trying to find my voice (original 1.19.11)

i cried the night i saw it on Glee.  the story line definitely hit me-- i really hate it when that happens!  i've heard the song a hundred times before; always thought it was beautiful, but that particular night it was different.  i connected.  i shed a few tears and inside my chest, quietly buried beneath a tough exterior, my little heart broke into thousands of small pieces.

andrea sent Glee music to me for my birthday. during my regular commute home, this song began to play.  i turned the volume up as i recognized the music.  such a gorgeous melody.  a perfect marriage of beauty, tenderness, sadness and pain. i cried again.  the song just makes me sad, but it's an oddly beautiful sadness.

i've held so many dreams in my lifetime.  i remember a time when i believed anything was possible; the days of my youth where life seemed limitless!  so unaware.  my naivete gave me a constant smile;  it told me all people were good, things would always turn out right...  it was as if i had no idea of my own vulnerability and no clue that any danger existed at all.  oh how life really chews up our naivete, rips our innocence to shreds, and kills our dreams.

i don't write or talk much about my adoption.  some days, i don't think too much about it, but some days i do. the older i get, the more difficult it has become to communicate with people what i feel.  it's like a vast canyon that at times is filled with life giving water and other times empty and so dry, nothing could live there.  when i try to explain what i feel or what i think, i can't.   it's like being on an hunting expedition for the rare and hard to find words that may be able to describe what i feel inside. even if i did find the rare words and if i did speak those words, it would be as if i was speaking a foreign language to most.

i love finding quotes.  there are time when the words of others have the ability to give a good glimpse into what i'm feeling, but i can't even use the word formulations of others to articulate the feelings within.  i'm comforted by the reality that music speaks what words cannot and transcends any language barrier.  there are times the music tells the story far better the lonely words ever could.  victor hugo is quoted as saying "music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."   oh to hear a melody, a meeting of musical notes, each note carrying a meaning of it's own, blending perfectly to tell a story that you could not tell or could not understand otherwise. 

in this song is a beautiful sadness.  a nostalgic reminiscences of moments past with the beauty of the dreams you once held compounded with the certainty that there are hurts in life--no matter how much you wish they didn't exist. and a reality that some dreams will just be that--dreams.

i haven't been able to sing in months. when i find my voice, this is the song i'll sing.  for now, these two communicate what i wish i could far better than i...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
(But the tigers come at night)
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
(As they tear your hope apart)
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

.
so,  i found a song that expresses some of what i feel inside. this particular song speaks to a quiet sadness inside, but it leaves out an important part of my story because my story isn't all sad.  there is a lot of happiness inside as well.  i'm not sure you can have happiness without sadness or sadness without happiness.   it seems the two are mutually dependent on one another.  i'm thankful that deep within my sometimes broken heart, there is not only a beautiful sadness but a healing happiness as well.

Lost in the Familiar

Funny story:  I actually got lost on the way to work the other morning.  I know, weird.  It all started due to a conversation with a friend who was telling me there may be a more direct route for me to get to work in the morning.  So, naturally, I decided to try the new route.  

Well don’t you know I missed a piece of the directions, the bit where I should have stayed straight and not merged left.  I’m not sure how far I drove, but as I drove, I quickly realized that it wasn’t correct.  I also quickly assessed that I should not pull over or stop to ask for directions.  So I kept on driving, determined to find something familiar.  Hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel, I was set.  As the scenery past by, I grew increasingly aware that I was not where I needed to be.  Compliment the awareness of being lost with the dense fog; I couldn’t see the city- which is typically my guide.  Thankfully, I finally spotted the sign for a familiar road, turned in the direction I thought I needed to go, and made my safely back around the world to get to work.

This morning, as I sat outside on the deck at dawn—a slight breeze blowing around me, the sun just starting to think about rising, I started laughing.  My story is funny in typical Melissa fashion.  But it occurred to me that it is common in my life. 

I know the directions, I know how to get from point A to point B AND I can follow directions—despite what the preceding story says.  But how often do I get turned around and refuse to stop?  Now sometimes it just isn’t safe to stop; sometimes it makes sense to keep driving until you see something familiar.  But when we get lost in the familiar- a place that you know and know well, what then?

Those thoughts led me down a trail and a thought of “Lost in the familiar”.    I think that sums up the way I have felt at times in my life.   My circumstances, environment, situation—all are familiar.   Those things don’t cause me alarm or discomfort.  But when I get lost in those familiar places, what then? 

And in our confusion, we set our minds so tightly to not stopping for directions, not regrouping, not refocusing—surely something familiar will come along.  We grip the wheel as tight as we can and we think our sheer determination will get us to where we need to be even though we are lost.  I don’t think determination is really what drives us.   It benefits us; it can be a positive and useful tool.  But what happens when our determination leads us so far off the path that we have no idea where we are? 

I do think there are times in life when we need to stay focused, keep our hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel and use that determination to our benefit.  I think there are times when you can’t see where you’re going and the storms are raging all around and you if you just stay the course, you’ll get where you’re going.

What about getting where you need to be?  Not getting where you’re going, but getting where you need to be?  That must be what getting lost in the familiar looks like.   My determination can get me where I’m going any day.  So can a map or GPS.  But getting where I need to be isn’t that easy.

Oh this isn’t coming out as easily as I had hoped it would.  Does it make sense to anyone?  The whole concept of getting lost in the familiar? 

Another example for me, from personal experience of getting lost in the routine, would be getting lost in my faith.  It can become so comfortable, routine, second nature and the routine gets us where we’re going.  But what happens when you become lost in the familiar?  Everything you thought you knew, everything familiar, and comfortable, all of the sudden become unknown.

Speaking honestly from my heart:  I’ve served through my church for 20 of my 32 years of life.  It’s a part of me; a huge part of who I am.  I have served the Church of the Nazarene for over 30 years, but now I’m lost in the familiar.  I’m lost in the antiquated, archaic system.  This beloved church that I have so diligently and whole heartily served is no longer comfortable to me.  I’m lost in the one place that I thought I knew. 

I suppose that can happen when you serve a building or an institution.  I suppose that can happen when you rely on getting where you’re going instead of where you need to be.  All those years, all that time—given freely.  I wanted to serve, but what now?  The very institution I have served no longer knows I exist.  What now?

Being lost in the familiar really stinks. 

Oh, don’t worry, I’m not depressed.  I’m just trying to figure out how to get un-lost. 

Thankfully my Father gives really good directions…

Floating In Limbo

I haven't written ANYTHING in a long while.  Not sure why, but just haven't.  Writing is so therapeutic, so without that outlet, my head gets too full—so far it hasn't busted.  (Fingers crossed that it won't.)

The term Floating in Limbo came to me this morning on my commute in to town.  If I were to describe how I feel right now, today, this very moment, I would tell you that I feel like I'm floating in limbo. 

This by no means is a bad thing.    As David wrote "But as for me, I will sing your power.  I will shout with joy each morning because of your unfailing love.  For you have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress.  O my strength, to you I sing praises, for you, O God, are my refuge."  Psalm 59:16-17

I've been busy reveling in His power.  I've been wallowing in His love, tucked in close under His strong, protecting arms.   Oh to feel safe and protected!  It's refreshing after a long period of feeling raw, exposed, and storm tossed.  I'm as happy as a clam at high water!  (Google it.)

I just feel like I'm Floating in Limbo.  The awareness is that I can't stay here forever, but I don't feel the nudge to move necessarily.  I feel at peace in the in between… I've found peace in limbo.  How weird is that?  Most of the time we have to have a plan, we have to know where we go next; most times we obsess about what is coming  down the line.  I just don't care right now. 

"Be glad for God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always."  I don't know what THE PLAN is or if there even is A PLAN, but I know that I trust Him.  I know He's got me on His mind.  Patience is a new thing for me.  I've never known it before… but lake dwelling has given me a lesson in patience.  It's calmed my internal rhythms.  I've felt peace for the first time in a very long time.

For the first time in a long while, I'm okay waiting. I'm okay with floating in limbo. I don't have to know what's coming and I don't even care what's coming. I guess the lessons learned have shown me that I'm going to be okay no matter what comes along. In the good, in the bad, in the ugly—I'm going to be okay. My family is going to be okay.

I'm loving this peaceful, easy feeling… I'm taking it for what is and enjoying it. Will this be the norm for my life? Absolutely not. But it's good to live in the calm after the storm. At least I know it exist. Come what may, I know peace exists. I didn't find it, it found me and I am so thankful.

So while I'm not asking for a storm to come my way, I know that I'm ready. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm in good Hands…

Letting Go

T.D. Jakes   (with my thoughts in italics)



There are people who can walk away from you.      You don't say.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.    But isn't that cruel?

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.  But maybe it's my fault, maybe I made them walk away.  Maybe I can fix it!

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]  So if they were really connected to us, they wouldn't have considered walking away?  I don't get it.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.  But what if it's not really dead?  What if I walk away and by walking away, I kill it?

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something- I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.  Oh but that goes against everything I was taught to believe!

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!   How do I know if it was never intended for me?

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…LET IT GO!!!  I try, believe me I try, but somehow they wind up jumping in my path over and over.

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!   But what if it's really my fault?  Maybe I didn't love them the right way?  Maybe I'm not worth it?

If someone has angered you…LET IT GO!!!   But what if I deserve their anger?

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!   Those thoughts are fleeting.

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents…LET IT GO!!!  But what about my kids?  How will I feed them? Or clothe them?  They need a home and food and shelter... they need sane, healthy parents.  Why do I deserve to have my needs met?  Will anyone really benefit from my talents?  Maybe I don't have talents?

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!


If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…LET IT GO!!!  I'd love for the relationships to heal, but doesn't that take both sides in the relationship to seek healing?  Why do I walk away from that?


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves…LET IT GO!!!  But I thought we should never give up trying?


If you're feeling depressed and stressed…LET IT GO!!!  Can't I just take medication for that?


If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to…LET IT GO!!! 


'The Battle is the Lord's!'


----------------------------------------------------

I think the concept of Letting Go quite possibly goes against what I have been taught. Now, I have been taught to let go of "sin, hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, etc". But I've never been taught that I should let go of people who walk away.


Throughout my lifetime, I've had some experience in more ways than one with people who have walked away. They just decide they don't love me, they don't like me, they don't need me and they walk away. The hardest part about some of that “walking away” business is that some of those folks led me to believe that it's entirely my fault they chose to walk away. And I do recognize that in some of the situations, the Deceiver led me to that belief.

I guess I’m learning a difficult lesson today. It could be that God wants me to let them walk. He wants me to say “it was fun while it lasted” or “thanks for the memories”. He could be saying this chapter is closing and it’s time to begin the next chapter and IT’S OKAY TO LET GO!


I desperately want to understand this concept. In the meantime…


Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

~1 Corinthians 13

Rain

Crying, broken, scared, hurting… the storm is all I know. It’s all I can see.

Carry me. Love me. Comfort me.

"Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them.  The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes,  and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."

Published... well kinda sorta

I wrote this back in July following a difficult life experience. I submitted it last month to an online magazine and they posted it. Thought I'd share it if you'd like to read it:

Curled Up With Jesus

I spent the day curled up in the lap of Jesus. As I listened to the steady cadence of his heartbeat, and the soothing rhythm of his chest rising and falling with each breath he took- I found the comfort I was desperate for. I’ve never been so close to him before and for that I am very ashamed. Of course, the reason that led me to the lap of Jesus leaves me ashamed as well. I ran there. I ran away from a problem that was so huge, there was nowhere else to go and I found myself wishing that I’d run there every day in either my happiness or my sadness.

I’m sitting at the feet of Jesus now. I’m listening to him speak—I seem so small here, yet significant. His left hand rests lightly on my head and I can feel his electricity full of love and compassion. He’s smiling at me, tears in his eyes. I am mesmerized by his face. The sound of his voice is as calming as the aroma cookies baking in the oven. The sound of his voice drifts in and out of my head, steadying my heart. His tears sparkle in the corner of his eyes and occasionally one runs down his cheek. He is happy that I’m here. He’s been waiting a long time for me.

I sense that there is so much he wants to say to me. His words, however, are not rushed and they are gentle. He stops speaking audibly and there is a beautiful silence that I recognize from my youth. When I close my eyes, I am standing outside in the woods behind my childhood home and there isn’t a soul around. The wind is gliding through the leaves, rustling them slightly. The sun has peaked through the tallest trees, hitting every other leaf on its way down to me. I’m overwhelmed as it seems as if the trees and rocks and the wind, the stream even… they all speak in their own way. I breathe deeply, inhaling the life that surrounds. Aware of my dream, I open my eyes again and I look at him curiously. I know what he’s saying, yet his mouth isn’t moving and no sound is coming from him. As I look into his eyes, I know what he wants me to know. Pleasant and frightening at the same time. He has always been with me, he has always spoken to me—somehow I lost my way.

We’re audibly talking again. As he speaks, he moves his hands. I talk with my hands, too, but this is different. My eyes fall on the wounds—I can see them and all of the sudden I am overcome with guilt and shame as I’m fully aware that those are my wounds. What have I done? Why am I here? I don’t deserve to be this close. The pain that led me here pales horribly in comparison to his pain. I begin to weep. Sobbing. Deep, guttural sounds that frighten me even though I know they are coming from within me. I am so unworthy.

But something really beautiful is happening now. He’s picking me up. He lifts me to his chest like a father lifts his injured child. Yet he does it with such ease and strength. His left arm is behind my back and his right arm under my legs as my limbs fall heavily over his arm. My head falls against his chest and I’m still sobbing. I can’t hold my head up. He cradles me and I feel like a small child. The electricity is palpable and then I hear it…

He begins to sing to me. It’s the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I am completely broken in the arms of Jesus and he’s singing over me. His warm tears have rolled from his beautiful face, landed on my face, and mingled with my tears. They fall one by one. With each note he sings and with each tear that falls, peace slowly begins to surround my brokenness. There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. I’m safe here. I’m loved here. I’m forgiven here. I don’t want to leave.

Copyright ©  2009 Melissa Meador Wilson

Calm Down

So I’ve been thinking about this song…

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything will be fine.

Hang on, help is on the way
And stay strong, I'm doing everything…

A remarkable phenomenon has transpired in me over the past several months. Perhaps it’s not really remarkable or phenomenal, but something has changed within me. It’s as if someone pushed a button in my head that has caused me to filter music differently. As of late, songs that aren’t about my friend Jesus have been making me think about Jesus. I don’t know if Jesus sings, I never read about it in the bible—but I do know that God created music. Music can transcend all time and space and well, everything. Just like God. Music has the ability to transform a mood, a heart, a soul... just like God.

I have always loved music: I love to listen to music. I love to dance to music. I love to sing to music. Music speaks to the depths of my soul unlike anything else.

So back to the singing Jesus idea.

When I listen to the melody and understand the lyrics of many songs, I begin to think of Jesus saying those things to me. Maybe he sings, maybe he doesn’t—but I feel like he’s saying something to me. And yes, maybe his message is coming from Jason Mraz singing “Details In the Fabric”! More than who is singing or what they look like or what the image they portray is… what matters the most, is that at the moment, that song penetrated my heart and my soul—I just heard from my friend, Jesus.

Jesus is reassuring me. I can hear him saying “Calm down, Melissa. Take a deep breath… it’s going to be okay.” This I imagine much like days of my youth when my Dad would remove me from an overwhelming and upsetting situation and attempt to calm me down. He would always remind me to take deep breaths and he would count out loud with me. “But Daddy, you don’t understand!” I would cry, all while taking huge gulps of air in between each word. He would make me look him in the eyes; he’d place his hands on my arms and say “Look at me, Melissa. Take a deep breath. Calm down… 1..2..3…4…5…6… it’s going to be okay.”

Jesus is still reassuring me. He’s helping me focus on him. He’s assuring me that I can go the way his father has asked me to go. He is reminding me that I know my name-- because sometimes I forget. He’s gently reminding me that there is healing for the broken stuff. He’s reminding me that I am loved more than I can even imagine.

And you know what? You are loved more than you can even imagine.