hope is fading

Dear hope,

I am holding you in my hand, but I’m afraid I’m going to lose you. I’ve tried so hard to hang on to you, to believe even when the odds were stacked high against you! There was a time I believed you were invincible and unbreakable. Now you appear so fragile. It seems as if you could break at any moment, shatter into millions of little pieces. Oh if you were to break, I don’t know if I could put you back together again. Please don’t leave me, hope. Without you, I am nothing. I need you! You keep my eyes open, my heart open, my hands and feet moving—you are air and without you I will surely die. Hang on to me, hope. Hang on tight… please don’t let me go!  ~Melissa

hope: hoped, hop•ing, hopes
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: 2. To expect and desire.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.
Idiom:
hope against hope
To hope with little reason or justification.

Peter 1:6-8
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here… You love God even though you have never seen him; though not seeing him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with the inexpressible joy that comes from heaven itself. 1 Peter 1:6, 8 [TLB]
6-7I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
8-9You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation. [The Message]

In the Eye of the Beholder

I have a vile repulsion to the act of staring. Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that staring is on the top of my "Do Not Like" list.  I have never had an ounce of patience for staring!  Maybe its because I heard my mom tell me over and over "Don't stare, dear".   Watching my children, I know they are almost mesmerized by some people.  Whether we're in line at the grocery store or seated at a restaurant table, the little eyes always seem to wander.  You know, they find the lady with purple hair or the man dressed like a lady... or the tattoos or piercings.  Kid's stare.  Adults stare-- this is what I have no patience for.

Sometimes she just stares at me. She watches me doing the most mundane to the magnificent.  I mean, she stares without blinking sometimes!  When I do the mundane chores like dishes or folding laundry... okay, well, she spends less time staring in those moments and more time getting into whatever it is I don't want her to get into.  Then, when I attempt the magnificent chores like putting on make-up or brushing my hair. You know, I take the scary and make it a little more presentable.  She is fascinated with these chores!

I remember the very first time I caught her staring. It's amazing really, as she was only a few hours old. There she lay, in the hospital bassinet...  My eyes were closed and I was trying to sleep in the semi-quiet hospital room so tired from the events that took place just hours before. With my eyes closed and sleep so close I could taste it... I sensed she was looking at me. I opened my eyes to find her little blue eyes fixed right on me. Our eyes locked. My baby girl was staring right at me! It was a moment I'll never forget.  It was startling, actually.  I just laid there, afraid to move.  And she just stared.  Naturally, I had to pick her up and hold her.  Her eyes drew me in like I was under a spell. I just had to hold her!

I felt it again yesterday. I could sense her eyes on me. When I turned around, there those baby blues were just looking at me so intently. It's  less like a staring and more like watching.  A smile crept across her face and then a little giggle came out! I smiled to as we shared our moment.

It's a feeling like nothing else. There aren't words to describe what it does to me when our eyes meet like that. And no, I don't get angry. It's quite the opposite, really. I'm overwhelmed and almost forget to breathe when our eyes lock.  There is a mixture of emotions.  I feel the pressure, slightly panicked.  I mean, what if I mess up while she's watching?

Mostly, I wonder what she's thinking. And what does she think of me? Thankfully, she's unaware of the internal list of "dislikes" I see when I look at myself. She doesn't know that my hair is in need of a trim and I need to decide which color it is going to be. She can't see that my eyebrows are uneven because I decided to wax them myself or that I hide behind poorly blended make-up. She can't see that I'm 50 pounds over weight or that my teeth are crooked or that I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. Thankfully, she can't see these things.

Looking in her eyes, in that moment, I feel beautiful and strong.  In her eyes, I see happiness, love, and kindness.  When we share these moments, I am comfortable in my skin and confident in my role as "momma".   It's almost as if her faith and love literally gives me a sense of real confidence, void of insecurities-- pure and lovely.

Oh my darling little girl, in these moments... It is important that you know how much you are loved. You are lacking nothing.  Your hair, your nose, your legs, feet, hands, arms... ALL of you is perfect just the way you are and always will be. I'm proud of who you are and I don't want you to change one single thing.

I pray I can be the mother and friend that you need in your life.  I pray I can show you beauty and grace;  Love and kindness.  I pray that I can show you quiet confidence and just how valuable you are.  I pray that God completes the sentences that I am unable to complete. 

Abigail, may your love change the world. May you laugh endlessly! When the tears fall, and I know they will, I pray those tears journey to your heart, as if watering a blooming flower, giving your beautiful heart strength as it grows in love. Oh my darling daughter, when your reflection you see, I pray you will smile and know that you are wonderfully made-- crafted by an amazing God. Be fearless, my daughter, humble, patient, kind, gentle, loving... and never be afraid to be the girl God created you to be.

Second Chances

Jamie is a funny little boy! He is like sunbeams dancing on the water. He is laughter and joy. He is love and mercy. My son, Jamie, is literally my sunshine. He is a gift from God to remind me to smile and laugh and enjoy every ounce of the day fully. Jamie scoops up every hour of the day he can. He soaks in the sunshine and it radiates from him. His smile rips holes in the clouds and makes the sunshine pour out over me! The laughter, his sweet, sweet laughter wipes all the sadness away.

I had the privilege to pray with my son this morning. With tears welling up in my eyes, I listened as he prayed that God would heal is brother so they could play outside together. How preciously simple yet words my Father listens to. The faith of a child. The pure innocence of his heart and mind.

When I asked him to tell me something he knew about God, he told me that God heals people. One of those annoying little frogs jumped into my throat and I had to quickly compose myself. “Yes, dear, sometime He does heal people.” I didn’t have it in me to tell him what I was thinking. He doesn’t always heal people. Like clockwork, my mind was flooded with memories of my grandfather, Sam. I saw him as if he were in photographs, videos, moments captured in my mind. I was painfully reminded of a time when God didn’t heal the way I thought He would. As Jamie and I prayed together, I held his hand and kissed him gently. He climbed out of the car and off into the school he went. So precious and innocent. I breathed a prayer that God would keep him safe in His hands today.  I prayed that Jamie (and my other two) would come to understand God better than I.

I kept the tears back almost as if I swallowed them in one huge and slightly painful frog-filled gulp. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. It’s just easier not to cry. I still feel the pain, but I can keep it to myself.  As I contemplated all that Jamie had said and all that I had felt in that moment with him, I was at peace.  I looked at healing in a different light.  

You are probably annoyed with hearing about needtobreathe, but I tell you the truth: their song came on as I was quiet before God this morning. “Second Chances” was playing softly… a divine appointment if you will.

All my past is color
Placed inside my hands
Empty is the canvas
Patiently I plan
Stars are bright above me
That’s not where I am
Greens will be behind me
Blues will make the man

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
Greys are all around me
Fading into black
Stars were bright above me
Won’t you bring them back

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
If time can break us, will it make us strong
Cause seldom second chances come along

No, God doesn’t heal all those who are sick. Not the way we think He should anyway. But God does heal. Gently and calmly, He heals. More than physically healing someone who is ill or a disease or other affliction, God heals the broken hearts. God heals the wounds- the self inflicted wounds, the self defensive wounds. God heals the brokenness, the sadness, the disappointment. The most beautiful thing to me is that in the healing is that God gives us a second chance. When we mess things up, when our pride and selfishness get in the way- God can remove all that. He lets us start over. He gives us a blank canvas.  And when He heals our hurt or disappointment,  He leads us towards forgiving and forgetting.  Again, a blank canvas-- a new start.


I don’t understand God. I don’t get the whole God thing some days. Sometimes, I wonder if He’s really there. But then I have these moments of certainty and clarity. Moments where I feel like I’ve experienced something Divine. I literally feel warmth stir within me and know that He is with me, even when I’m alone. Lately, it has been difficult for me to pray and my faith is rather microscopic, as if it were a fledgling faith. Yet I still hear Him. He speaks to me through my children and my husband. He speaks to me through songs and through friends. He is changing me-- slowly and sometimes painfully, but I am growing.

There are days when my existence feels meaningless and my failures overwhelming.  My internal list of “successes” and “failures” isn’t looking to good. Final Score: Successes’ 4 Failures 294  No, I won’t ever get everything just right. I’m human and nothing remotely close to perfect. I will fail a lot more, but I will succeed a lot more, too. I believe that failures produce strength- somehow.  

I carry both the self inflicted and defensive wounds.  But I'm confident that the wounds will heal.  And as a wound heals, there will be a scar--a faint reminder of what used to be. But with healing comes a second chance.

My blank canvas is waiting...

Looking for the Rainbow

There is a song I remember from my childhood. Okay, there are several songs, but this one in particular always comes to mind on rainy days. No, it’s not “Tomorrow” belted out at the top of lungs in the stairwell with fantastic reverb—it’s a little ditty that goes something like this: “When it rains, look for the rainbow…” so I don’t remember all the words and had to look them up.

When It Rains Look for the Rainbow
You can watch clouds go by and be glad
When it Rains Look for the Rainbow
It will show up so, no need to be sad, feel bad

© 1982 Sparrow Song/Cherry River Music Co

That got me thinking about rain and sunshine and more rainbows. Turns out, there are several songs out there about rainbows.

Rainbow by Jack Johnson
I woke up this morning A rainbow filled the sky Yes I woke up this morning A rainbow filled the sky Well that was God telling me Everything is gonna be alright


Rainbow as sung by Colbie Caillet
I'm still feelin the rain fall And bouncin off my skin How long do I have to wait for The sun to shine again Come on paint me the rainbows I can follow it I don't know where it'll take me But I like wonderin
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me. Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, Why then - oh, why can't I? If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can't I?

And let us not forget the famous and handsome, Kermit the Frog singing

Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it. I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me. Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of that and someone believed it. Look what it's done so far. What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing and what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.

When it rains, I do look for the rainbow-- literally and figuratively. There just is no other choice. Sometimes I spend so much energy and time looking down and trying to avoid the puddles from the rain. But what if I looked up? What if I allowed myself to step in the puddles? Sometimes you just cannot avoid them and your shoes get soaked and your pant legs get wet. You’ll be uncomfortable for a little while but you'll dry out, eventually. But rainbows are so unique and rare—if I’m looking down, I might miss one! I might miss something beautiful. The rainbow is my promise that even on the darkest day, there is beauty to be seen.
“Even when the rain falls and the floods start rising.”
Even when my shoes get all slushy and my pants are soaked.
Even when I forget the blasted umbrella and I’m completely soaked to the core.
Even then, there is something beautiful coming, something beautiful to see.

So I hold on to the hope planted in my heart. I tightly grip the promises I’ve been given and I don’t let go. I can’t let go. I can’t keep looking down. (Yeah, I might run into something, but I do that anyway- I’m clumsy like that.) I just don’t want to miss the chance to see my rainbow! These rainy, cloudy days get me down. But the promise of rainbows is life changing.

When it rains, look for rainbows, my friend, and don't give up, even when the rain falls.



www.needtobreathe.net

Calm Down

So I’ve been thinking about this song…

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything will be fine.

Hang on, help is on the way
And stay strong, I'm doing everything…

A remarkable phenomenon has transpired in me over the past several months. Perhaps it’s not really remarkable or phenomenal, but something has changed within me. It’s as if someone pushed a button in my head that has caused me to filter music differently. As of late, songs that aren’t about my friend Jesus have been making me think about Jesus. I don’t know if Jesus sings, I never read about it in the bible—but I do know that God created music. Music can transcend all time and space and well, everything. Just like God. Music has the ability to transform a mood, a heart, a soul... just like God.

I have always loved music: I love to listen to music. I love to dance to music. I love to sing to music. Music speaks to the depths of my soul unlike anything else.

So back to the singing Jesus idea.

When I listen to the melody and understand the lyrics of many songs, I begin to think of Jesus saying those things to me. Maybe he sings, maybe he doesn’t—but I feel like he’s saying something to me. And yes, maybe his message is coming from Jason Mraz singing “Details In the Fabric”! More than who is singing or what they look like or what the image they portray is… what matters the most, is that at the moment, that song penetrated my heart and my soul—I just heard from my friend, Jesus.

Jesus is reassuring me. I can hear him saying “Calm down, Melissa. Take a deep breath… it’s going to be okay.” This I imagine much like days of my youth when my Dad would remove me from an overwhelming and upsetting situation and attempt to calm me down. He would always remind me to take deep breaths and he would count out loud with me. “But Daddy, you don’t understand!” I would cry, all while taking huge gulps of air in between each word. He would make me look him in the eyes; he’d place his hands on my arms and say “Look at me, Melissa. Take a deep breath. Calm down… 1..2..3…4…5…6… it’s going to be okay.”

Jesus is still reassuring me. He’s helping me focus on him. He’s assuring me that I can go the way his father has asked me to go. He is reminding me that I know my name-- because sometimes I forget. He’s gently reminding me that there is healing for the broken stuff. He’s reminding me that I am loved more than I can even imagine.

And you know what? You are loved more than you can even imagine.