhale. Why? Because he’s my boy. I love the smell of his hair and love the way it feels when I tussle it in my hand.

I’m terrified of losing those moments. I dread the day that he no longer wants hugs and kisses from mom or he no longer wants to just sit with me and chat. I dread the day when he may hate me because I’m “not cool” or I’m so “lame and out of it”. What if he decides he doesn’t like God or our family or anything that I love simply because I love it? I get so scared sometimes that I’ll lose him forever. I often make him promise that he’ll still hug me and tell me he loves me even when he’s an old married man. (Of course, 30 is just ancient in his book!)

I want for Sam (and my other two) a life full of adventure. I want him to be courageous and bold. I want him to live his dreams and never be afraid to chase those dreams. Oh how I want him to be confident of who he is and who he was created to be. I lived so much of my life afraid to be me and afraid of my own shadow at times. I don’t want that for him!

Sam is always so forgiving. Being the oldest, he’s seen many of my mistakes in the motherhood experience. After all, we were both newbie’s when we met. But he shows me mercy and grace and loves with a big heart… I want to be like him.

Second Chances

Jamie is a funny little boy! He is like sunbeams dancing on the water. He is laughter and joy. He is love and mercy. My son, Jamie, is literally my sunshine. He is a gift from God to remind me to smile and laugh and enjoy every ounce of the day fully. Jamie scoops up every hour of the day he can. He soaks in the sunshine and it radiates from him. His smile rips holes in the clouds and makes the sunshine pour out over me! The laughter, his sweet, sweet laughter wipes all the sadness away.

I had the privilege to pray with my son this morning. With tears welling up in my eyes, I listened as he prayed that God would heal is brother so they could play outside together. How preciously simple yet words my Father listens to. The faith of a child. The pure innocence of his heart and mind.

When I asked him to tell me something he knew about God, he told me that God heals people. One of those annoying little frogs jumped into my throat and I had to quickly compose myself. “Yes, dear, sometime He does heal people.” I didn’t have it in me to tell him what I was thinking. He doesn’t always heal people. Like clockwork, my mind was flooded with memories of my grandfather, Sam. I saw him as if he were in photographs, videos, moments captured in my mind. I was painfully reminded of a time when God didn’t heal the way I thought He would. As Jamie and I prayed together, I held his hand and kissed him gently. He climbed out of the car and off into the school he went. So precious and innocent. I breathed a prayer that God would keep him safe in His hands today.  I prayed that Jamie (and my other two) would come to understand God better than I.

I kept the tears back almost as if I swallowed them in one huge and slightly painful frog-filled gulp. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. It’s just easier not to cry. I still feel the pain, but I can keep it to myself.  As I contemplated all that Jamie had said and all that I had felt in that moment with him, I was at peace.  I looked at healing in a different light.  

You are probably annoyed with hearing about needtobreathe, but I tell you the truth: their song came on as I was quiet before God this morning. “Second Chances” was playing softly… a divine appointment if you will.

All my past is color
Placed inside my hands
Empty is the canvas
Patiently I plan
Stars are bright above me
That’s not where I am
Greens will be behind me
Blues will make the man

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
Greys are all around me
Fading into black
Stars were bright above me
Won’t you bring them back

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
If time can break us, will it make us strong
Cause seldom second chances come along

No, God doesn’t heal all those who are sick. Not the way we think He should anyway. But God does heal. Gently and calmly, He heals. More than physically healing someone who is ill or a disease or other affliction, God heals the broken hearts. God heals the wounds- the self inflicted wounds, the self defensive wounds. God heals the brokenness, the sadness, the disappointment. The most beautiful thing to me is that in the healing is that God gives us a second chance. When we mess things up, when our pride and selfishness get in the way- God can remove all that. He lets us start over. He gives us a blank canvas.  And when He heals our hurt or disappointment,  He leads us towards forgiving and forgetting.  Again, a blank canvas-- a new start.


I don’t understand God. I don’t get the whole God thing some days. Sometimes, I wonder if He’s really there. But then I have these moments of certainty and clarity. Moments where I feel like I’ve experienced something Divine. I literally feel warmth stir within me and know that He is with me, even when I’m alone. Lately, it has been difficult for me to pray and my faith is rather microscopic, as if it were a fledgling faith. Yet I still hear Him. He speaks to me through my children and my husband. He speaks to me through songs and through friends. He is changing me-- slowly and sometimes painfully, but I am growing.

There are days when my existence feels meaningless and my failures overwhelming.  My internal list of “successes” and “failures” isn’t looking to good. Final Score: Successes’ 4 Failures 294  No, I won’t ever get everything just right. I’m human and nothing remotely close to perfect. I will fail a lot more, but I will succeed a lot more, too. I believe that failures produce strength- somehow.  

I carry both the self inflicted and defensive wounds.  But I'm confident that the wounds will heal.  And as a wound heals, there will be a scar--a faint reminder of what used to be. But with healing comes a second chance.

My blank canvas is waiting...

Looking for the Rainbow

There is a song I remember from my childhood. Okay, there are several songs, but this one in particular always comes to mind on rainy days. No, it’s not “Tomorrow” belted out at the top of lungs in the stairwell with fantastic reverb—it’s a little ditty that goes something like this: “When it rains, look for the rainbow…” so I don’t remember all the words and had to look them up.

When It Rains Look for the Rainbow
You can watch clouds go by and be glad
When it Rains Look for the Rainbow
It will show up so, no need to be sad, feel bad

© 1982 Sparrow Song/Cherry River Music Co

That got me thinking about rain and sunshine and more rainbows. Turns out, there are several songs out there about rainbows.

Rainbow by Jack Johnson
I woke up this morning A rainbow filled the sky Yes I woke up this morning A rainbow filled the sky Well that was God telling me Everything is gonna be alright


Rainbow as sung by Colbie Caillet
I'm still feelin the rain fall And bouncin off my skin How long do I have to wait for The sun to shine again Come on paint me the rainbows I can follow it I don't know where it'll take me But I like wonderin
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me. Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, Why then - oh, why can't I? If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can't I?

And let us not forget the famous and handsome, Kermit the Frog singing

Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it. I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me. Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of that and someone believed it. Look what it's done so far. What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing and what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.

When it rains, I do look for the rainbow-- literally and figuratively. There just is no other choice. Sometimes I spend so much energy and time looking down and trying to avoid the puddles from the rain. But what if I looked up? What if I allowed myself to step in the puddles? Sometimes you just cannot avoid them and your shoes get soaked and your pant legs get wet. You’ll be uncomfortable for a little while but you'll dry out, eventually. But rainbows are so unique and rare—if I’m looking down, I might miss one! I might miss something beautiful. The rainbow is my promise that even on the darkest day, there is beauty to be seen.
“Even when the rain falls and the floods start rising.”
Even when my shoes get all slushy and my pants are soaked.
Even when I forget the blasted umbrella and I’m completely soaked to the core.
Even then, there is something beautiful coming, something beautiful to see.

So I hold on to the hope planted in my heart. I tightly grip the promises I’ve been given and I don’t let go. I can’t let go. I can’t keep looking down. (Yeah, I might run into something, but I do that anyway- I’m clumsy like that.) I just don’t want to miss the chance to see my rainbow! These rainy, cloudy days get me down. But the promise of rainbows is life changing.

When it rains, look for rainbows, my friend, and don't give up, even when the rain falls.



www.needtobreathe.net

Garden

I run through the darkness to the garden. I must find him.

Ahead in the distance, I hear someone weeping. Cautiously, I approach. I can see him through the shadows of the night. He lay on the ground, sobbing. I’m afraid to go any closer. My stomach turns and I can’t stand to look. His pain is palpable. His body is overcome by uncontrollable trembling. I watch. I listen. Covering my ears only muffles the resonance of his cries. The sorrow is excruciating.

He is speaking now and I recognize that it must be with the Father. He pleads. For a moment, I think he is unsure. “Father, take this cup from me,” I hear him plead. With calm finality, his head bows, I sense that his choice is made. Quietly he stands to his feet. He turns and looks my way and I see in his eyes that he has determined to do this. He will do this for me.

I run to him and fall at his feet—begging him, pleading with him as I grab a hold of him.

“Please no, don’t go! I cannot let you go- I will not let you do this for me. You cannot go!” His look is solemn and decided.   “Please don’t go!” I plead again.

My grip loosens and he takes a step back. I stand and we are face to face. But I cannot look in his eyes. As he stands before me, he places his hands on my arms. Through my tears, I try to look into his eyes. I see pain, I see fear, I see hurt…“Melissa, my love will give you life and freedom,” he says. “You would not fully understand it all if I do not go.”

He leans forward and tenderly kisses my forehead. I fall to my knees overcome with sorrow. As he turns to walk away, he glances back over his shoulder; I see tears in his eyes.

“Because I love you,” he said.

Oh how I want to learn about pure, unconditional sacrifice. How I want to be like Jesus… He knew Judas would betray him, he knew Peter would deny him, not once but three times. He knew people hated him simply because he was not what they wanted him to be. Yet he still made the decision to give his life so that we may live. Why? Because he loved them.

Dear God, I’m sorry I’m so afraid. If today or tomorrow means my death, please let this suffering not be in vain. I’m so sorry that I’ve let fear steal from me. Teach me to be like Jesus. Teach me how to sing songs from my heart that will bring joy to you. Teach me your favorite song, plant it in my heart—Father let my heart be after you. Only you.


Copyright © 2009 Melissa Meador Wilson





Garden by needtobreathe

Won't you take this cup from me?
because fear has stolen all my sleep.

If tomorrow means my death
pray you'll save their souls with it.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

In this hour of doubt I see
who I am is not just me
so give me strength to die myself
so love can live to tell the tale.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

Father let my heart be for you
For you
For you
For you

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you.