Even the Squirrels

Taking a Sabbath these days has been more intentional, more purposeful.  It’s been over three weeks since I have been in a church “service”, yet I have maintained a weekly Sabbath.  An extremely meaningful time set aside to worship this God who loves me so dearly; a time to pursue God and his purposes for my life.  I understand that the Word says we should not give up meeting together and I believe that.  However, for me, in recent days, I’ve had to give that up.  For me it has been necessary in order to gain perspective.  Why do I believe?  Why do I serve? Why do I follow?  Who do I believe in?  Who do I serve? Who do I follow?

The study from the Word this morning is from Psalm 56.  I’ve been drawn to the Psalms as of late—it seems more relatable for such a time as this. Beautiful poetry, lyrics, and structure adequately describing my hearts song on many occasions.

Psalm 56- The Message

 ^1-4 Take my side, God—I'm getting kicked around, stomped on every day.
   Not a day goes by
      but somebody beats me up;
   They make it their duty
      to beat me up.
   When I get really afraid
      I come to you in trust.
   I'm proud to praise God;
      fearless now, I trust in God.
      What can mere mortals do?

 ^5-6 They don't let up—
      they smear my reputation
      and huddle to plot my collapse.
   They gang up,
      sneak together through the alleys
   To take me by surprise,
      wait their chance to get me.

 ⁷ Pay them back in evil!
      Get angry, God!
      Down with these people!

 ⁸ You've kept track of my every toss and turn
      through the sleepless nights,
   Each tear entered in your ledger,
      each ache written in your book.

 ⁹ If my enemies run away,
      turn tail when I yell at them,
   Then I'll know
      that God is on my side.
 ^10-11 I'm proud to praise God,
      proud to praise God.
   Fearless now, I trust in God;
      what can mere mortals do to me?

 ^12-13 God, you did everything you promised,
      and I'm thanking you with all my heart.
   You pulled me from the brink of death,
      my feet from the cliff-edge of doom.
   Now I stroll at leisure with God
      in the sunlit fields of life.

Amazing!  I am so proud to praise God.  I mean, the God of the Universe has been so good to me!  I’m humbled and overwhelmed today.

Look at all the blessing in my life!  First of all, I have sight—I can look at the creation surrounding me; the trees, the sun, the grass, the ants, the birds, the water, the dirt, the squirrels (yes, even squirrels)… my children, my husband, my family.  Right now, I am seated at my kitchen table.  I can see the sun streaming through the trees outside; I can hear the birds. Abby is resting peacefully in the other room; there are pictures of my family all around me-- these beautiful, precious children that God blessed my life with.  I do not deserve this 20/20 vision.  I do not deserve these beautiful children.  Their smiles, their laughter, their life energy!  I don’t deserve the devotion and adoration of my wonderful and amazing husband.  I don’t deserve the devotion of beautiful friends who love me even when I’m unlovable. 

Yet God opened up a giant gift closet and he keeps pulling out gifts just for me! They just keep coming.  Daily he opens my eyes to the precious gifts that He has hand-picked specifically for me.   He placed each and every piece of my life together long before I was even conceived.  He had a plan for me—for my life.  He wanted me.  He needed me.  He chose me and created me for His purpose.

When I look in the mirror, it is a difficult concept to grasp.  Why would God want me?  Why would my husband or children or family want me?  Why would my friends want me?   I am nothing.  I don’t love like I should; I don’t give like I should; I don’t reach out as I should; I’m incredibly flawed.  Yet I am surrounded by people who love me!  People who want me and people who need me.  Maybe the needing part isn’t entirely true—I don’t know.

The most amazing part of the story, of my story, is that I’m surrounded by God.  Jesus wants to walk with me and talk to me.  This Father and Son duo are intentional about loving me.  (Yes, I know it’s really a Trio.) They are intentional about seeking me.  They teach me with purpose and vision; they know what they want me to know.  They know what they need me to do and they are patient teachers, counselors and friends.  WOW!

This morning, my walk with God is a leisurely stroll in the sunlit fields of life!  He has captured each tear that has fallen.  He removes the sadness from each drop.  In its place, He puts a hint of joy in the salty mixture—a river of beautiful life streams down my cheeks.  He takes the wounds gently cleanses them.  A healing balm is placed over the cuts and scrapes on my delicate skin; the bruises are cooled with His tender hand.  The Spirit (ah, the Trio) breathes life into my lungs—a warm, radiant and comforting feeling pervades my body.  I am peaceful and I am at home with my Jesus. 

For all that You've done I will thank You,

For all that You're going to do,

For all that You've promised and all that You are

And all that has carried me through, Jesus I thank You.

And I thank You, thank You, Lord.

And I thank You, thank You, Lord.

Thank You for loving and setting me free,

Thank You for giving Your life just for me

Now I thank You, Jesus I thank You,

Gratefully thank You,

Thank You.

©1991, Shepherd's Heart Music

Words and Music by Dennis Jernigan

I want to be fearless in You.  Teach me how; show me the way.  I want to be bold and courageous in You.  Teach me, mold me, and shape me.  I want to love unconditionally!  Grow that kind of love deep within my soul. 

LIVE FREE!

“CANNON BALL!”

It was a beautiful afternoon. The air was light and cool. The sun was bright and warm. As I sat by the crystal clear water, I closed my eyes and inhaled as much of the mountain air as could fit in my lungs. Filled to capacity, I exhaled.

I imagined myself walking back up the trail, stopping, turning and running right back down the hill, through the trees and leaping off the dock, tucking in and shouting "cannon ball" as I catapulted myself into the water.

Honestly, I wanted to! I wanted so bad to jump in. I wanted to literally be washed by the water. But fear got the best of me. You see, the day before, I had kinda -sorta witnessed a friend falling in that very water. The coldness literally took his breath away! The sounds I heard as he couldn't even utter a word as the cold water stripped away even his ability to move, played through my head and I began making my decision not to cannon ball in. Of course, the fact that I had even witnessed earlier that day another friend falling into the "river" that lead to the body of water I now sat beside and how cold my feet and legs were as I attempted to save her from being swept down the roaring rapids… okay, that's not entirely true, but it's way more fun to tell it that way!

That water was cold! And as you can see, I talked myself out of the grandiose cannon ball. But I really wanted to! In my mind, I ran down that hill, through the trees and leapt off the dock, tucked and shouted "CANNON BALL" and was washed over completely by the crystal clear water.

Since the cannon ball was out, I laid down on the dock beside the still water. The warm sun on my face, the cool breeze swept over me. In the distance, I could hear the familiar sounds of my friends. Laughter and chatter, it was comforting. I smiled and reveled in the glory of the love all around me.

I was comfortable. I was relaxed for the first time in a very long time. I wasn't worried about the grizzly bears that could be stalking the forest behind me, or the snakes that were surely hidden under the canoe beside me, or the monster of the lake that surely was watching, ready to rise up, opening his enormous jaws and devour me along with the entire dock with one giant motion.

I was able to shut all the "what if's" and fears out. I started listening for Jesus. At any moment, he was going to walk up and sit down with me. The sounds of the water flowing against the rocks, the birds above me, and the insects around— that is all I heard. Patiently I waited.

As the wind gently moved around me, it carried a wave of peace that flowed over me. At the moment, I knew He was there. It's happened before; I recognized my friend was with me. Laying there on the dock, with the sun high above, I kept my eyes closed.

    "I knew you'd come," I whispered.

    "And I knew you'd be here," he replied.

    "What now?" is all I could muster.

A long pause.

    "Will you follow me?" He asked.

    "Yes. But where are we going?" I knew I shouldn't have asked and I was mad at myself for asking.

Another pause.

    "Will you follow me?" He asked again, His voice so calm and peaceful.

I really wanted to see Him. Like a child peeking during a game of hide'n'seek, I peeked through one squinted eye. I knew he was sitting on the bench, across the dock from me. He was within 2 feet of me… I just knew I'd see Him.

    "I want to follow you, but can't you tell me where we're going?" I sheepishly asked again.

Yet another pause.

And as the wind blew across my face and peace flooded my heart, I heard "Melissa, just follow me." With that, I knew this moment was simply for my answer.

Again, I pictured myself walking back up the trail, stopping, turning and running right back down the hill, through the trees and leaping off the dock , tucking in and shouting "cannon ball" as I catapulted myself into the water… and this time I pictured Him going with me.

    "Do you want me to cannon ball into this cold water? If you do, I'm all in. I'll do it! You know I will."

He smiled and laughed at me. Quietly, we sat together, enjoying the one another's company and enjoying the divine creation all around us.

As much as I wanted to, my fears ultimately kept me from doing the whole cannon ball thing. Plus, I didn't really think it would be the smartest move to make and no, I didn't get the sense that "that" was what He was telling me. But I got the point. He was asking me if I was willing to do that which seems crazy to me and to others. He wanted to know if I was all in, or just kinda-sorta in.

It would have been fitting if I had done the cannon ball thing and that would have been a moment only He and I would have understood. My friends who were just a few yards away would have thought I had completely lost my mind! (To be honest, I would have questioned my own sanity.)

What is He calling you to do? And perhaps the more important question isn't the "what" but the "will". Will you follow? Will you lay down the fears and let the questions go? We don't need the "who, what, when, where, why?" thing going on BEFORE we answer. Honestly, I kinda-sorta think we need to say "YES!" first, no questions asked.

    "C A N N O N B A L L !" {splash-gasp-gulp-burrrr}

Maybe I should go all William Wallace/Braveheart and shout… shout it with me… F R E E D O M! Because that is what the whole cannon ball thing represents to me.

True, pure, unfiltered, unabashed, unashamed, glorious, beautiful, life giving FREEDOM. And again I say…

    "C A N N O N B A L L !" {splash-gasp-gulp-burrrr}

Where Does Hope Live?

An interesting thing happened the other day. It has been a very long time since I heard the phrase "you are valuable" from a colleague or mentor. Just the other day, someone told me that I am valuable and that I have a lot to offer. My little heart skipped a great big beat. There were no tears- I couldn't let them free at the time.


Wow! It's been so long since I heard that and even longer since I believed it. Who? Me? Not me. Surely you're not talking about me. See, somehow, I've found myself in a place where I have felt as if I have no value.


Why? Well, I figure there are a couple things going on here.


1.) Somewhere along the line, I've been tricked into believing the wrong voices. I've allowed myself to become distracted by humans. The human voices- the imperfect human shouts loudly. The imperfect human has a lot to say, but very little substance. But I listen. And you know what, some of the things those voices say just aren't good. The voices shout lies and I listen. BOO!



2.) Somewhere along the line, I allowed myself to forgot the fact that God loves me, period. He just loves me. The great big almighty creator loves me. What? (I think this makes sense due to the fact I've been so distracted by humans. Especially human who claim to be Christians, but their words and actions don't align.)



So I find Jesus leading me back to what I know to be the truth. He grabs me by the hand, and turns me around. He makes me look right in his eyes.


"I will not let you forget, Melissa. You know the truth and you've got to listen."


God sends Jesus to take me back to the same place. Over and over, he walks me back. He never gets irate with me. Annoyed possibly, but never angry.


He has his way of taking me back to the first time we met.


It was 1995 on a warm summer evening following a youth service at camp. I sat on a white cinder block wall, with a pastor, a friend. My pastor friend was telling me about Jesus. This wasn't my first rodeo. I was raised in the church, I had been to church over and over... sat through hundred of services, lessons, camps, and on and on. I was 17 for goodness sakes! I'd heard it all before. But on that particular night, I heard something different. I heard Jesus telling me he loves me. I heard him telling me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I heard him telling me that he had searched me and that he knew me. He even told me he knew me BEFORE I was born. He knew me when I was knit together in my mother’s womb. I mean, Jesus knew me. Everything about me. Everything I tried to hide-- the sin, the hurts, the scars, the wounds, the pain, the happiness, the silliness-- He knew it. And he loved me- big mess and all. That was the night I made the decision to give my life to Jesus. He met me on a cinder block wall in Nowheresville. He spoke through my pastor and friend. He got my attention.



He kept telling me over and over again how much he loved me. I kept saying "but what about this and what about that?"  He wouldn't hear it.  He didn't care about all the junk. He just needed me to know that he loved me for me. He always had and he always will.


My friend Jesus takes me back to 1995 just when I need it the most. He sits me on the cinder block wall -- he takes me back so I can remember what he has done in my life. So I can remember the journey—what led me to the cinder block wall and what led me to where I am today.



You know what he did this time? Oh Jesus is such an amazing friend! This time, he sat me beside my pastor and friend. The one from 1995. Jesus took me to a place where I could hear that familiar voice. Jesus not only took me back to remind me what he brought me from, he allowed me the chance to hear; literally hear with my ears Him speaking through my friend once again.


You may think that you can't hear God. You may think I'm crazy. But I promise you I have heard him. I have heard him and I know His voice. Now don’t misunderstand and you should know that I don't always listen to him. Sadly, I get distracted by human voices.


Jesus picked me up and carried me back to the place where he changed my life. As much as I’d like to, I can't stay there. I can't set up camp there and dwell forever. I have to journey back, so that I am able to journey forward. He has so beautifully reminded me of what he brought me from-- how he saved me. How he took all the ugliness and yuck and made it beautiful.


I'm nothing. I'm so small and insignificant. I don't know why the God of the universe values me, but he does. And he values you. God loves you, friend. He's always known you AND he has always loved you AND he will forever love you.


So if you're looking for hope, I can tell you where to find it.  Hope lives in my heart, in your heart, and in the hearts of those who follow Jesus.  Jesus is hope.  If you've lost your hope, you might want to talk to Jesus.  He can help you find it.



And to my pastor friend... thank you for taking me to Jesus. It's a beautiful thing to see how God works! He decided our paths should cross at exactly the time I needed it the most. You've shown me Jesus again, after all these years. Thank for keeping hope alive in so many ways.

In the Eye of the Beholder

I have a vile repulsion to the act of staring. Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that staring is on the top of my "Do Not Like" list.  I have never had an ounce of patience for staring!  Maybe its because I heard my mom tell me over and over "Don't stare, dear".   Watching my children, I know they are almost mesmerized by some people.  Whether we're in line at the grocery store or seated at a restaurant table, the little eyes always seem to wander.  You know, they find the lady with purple hair or the man dressed like a lady... or the tattoos or piercings.  Kid's stare.  Adults stare-- this is what I have no patience for.

Sometimes she just stares at me. She watches me doing the most mundane to the magnificent.  I mean, she stares without blinking sometimes!  When I do the mundane chores like dishes or folding laundry... okay, well, she spends less time staring in those moments and more time getting into whatever it is I don't want her to get into.  Then, when I attempt the magnificent chores like putting on make-up or brushing my hair. You know, I take the scary and make it a little more presentable.  She is fascinated with these chores!

I remember the very first time I caught her staring. It's amazing really, as she was only a few hours old. There she lay, in the hospital bassinet...  My eyes were closed and I was trying to sleep in the semi-quiet hospital room so tired from the events that took place just hours before. With my eyes closed and sleep so close I could taste it... I sensed she was looking at me. I opened my eyes to find her little blue eyes fixed right on me. Our eyes locked. My baby girl was staring right at me! It was a moment I'll never forget.  It was startling, actually.  I just laid there, afraid to move.  And she just stared.  Naturally, I had to pick her up and hold her.  Her eyes drew me in like I was under a spell. I just had to hold her!

I felt it again yesterday. I could sense her eyes on me. When I turned around, there those baby blues were just looking at me so intently. It's  less like a staring and more like watching.  A smile crept across her face and then a little giggle came out! I smiled to as we shared our moment.

It's a feeling like nothing else. There aren't words to describe what it does to me when our eyes meet like that. And no, I don't get angry. It's quite the opposite, really. I'm overwhelmed and almost forget to breathe when our eyes lock.  There is a mixture of emotions.  I feel the pressure, slightly panicked.  I mean, what if I mess up while she's watching?

Mostly, I wonder what she's thinking. And what does she think of me? Thankfully, she's unaware of the internal list of "dislikes" I see when I look at myself. She doesn't know that my hair is in need of a trim and I need to decide which color it is going to be. She can't see that my eyebrows are uneven because I decided to wax them myself or that I hide behind poorly blended make-up. She can't see that I'm 50 pounds over weight or that my teeth are crooked or that I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. Thankfully, she can't see these things.

Looking in her eyes, in that moment, I feel beautiful and strong.  In her eyes, I see happiness, love, and kindness.  When we share these moments, I am comfortable in my skin and confident in my role as "momma".   It's almost as if her faith and love literally gives me a sense of real confidence, void of insecurities-- pure and lovely.

Oh my darling little girl, in these moments... It is important that you know how much you are loved. You are lacking nothing.  Your hair, your nose, your legs, feet, hands, arms... ALL of you is perfect just the way you are and always will be. I'm proud of who you are and I don't want you to change one single thing.

I pray I can be the mother and friend that you need in your life.  I pray I can show you beauty and grace;  Love and kindness.  I pray that I can show you quiet confidence and just how valuable you are.  I pray that God completes the sentences that I am unable to complete. 

Abigail, may your love change the world. May you laugh endlessly! When the tears fall, and I know they will, I pray those tears journey to your heart, as if watering a blooming flower, giving your beautiful heart strength as it grows in love. Oh my darling daughter, when your reflection you see, I pray you will smile and know that you are wonderfully made-- crafted by an amazing God. Be fearless, my daughter, humble, patient, kind, gentle, loving... and never be afraid to be the girl God created you to be.