trying to find my voice (original 1.19.11)

i cried the night i saw it on Glee.  the story line definitely hit me-- i really hate it when that happens!  i've heard the song a hundred times before; always thought it was beautiful, but that particular night it was different.  i connected.  i shed a few tears and inside my chest, quietly buried beneath a tough exterior, my little heart broke into thousands of small pieces.

andrea sent Glee music to me for my birthday. during my regular commute home, this song began to play.  i turned the volume up as i recognized the music.  such a gorgeous melody.  a perfect marriage of beauty, tenderness, sadness and pain. i cried again.  the song just makes me sad, but it's an oddly beautiful sadness.

i've held so many dreams in my lifetime.  i remember a time when i believed anything was possible; the days of my youth where life seemed limitless!  so unaware.  my naivete gave me a constant smile;  it told me all people were good, things would always turn out right...  it was as if i had no idea of my own vulnerability and no clue that any danger existed at all.  oh how life really chews up our naivete, rips our innocence to shreds, and kills our dreams.

i don't write or talk much about my adoption.  some days, i don't think too much about it, but some days i do. the older i get, the more difficult it has become to communicate with people what i feel.  it's like a vast canyon that at times is filled with life giving water and other times empty and so dry, nothing could live there.  when i try to explain what i feel or what i think, i can't.   it's like being on an hunting expedition for the rare and hard to find words that may be able to describe what i feel inside. even if i did find the rare words and if i did speak those words, it would be as if i was speaking a foreign language to most.

i love finding quotes.  there are time when the words of others have the ability to give a good glimpse into what i'm feeling, but i can't even use the word formulations of others to articulate the feelings within.  i'm comforted by the reality that music speaks what words cannot and transcends any language barrier.  there are times the music tells the story far better the lonely words ever could.  victor hugo is quoted as saying "music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."   oh to hear a melody, a meeting of musical notes, each note carrying a meaning of it's own, blending perfectly to tell a story that you could not tell or could not understand otherwise. 

in this song is a beautiful sadness.  a nostalgic reminiscences of moments past with the beauty of the dreams you once held compounded with the certainty that there are hurts in life--no matter how much you wish they didn't exist. and a reality that some dreams will just be that--dreams.

i haven't been able to sing in months. when i find my voice, this is the song i'll sing.  for now, these two communicate what i wish i could far better than i...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
(But the tigers come at night)
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
(As they tear your hope apart)
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

.
so,  i found a song that expresses some of what i feel inside. this particular song speaks to a quiet sadness inside, but it leaves out an important part of my story because my story isn't all sad.  there is a lot of happiness inside as well.  i'm not sure you can have happiness without sadness or sadness without happiness.   it seems the two are mutually dependent on one another.  i'm thankful that deep within my sometimes broken heart, there is not only a beautiful sadness but a healing happiness as well.

I Would If I Could but I Can’t So I Won’t

Dear Friend:

I hope when you read this, you will know this is for you. This is a message from Jesus. No, he doesn't need me to tell you anything, but he does use me to encourage your faith. I hope your heart is wide open, your ears are clear, and your mind focused on Him.

I know things have been difficult lately. You carry a heavy load some day with many thought and fears. You can allow yourself to be anxious at times. You shed tears on occasion beneath the weight of all you carry. I'm so sorry your load is heavy today. And on top of it, it's raining on you.

Well listen, you've got a friend in me. I'm always going to be here for you. When the rain drops fall one by one and you feel all alone, I'm willing to walk in the rain with you. I'll try to remember an umbrella. I know you want to hide; the pain is overwhelming, but you're alone when you hide. No, I can't stop the rain- I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't. But I have hugs to give, with lots of love to offer.

You didn't do anything to deserve this. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. The rain falls on all of us. The storms come along and we are all victim to the dark clouds and torrential down pours. It's a fact of life! But know this: you are dearly loved. You are a precious child of an almighty King. He loves you and adores you. He doesn't like to see the rain fall on you. In fact, he's sad when you're sad.

Listen, I can't make the rain stop. I don't even have an umbrella big enough to really shelter you, but I will be with you. I will stand beside you through the storm, until the rain stops. I promise. I believe in you. I love you. I know that this storm, this rain, is nothing. You've got this.

Don't give up.

Don't hide.

When the rain comes, He's there beside you. He's way better than me, but I'll be there beside you too.


I love you, friend.
~Melissa


When the Rain Comes
by THIRD DAY

Letting Go

T.D. Jakes   (with my thoughts in italics)



There are people who can walk away from you.      You don't say.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.    But isn't that cruel?

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.  But maybe it's my fault, maybe I made them walk away.  Maybe I can fix it!

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]  So if they were really connected to us, they wouldn't have considered walking away?  I don't get it.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.  But what if it's not really dead?  What if I walk away and by walking away, I kill it?

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something- I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.  Oh but that goes against everything I was taught to believe!

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!   How do I know if it was never intended for me?

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…LET IT GO!!!  I try, believe me I try, but somehow they wind up jumping in my path over and over.

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!   But what if it's really my fault?  Maybe I didn't love them the right way?  Maybe I'm not worth it?

If someone has angered you…LET IT GO!!!   But what if I deserve their anger?

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!   Those thoughts are fleeting.

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents…LET IT GO!!!  But what about my kids?  How will I feed them? Or clothe them?  They need a home and food and shelter... they need sane, healthy parents.  Why do I deserve to have my needs met?  Will anyone really benefit from my talents?  Maybe I don't have talents?

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!


If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…LET IT GO!!!  I'd love for the relationships to heal, but doesn't that take both sides in the relationship to seek healing?  Why do I walk away from that?


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves…LET IT GO!!!  But I thought we should never give up trying?


If you're feeling depressed and stressed…LET IT GO!!!  Can't I just take medication for that?


If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to…LET IT GO!!! 


'The Battle is the Lord's!'


----------------------------------------------------

I think the concept of Letting Go quite possibly goes against what I have been taught. Now, I have been taught to let go of "sin, hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, etc". But I've never been taught that I should let go of people who walk away.


Throughout my lifetime, I've had some experience in more ways than one with people who have walked away. They just decide they don't love me, they don't like me, they don't need me and they walk away. The hardest part about some of that “walking away” business is that some of those folks led me to believe that it's entirely my fault they chose to walk away. And I do recognize that in some of the situations, the Deceiver led me to that belief.

I guess I’m learning a difficult lesson today. It could be that God wants me to let them walk. He wants me to say “it was fun while it lasted” or “thanks for the memories”. He could be saying this chapter is closing and it’s time to begin the next chapter and IT’S OKAY TO LET GO!


I desperately want to understand this concept. In the meantime…


Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

~1 Corinthians 13

Where Does Hope Live?

An interesting thing happened the other day. It has been a very long time since I heard the phrase "you are valuable" from a colleague or mentor. Just the other day, someone told me that I am valuable and that I have a lot to offer. My little heart skipped a great big beat. There were no tears- I couldn't let them free at the time.


Wow! It's been so long since I heard that and even longer since I believed it. Who? Me? Not me. Surely you're not talking about me. See, somehow, I've found myself in a place where I have felt as if I have no value.


Why? Well, I figure there are a couple things going on here.


1.) Somewhere along the line, I've been tricked into believing the wrong voices. I've allowed myself to become distracted by humans. The human voices- the imperfect human shouts loudly. The imperfect human has a lot to say, but very little substance. But I listen. And you know what, some of the things those voices say just aren't good. The voices shout lies and I listen. BOO!



2.) Somewhere along the line, I allowed myself to forgot the fact that God loves me, period. He just loves me. The great big almighty creator loves me. What? (I think this makes sense due to the fact I've been so distracted by humans. Especially human who claim to be Christians, but their words and actions don't align.)



So I find Jesus leading me back to what I know to be the truth. He grabs me by the hand, and turns me around. He makes me look right in his eyes.


"I will not let you forget, Melissa. You know the truth and you've got to listen."


God sends Jesus to take me back to the same place. Over and over, he walks me back. He never gets irate with me. Annoyed possibly, but never angry.


He has his way of taking me back to the first time we met.


It was 1995 on a warm summer evening following a youth service at camp. I sat on a white cinder block wall, with a pastor, a friend. My pastor friend was telling me about Jesus. This wasn't my first rodeo. I was raised in the church, I had been to church over and over... sat through hundred of services, lessons, camps, and on and on. I was 17 for goodness sakes! I'd heard it all before. But on that particular night, I heard something different. I heard Jesus telling me he loves me. I heard him telling me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I heard him telling me that he had searched me and that he knew me. He even told me he knew me BEFORE I was born. He knew me when I was knit together in my mother’s womb. I mean, Jesus knew me. Everything about me. Everything I tried to hide-- the sin, the hurts, the scars, the wounds, the pain, the happiness, the silliness-- He knew it. And he loved me- big mess and all. That was the night I made the decision to give my life to Jesus. He met me on a cinder block wall in Nowheresville. He spoke through my pastor and friend. He got my attention.



He kept telling me over and over again how much he loved me. I kept saying "but what about this and what about that?"  He wouldn't hear it.  He didn't care about all the junk. He just needed me to know that he loved me for me. He always had and he always will.


My friend Jesus takes me back to 1995 just when I need it the most. He sits me on the cinder block wall -- he takes me back so I can remember what he has done in my life. So I can remember the journey—what led me to the cinder block wall and what led me to where I am today.



You know what he did this time? Oh Jesus is such an amazing friend! This time, he sat me beside my pastor and friend. The one from 1995. Jesus took me to a place where I could hear that familiar voice. Jesus not only took me back to remind me what he brought me from, he allowed me the chance to hear; literally hear with my ears Him speaking through my friend once again.


You may think that you can't hear God. You may think I'm crazy. But I promise you I have heard him. I have heard him and I know His voice. Now don’t misunderstand and you should know that I don't always listen to him. Sadly, I get distracted by human voices.


Jesus picked me up and carried me back to the place where he changed my life. As much as I’d like to, I can't stay there. I can't set up camp there and dwell forever. I have to journey back, so that I am able to journey forward. He has so beautifully reminded me of what he brought me from-- how he saved me. How he took all the ugliness and yuck and made it beautiful.


I'm nothing. I'm so small and insignificant. I don't know why the God of the universe values me, but he does. And he values you. God loves you, friend. He's always known you AND he has always loved you AND he will forever love you.


So if you're looking for hope, I can tell you where to find it.  Hope lives in my heart, in your heart, and in the hearts of those who follow Jesus.  Jesus is hope.  If you've lost your hope, you might want to talk to Jesus.  He can help you find it.



And to my pastor friend... thank you for taking me to Jesus. It's a beautiful thing to see how God works! He decided our paths should cross at exactly the time I needed it the most. You've shown me Jesus again, after all these years. Thank for keeping hope alive in so many ways.

Never Understand, Always Overstand

WORK IN PROGRESS... I'm still chewing on the thoughts that follow:

The other day, I was playing with words in my head.  A thought ran through my brain- the opposite of understand could be overstand.   Because in my head, if you’re not under, you’re over, right?  Well, not really… but stick with me for a minute.

What about this play on words placed within in human actions?  We know what “understand” means, so what could “overstand” mean?

When I started really chewing on this, I got kind of mad.  This is what came out first:

So when you overstander’s take your stand, you very literally plant your heels into concrete.  You say with firmness that you know with certainty that the rest of the world knows nothing.  You and your overstanding literally stand over the issue, breathing down its neck with condemnation and curl your nose at the pungent stench of those who aren’t fit to wipe your concrete fitted feet.  You overstand as if to teach your lesson, or remind the world of how great you are and small it is.  You overstand with your puffed up regurgitated “knowledge”.  You overstand when you fail to see your presence and your force and your arrogance cause others to fall down. You who overstand often overstand Jesus. 

Let me tell you something you who overstand who have buried yourselves in concrete,  once it sets, you cannot remove your feet.  And if, by chance, someone knocks you over—you better hope you aren’t standing firm beside a deep pool of water.  Your overstanding will drown you, friend, and who will rescue you?  If you’ve took your stand over Jesus, will he rescue you?  Will you beg forgiveness as you slip to the bottom of the pool or will you until your last breath, insist you are right?

So that was brutal.   In fact, I can almost guarantee that someone reading this just got really mad.  Calm yourself, friend.  Let me continue to chew on this thought.

The next thought that came to mind was the saying “you can’t see the forest for the trees”.  I’ve never used that phrase before, but I’ve heard it often.  What does that me in Melissa’s World?  Simply put, I suppose it means some people attach themselves to small, possibly insignificant details therefore hindering them from seeing the big picture.  Are we capable of seeing the entire big picture?  That I don’t know.  I figure we’re human and our minds are pretty limited.  However, some of us ascribe to the existence of a big picture and we do not ascribe to the fact that we know everything.

When you look at it this way, there is a big difference between understanding and overstanding.    When we attempt to understand, we (me, myself, and I) take a back seat.   We open our minds, our hearts, our lives to see life as something more that our possession.  By journeying towards an understanding, we gain knowledge, perspective, and wisdom.  And in gaining those things, we gain life.  With humility, we process the information or the situation that has presented itself.  We don’t go getting all puffed up and incensed about whatever is before us.  We work towards understanding—becoming small enough to stand under whatever “it” is.

There is a time and a place to take a stand.  There may be instances where we need to take on a form of overstanding.  There are issues that are worth digging our heels in and fighting for.  But our responses to those issues should be well thought out and your knowledge should be factually based. 

What are you dealing with today?  Are you understanding or overstanding?    You could be at risk of being pushed into a situation where you will drown yourself because you got too big for your britches.    (I LOVE that saying, btw!)    Maybe it’s time to chill and take a step back.  Maybe it’s time to understand--  

Appreciate

Know

Recognize

Comprehend

Realize

Be aware of

Value

Identify with

Empathize

WOWSER!  I’ve done less understanding and more overstanding in my life.  Time to make some changes!  I want to live free—I refuse to be a prisoner to overstanding!  

Whatcha Got There?

"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry,

and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."

~Mahatma Gandhi

Crawling out of the bed in the mornings is just an overwhelming and dreadful task for me. There is nothing in the world I hate more than getting out of a warm, cozy bed. Lately, I've been setting my alarm 10 minutes earlier than I really need to get up. That way, I am able to hit the snooze a few times and "feel" like I've slept a bit longer. It doesn't work and nothing makes me feel better about getting out of bed!

I noticed something very bothersome the other morning. There, between my eyebrows, were two red lines; one on the right side and one on the left side. "What in the world?" I thought to myself. Perhaps I just slept funny—head buried under the blankets or something bizarre. The next morning, the same red lines appeared. "Okay, I must really sleep weird!" But you know what… dadburnit if those stupid lines didn't show up every day!!!!!! WHAT THE HAY?

It didn't take me long to figure out "how" the lines got there. You know how when you're confused, or deep in thought, or squinting your eyes, you wrinkle your brow? Well, maybe you don't, but I sure do. Apparently, I've been deep in thought-- processing something or as angry as can be about something--while I sleep. Those stupid, horrific, ugly lines are right where my brow crinkles! Could these be worry lines?

worry line Function: noun : a crease or wrinkle on the forehead or between the eyebrows

OH MY WORD!  I have the forehead wrinkle, too!

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't really care that I have wrinkles on my face. My BIGGER concern is why they are there. You know, the Word clearly states: Who by worrying can add a single moment to his day? (Where is that? Matthew, Mark, Luke…?) Maybe it should  "Who that worries shall add a single moment to their day, but you will add face wrinkles.  Anyway, if you're a believer (a Jesus follower): you A.) need to recognize the Word. B.) Acknowledge the truth and C.) apply it to life.

I was really captured by Gandhi's statement. .. "one who has ANY faith in God should be ASHAMED to worry…"

YIKES!

What do you worry about? What captures your thoughts when you are still? 

Melissa's brain:

Will the kids be okay? Are the dressed warm enough? What if something happens when I'm not around to help? Do they have friends? Why does (blank) do that? Don't they know how hurtful that is? Who would say that about someone? What am I going to eat for lunch? They said they're okay, are they really okay? What if I'm killed in a car accident? What is someone breaks into my house? If I died in the next 5 minutes, who would have to clean my house, clean out my drawers and personal effects? Is there a heaven? Will I go to heave when I die? Are my kids proud of me? Do I do enough for them? What should I be doing? Why does (blank) hate me? Did I do something wrong? How can I fix it if I did? Can I even fix it? What am I going to wear today? WOW, could these pants get any tighter? I will never lose weight. I will never be a good mom. I'm a terrible friend. I'm so tired. Who died and made (blank) God of the universe? Oh wait, there is only one God—(blank) is so out of it. What planet are they on? Really? Seriously? You really think you know better than God? You wanna think about that? What's for dinner? I need a snack- no you don't, you need to quit eating. I am so tired. I wonder if she'll know she's beautiful? I wonder if he knows how much I love him? Do they know I would die for them? Does God exist? Does He really love me unconditionally? If unconditional love exists, why don't I see more of it in life? Am I capable of loving unconditionally? Why am I hungry all the time? That couch is so comfortable, but I can't sleep yet. How do I reach (blank)? I didn't share Jesus with anyone today. I'm such a failure.

If you were to just take your pen and start writing your thoughts- freely and honestly, what would your pen leave on the clean, white paper? What thoughts run through your head that cause you worry or fear or uncertainty?

Naming them is therapeutic. Calling worry like it is, is a good release. And when you spew it all out on paper or wherever, you begin to let it go. I mean, you could even go as far as to take the paper you wrote it on and burn it—send it up in flames (but not your abode, please! Safety first.) You could rip it into a million pieces and throw it away. You could buy a helium balloon, tie your list to it and send it off… SERIOUSLY! You need to let it all go.

I need to let it all go. God didn't create me to walk around carrying heavy book bags and totes and satchels full of worry!

DON'T BE A PACK MULE FOR WORRY!

Cause you know what that means, right?

As we journey along, we find ways daily to give our lives away. If we worry, we have the internal struggle of hanging onto our lives; lives that were not really ours to begin with. When you list out your worries, you will probably find they are pretty selfish and no wonder there is shame in that. This life isn't mine, these worries aren't mine. My God provides for me and my family. He provides above and beyond our needs and even desires. I live this life serving Jesus and serving others. The sooner I am able to dwell in that, the sooner the "worry lines" may disappear.

What are you carrying and why? Get rid of it!

Live free!

Rehabilitated Misery

Tired.  Just plain tired.

Ever get messages from God, clearly marked messages from God?  Of course, you may not realize at first, but later the pieces start fitting together.  You have that "A HA" of a moment when you realize that two paths converged and in their connection, you got a message. 

My message from last week started as friends near and far sent out notes of kindness and love to my family and I.  At first, it felt all warm and fuzzy, "I do have some really good friends."  But then I started seeing how they kind words from all kinds of friends, some who don't even know each other, started to come together to make a lovely little piece of art. 

It all started with part of an encouraging note from a friend:

"I tell you now that your ministry is where your misery has been. That same spot that made you cry and moan is where you can bring honor and healing to those who are touched with the same pain."

So, I did a little research.  The quote comes from TD Jakes.  And I found more…

"God takes the broken and the wounded and rehabilitates them so that they can be clinicians of healing and instruments of life. You want to know what to do with your life. You are stuck on the steps in a job that is not fulfilling, and you are getting older and want to do something that matters to you. Fulfillment is not always a matter of income. It means a lot when you can lie down at night and know that what you did today made a difference in someone's life. I tell you now that your ministry is where your misery has been. That same spot that made you cry and moan is where you can bring honor and healing to those who are touched with the same pain. This is the spot where your compassion will skyrocket, and you can help the next generation of victims to get out of their beds and walk."

"The challenge is to reach a place of healing where you can discuss what was once a silent frustration. When you can vent it, that frustration turns to wisdom. It is at that point that you reach outside of yourself and give to others that ministry come homes to you."

"There comes a point when you have received enough help that you are no longer on the critical list. The moment you can get up, it is good to do so. You can gain strength by helping others ... You will never become a minister as long as you lie in the hospital bed yourself. Get up and help someone else survive what you endured. There are so many people who need the bed you are in. You must give it to them and become a part of the solution instead of the problem. That, within itself, is a therapy."

So, yes, I'm experiencing a bit of pain in my life.  And I'm tired.  I'm very tired.

But my ministry- my service- could very well be where my misery has been.   I could potentially take what I've learned and use it to help others.  Not really a new concept, but it's difficult especially when you look at the word MISERY. 

I guess I've got a big choice to make.   Am I going to use my misery properly or abuse it? 

Misery can take you to a very dark place filled with anger and bitterness and eventually, hatred.   If misused, misery could kill anything and everything that comes in contact with it.  You can forget about joy and love and peace… misery will murder them.  It won't be a quick death; it will be a slow, painful, torturous death. 

But if one is able to harness the right energy and power, misery could change.   Misery could be rehabilitated.   Misery could be refocused and repurposed. 

My misery has been repurposed for ministry.   
Interesting…

No Lines, No Waiting

I’m not a patient person- you know me, you know this.   Never have been and I’m not sure I ever will be.  I think I’ve learned how to practice patience, but it isn’t innate quality for me.  This must be why I get so frustrated standing in line behind one person that seems to ask all the wrong questions for the dumbfounded cashier who has no right answer.    Or why traffic lights disturb me so—I just want to get out and go, open road, wind in my hair…

John Mayer sings a song about waiting.  Waiting on the world to change to be exact.  I’ve listened to it many times, but never really delved into the lyrics more than “waiting, I keep waiting on the world to change”.  So I looked it up the other day.   These are some pretty good lyrics.   In fact, I can relate.  

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Oh yes, John, me and all my friends do seem to be extremely misunderstood.    There are many “Melissa Life Observers” who do not understand me and whom do not hold an ounce of confidence in me.  

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

No, I don’t believe that I see everything that’s going wrong, but I do see many instances where things do go wrong.    I definitely don’t feel that I have the means to rise above it, mainly because my voice is often taken away from me.    Actually, that isn’t entirely true.  My voice isn’t necessarily taken away, it’s just that my voice has no merit.  I’m not old enough to know anything and you compound that with the fact that my thoughts and ideas are very different from the norm (whatever the "norm" is?) …well, you get the picture.

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

I’ve been waiting a very long time and the distance is growing by miles daily.  

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want 

I’m not going to get political.  But if I had the power to change situations for people and make life better for someone, would I?  Or do I even really know the situation exist because of the information I receive or don't receive?   It is a pretty sad instance when folks take information and twist it to tell the story they want to tell.  Everyone does it.  We, like sheep, follow the loudest voice with the most elaborate tale.  A tale of woe, with the voice that paints the direst picture with titillating details that keep our mouths watering for more.  We bend the story for our own benefit, making the heroes and the villains whomever we with them to be.

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

So that’s why I keep waiting.   Waiting on the things to change, willing to fight for change, but the fights I find myself in are not fair.  And so I wait some more.

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

My generation will rule the population?  WHAT?  That’s scary.  Well, not really.  It's just that as the student, some of the teachers haven't given me all the information I need.   At times, the teachers teach more opinion and less fact thus leading me to one big pile of confusion!  Especially when I find the facts on my fact finding missions and the ole fact-o's don't seem to match the teacher's teachings.  

But you know what--  I don't want to wait anymore.  I've only got one life and I want to live it!  The longer I wait for the world to change, the more life I miss out on.  And to top it all off, I could wait a hundred years for the world to change and it never will.  Talk about time not so well wasted!

I can't change you anymore than you can change the earth from spinning.  You can't change me, but if either one of us want to see change in our world, we have to do something. We can't sit still!  Passing blame from one person to another is nothing but a vicious and annoying game of hot potato.  The blame may not belong with you, but when the music stops and that hot tater is in your hand- YOU LOSE, SUCKER!

So we make small steps towards change.  One step at a time, we try to do our part.

"I am only one, but still I am one.  I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."  

~Helen Keller 

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

hope is fading

Dear hope,

I am holding you in my hand, but I’m afraid I’m going to lose you. I’ve tried so hard to hang on to you, to believe even when the odds were stacked high against you! There was a time I believed you were invincible and unbreakable. Now you appear so fragile. It seems as if you could break at any moment, shatter into millions of little pieces. Oh if you were to break, I don’t know if I could put you back together again. Please don’t leave me, hope. Without you, I am nothing. I need you! You keep my eyes open, my heart open, my hands and feet moving—you are air and without you I will surely die. Hang on to me, hope. Hang on tight… please don’t let me go!  ~Melissa

hope: hoped, hop•ing, hopes
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: 2. To expect and desire.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.
Idiom:
hope against hope
To hope with little reason or justification.

Peter 1:6-8
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here… You love God even though you have never seen him; though not seeing him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with the inexpressible joy that comes from heaven itself. 1 Peter 1:6, 8 [TLB]
6-7I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
8-9You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation. [The Message]

Published... well kinda sorta

I wrote this back in July following a difficult life experience. I submitted it last month to an online magazine and they posted it. Thought I'd share it if you'd like to read it:

Curled Up With Jesus

I spent the day curled up in the lap of Jesus. As I listened to the steady cadence of his heartbeat, and the soothing rhythm of his chest rising and falling with each breath he took- I found the comfort I was desperate for. I’ve never been so close to him before and for that I am very ashamed. Of course, the reason that led me to the lap of Jesus leaves me ashamed as well. I ran there. I ran away from a problem that was so huge, there was nowhere else to go and I found myself wishing that I’d run there every day in either my happiness or my sadness.

I’m sitting at the feet of Jesus now. I’m listening to him speak—I seem so small here, yet significant. His left hand rests lightly on my head and I can feel his electricity full of love and compassion. He’s smiling at me, tears in his eyes. I am mesmerized by his face. The sound of his voice is as calming as the aroma cookies baking in the oven. The sound of his voice drifts in and out of my head, steadying my heart. His tears sparkle in the corner of his eyes and occasionally one runs down his cheek. He is happy that I’m here. He’s been waiting a long time for me.

I sense that there is so much he wants to say to me. His words, however, are not rushed and they are gentle. He stops speaking audibly and there is a beautiful silence that I recognize from my youth. When I close my eyes, I am standing outside in the woods behind my childhood home and there isn’t a soul around. The wind is gliding through the leaves, rustling them slightly. The sun has peaked through the tallest trees, hitting every other leaf on its way down to me. I’m overwhelmed as it seems as if the trees and rocks and the wind, the stream even… they all speak in their own way. I breathe deeply, inhaling the life that surrounds. Aware of my dream, I open my eyes again and I look at him curiously. I know what he’s saying, yet his mouth isn’t moving and no sound is coming from him. As I look into his eyes, I know what he wants me to know. Pleasant and frightening at the same time. He has always been with me, he has always spoken to me—somehow I lost my way.

We’re audibly talking again. As he speaks, he moves his hands. I talk with my hands, too, but this is different. My eyes fall on the wounds—I can see them and all of the sudden I am overcome with guilt and shame as I’m fully aware that those are my wounds. What have I done? Why am I here? I don’t deserve to be this close. The pain that led me here pales horribly in comparison to his pain. I begin to weep. Sobbing. Deep, guttural sounds that frighten me even though I know they are coming from within me. I am so unworthy.

But something really beautiful is happening now. He’s picking me up. He lifts me to his chest like a father lifts his injured child. Yet he does it with such ease and strength. His left arm is behind my back and his right arm under my legs as my limbs fall heavily over his arm. My head falls against his chest and I’m still sobbing. I can’t hold my head up. He cradles me and I feel like a small child. The electricity is palpable and then I hear it…

He begins to sing to me. It’s the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I am completely broken in the arms of Jesus and he’s singing over me. His warm tears have rolled from his beautiful face, landed on my face, and mingled with my tears. They fall one by one. With each note he sings and with each tear that falls, peace slowly begins to surround my brokenness. There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. I’m safe here. I’m loved here. I’m forgiven here. I don’t want to leave.

Copyright ©  2009 Melissa Meador Wilson

Calm Down

So I’ve been thinking about this song…

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything will be fine.

Hang on, help is on the way
And stay strong, I'm doing everything…

A remarkable phenomenon has transpired in me over the past several months. Perhaps it’s not really remarkable or phenomenal, but something has changed within me. It’s as if someone pushed a button in my head that has caused me to filter music differently. As of late, songs that aren’t about my friend Jesus have been making me think about Jesus. I don’t know if Jesus sings, I never read about it in the bible—but I do know that God created music. Music can transcend all time and space and well, everything. Just like God. Music has the ability to transform a mood, a heart, a soul... just like God.

I have always loved music: I love to listen to music. I love to dance to music. I love to sing to music. Music speaks to the depths of my soul unlike anything else.

So back to the singing Jesus idea.

When I listen to the melody and understand the lyrics of many songs, I begin to think of Jesus saying those things to me. Maybe he sings, maybe he doesn’t—but I feel like he’s saying something to me. And yes, maybe his message is coming from Jason Mraz singing “Details In the Fabric”! More than who is singing or what they look like or what the image they portray is… what matters the most, is that at the moment, that song penetrated my heart and my soul—I just heard from my friend, Jesus.

Jesus is reassuring me. I can hear him saying “Calm down, Melissa. Take a deep breath… it’s going to be okay.” This I imagine much like days of my youth when my Dad would remove me from an overwhelming and upsetting situation and attempt to calm me down. He would always remind me to take deep breaths and he would count out loud with me. “But Daddy, you don’t understand!” I would cry, all while taking huge gulps of air in between each word. He would make me look him in the eyes; he’d place his hands on my arms and say “Look at me, Melissa. Take a deep breath. Calm down… 1..2..3…4…5…6… it’s going to be okay.”

Jesus is still reassuring me. He’s helping me focus on him. He’s assuring me that I can go the way his father has asked me to go. He is reminding me that I know my name-- because sometimes I forget. He’s gently reminding me that there is healing for the broken stuff. He’s reminding me that I am loved more than I can even imagine.

And you know what? You are loved more than you can even imagine.