Death Sucks (orig. 5.2.11)

No matter how you look at it, death hurts those left behind.  No matter how it comes... it just sucks.  Anytime I hear of a suicide, my heart simply shatters into thousands of pieces.  It's hard, because I'd never ever want anyone to think that my pain is so great due to a closeness that didn’t exist, but there is a hole there, no matter what angle I come at it.   

I’m transported, not by choice, back to a place and time that I don’t like revisiting.  My mind is flooded with memories of my  friend who decided to end his own life. I was in 9th grade, he was in 11th—I still see his face and am occasionally haunted by nightmares where he screams out my name and reaches for me from a cold darkness.  I remember vividly that helpless feeling; the confusion, the loss that followed in the days after he left.  The heavy, deep sadness that permeates every fiber of your being, with venom that slowly crawls through your veins, leaving you paralyzed under the shock. 

When I heard the news of an old friend who recently decided to end his life, it brought back it all back to the forefront.  It just hurts so badly.   Memories flood in and things that you thought you had forgotten seem as if they happened just yesterday!  I can see his face—that crooked smile, hear his voice.  I can even hear him laugh.  My God, that was over 15 years ago, but he’s right here in front of me!  My heart hurts and I have this horrible sickening feeling in my stomach.  That feeling that you never want to feel once, much less twice or more.  I hurt for his family and for his close friends.  Oh my goodness do I hurt for them.

As someone who has personally struggled with depression, it makes me all the more aware the existence of that very dark place.  I’ve been to the edge of the darkness; that scary place where you wonder why you exist?  That place where you cry out for peace or for a hand to hold your own or for someone who can understand.  How can anyone understand when you don’t understand yourself?  You try to walk the road, quietly and unnoticed—yet you want someone to notice.  And even when they do notice, it still doesn’t seem like enough.   To be so afraid of what you feel, but more afraid of what friends will think if you tell them.  And worse yet, how do you tell them?  How do you explain the darkness, the sadness, the pain? 

Hope stepped in and intervened on my behalf. Somehow, through the darkness, I never let go of hope.  I have a physical reaction when  think of someone who has lost hope.  I tense up, I hold my breath, and my body gets really agitated.  I just ache when I think that someone feels so alone or hopeless--it truly breaks me.  An overwhelming feeling of helplessness pervades.  What could I have done then and what could I possibly do now?  The only thing I know to do is to promise myself never to forget who they are, that they existed, or the influence they had on my life.  

We each find different ways to remember the people we’ve lost.  And no matter how we lose our friends and family, there still remains a hole that can never be filled by another human being.  I’m going to do what I can to shine a light in the darkness.  It's all I know to do.

Check out the organization To Write Love On Her Arms... donate in remembrance of a loved one or in honor of a loved one who daily battles with depression, addiction, etc.   Let them know how important they are in your life story!

To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

She, Like A Vapor (orig. 3.21.11)

She, like a vapor

vanished into the atmosphere,

gone without a trace.

Her face we once knew well,

kind and gentle,

love in every detail.

Her laugh beckoned us,

with depth and warmth,

peaceful to its core.

Was she ever really there?

Running through the trees,

Quickly across the meadow,

The tall grass cutting like small razors.

Tripping over the rocks,

Hurling through the water,

Tossed back and forth between the hills.

Lost in the unfamiliar,

Caught like a rabbit in the snare,

Cries go unanswered.

Cold and wet,

Alone with a deep excruciating sadness,

Unaware of freedom,

Succumbed to the captivity.

Was she ever really there?

2011 © Melissa Meador Wilson

Invisible Sadness (orig. 2.15.11)

Pulling her down,

Far away from the ground,

Around and around,

Spinning out of control

Slipping in

Out

Never certain of how

Or why

She cannot be what she wants to be

But what shall she be today?

Up

Down

Back

Forth

In front

Behind

What shall she be

For you today?

Thrown aside

Tossed out-of-the-way

Feeling like waste

Did she ever exist?

Was she ever even really there?

Falling up

The sky may catch her,

Unerringly where it should

If only it could

Moving quietly

Over

Far away

Under

Invisible sadness

She will not be what she wants to be

But can she be her today?

Down

Up

Forth

Back

Behind

In front

What shall she be

For you today?

 

© 2011 Melissa Meador Wilson

trying to find my voice (original 1.19.11)

i cried the night i saw it on Glee.  the story line definitely hit me-- i really hate it when that happens!  i've heard the song a hundred times before; always thought it was beautiful, but that particular night it was different.  i connected.  i shed a few tears and inside my chest, quietly buried beneath a tough exterior, my little heart broke into thousands of small pieces.

andrea sent Glee music to me for my birthday. during my regular commute home, this song began to play.  i turned the volume up as i recognized the music.  such a gorgeous melody.  a perfect marriage of beauty, tenderness, sadness and pain. i cried again.  the song just makes me sad, but it's an oddly beautiful sadness.

i've held so many dreams in my lifetime.  i remember a time when i believed anything was possible; the days of my youth where life seemed limitless!  so unaware.  my naivete gave me a constant smile;  it told me all people were good, things would always turn out right...  it was as if i had no idea of my own vulnerability and no clue that any danger existed at all.  oh how life really chews up our naivete, rips our innocence to shreds, and kills our dreams.

i don't write or talk much about my adoption.  some days, i don't think too much about it, but some days i do. the older i get, the more difficult it has become to communicate with people what i feel.  it's like a vast canyon that at times is filled with life giving water and other times empty and so dry, nothing could live there.  when i try to explain what i feel or what i think, i can't.   it's like being on an hunting expedition for the rare and hard to find words that may be able to describe what i feel inside. even if i did find the rare words and if i did speak those words, it would be as if i was speaking a foreign language to most.

i love finding quotes.  there are time when the words of others have the ability to give a good glimpse into what i'm feeling, but i can't even use the word formulations of others to articulate the feelings within.  i'm comforted by the reality that music speaks what words cannot and transcends any language barrier.  there are times the music tells the story far better the lonely words ever could.  victor hugo is quoted as saying "music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."   oh to hear a melody, a meeting of musical notes, each note carrying a meaning of it's own, blending perfectly to tell a story that you could not tell or could not understand otherwise. 

in this song is a beautiful sadness.  a nostalgic reminiscences of moments past with the beauty of the dreams you once held compounded with the certainty that there are hurts in life--no matter how much you wish they didn't exist. and a reality that some dreams will just be that--dreams.

i haven't been able to sing in months. when i find my voice, this is the song i'll sing.  for now, these two communicate what i wish i could far better than i...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
(But the tigers come at night)
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
(As they tear your hope apart)
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

.
so,  i found a song that expresses some of what i feel inside. this particular song speaks to a quiet sadness inside, but it leaves out an important part of my story because my story isn't all sad.  there is a lot of happiness inside as well.  i'm not sure you can have happiness without sadness or sadness without happiness.   it seems the two are mutually dependent on one another.  i'm thankful that deep within my sometimes broken heart, there is not only a beautiful sadness but a healing happiness as well.