Showing posts with label defeat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label defeat. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

trying to find my voice (original 1.19.11)

i cried the night i saw it on Glee.  the story line definitely hit me-- i really hate it when that happens!  i've heard the song a hundred times before; always thought it was beautiful, but that particular night it was different.  i connected.  i shed a few tears and inside my chest, quietly buried beneath a tough exterior, my little heart broke into thousands of small pieces.

andrea sent Glee music to me for my birthday. during my regular commute home, this song began to play.  i turned the volume up as i recognized the music.  such a gorgeous melody.  a perfect marriage of beauty, tenderness, sadness and pain. i cried again.  the song just makes me sad, but it's an oddly beautiful sadness.

i've held so many dreams in my lifetime.  i remember a time when i believed anything was possible; the days of my youth where life seemed limitless!  so unaware.  my naivete gave me a constant smile;  it told me all people were good, things would always turn out right...  it was as if i had no idea of my own vulnerability and no clue that any danger existed at all.  oh how life really chews up our naivete, rips our innocence to shreds, and kills our dreams.

i don't write or talk much about my adoption.  some days, i don't think too much about it, but some days i do. the older i get, the more difficult it has become to communicate with people what i feel.  it's like a vast canyon that at times is filled with life giving water and other times empty and so dry, nothing could live there.  when i try to explain what i feel or what i think, i can't.   it's like being on an hunting expedition for the rare and hard to find words that may be able to describe what i feel inside. even if i did find the rare words and if i did speak those words, it would be as if i was speaking a foreign language to most.

i love finding quotes.  there are time when the words of others have the ability to give a good glimpse into what i'm feeling, but i can't even use the word formulations of others to articulate the feelings within.  i'm comforted by the reality that music speaks what words cannot and transcends any language barrier.  there are times the music tells the story far better the lonely words ever could.  victor hugo is quoted as saying "music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."   oh to hear a melody, a meeting of musical notes, each note carrying a meaning of it's own, blending perfectly to tell a story that you could not tell or could not understand otherwise. 

in this song is a beautiful sadness.  a nostalgic reminiscences of moments past with the beauty of the dreams you once held compounded with the certainty that there are hurts in life--no matter how much you wish they didn't exist. and a reality that some dreams will just be that--dreams.

i haven't been able to sing in months. when i find my voice, this is the song i'll sing.  for now, these two communicate what i wish i could far better than i...




I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
(But the tigers come at night)
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
(As they tear your hope apart)
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
.
so,  i found a song that expresses some of what i feel inside. this particular song speaks to a quiet sadness inside, but it leaves out an important part of my story because my story isn't all sad.  there is a lot of happiness inside as well.  i'm not sure you can have happiness without sadness or sadness without happiness.   it seems the two are mutually dependent on one another.  i'm thankful that deep within my sometimes broken heart, there is not only a beautiful sadness but a healing happiness as well.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Relating to Moses



 
There is truly a time for everything.
Ecclesiastes 3
1 There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

 2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
   A right time to plant and another to reap,
   A right time to kill and another to heal,
   A right time to destroy and another to construct,
   A right time to cry and another to laugh,
   A right time to lament and another to cheer,
   A right time to make love and another to abstain,
   A right time to embrace and another to part,
   A right time to search and another to count your losses,
   A right time to hold on and another to let go,
   A right time to rip out and another to mend,
   A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
   A right time to love and another to hate,
   A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
9-13 But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.
14 I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
 15 Whatever was, is.
   Whatever will be, is.
   That's how it always is with God.

 
So much to think about. So much to process… We're reading another new book—I'm gleaning so much from so many talented communicators'. I've really been thinking a lot about Moses.

 
Could it be that now is the time to "wage war"? Could it be that what wrecks my heart does in fact wreck God's heart? Could it be that now is my time to stand up and say "I can't take it anymore!"

 
The following excerpt from HOLY DISCONTENT is interesting; enjoy!

 

 
Holy Discontent by Bill Hybels
978-0-310-27228-1
Copyright ©2007

The Question That Started It All
he question had me vexed for two solid years. You probably know the type: questions like these keep you up at night, distract you when you're trying to stay focused on tackling other challenges, and cling to your last good nerve until they somehow get their answers. Here was the one that had disrupted my world for all that time: 

What is it that motivates people to work where they work, volunteer their time to the groups they serve, and donate money to the causes they support? That's it. That was my "vexing" question. To put it simply, Why do people do what they do? 

For starters, let's take the issue of vocation. Have you ever wondered why builders build, why writers write, why teachers teach, or why painters paint? I mean, what is it that compels people to give the vast majority of their waking hours to occupations such as these? Frankly, I think the answer is more substantive than merely "to get a paycheck" because an astounding number of us are also pouring time and energy into roles and responsibilities that don't pay a single dime.
In a given year it's estimated that American adults volunteer roughly 20 billion hours of their time. I have scores of friends in senior leadership positions with hospitals, ministry programs, nonprofit groups, schools, charities, and other worthwhile endeavors, and they all attest to the fact that their whole deal would crumble were it not for volunteer involvement. The annual dollar value on all that donated time, in case you're wondering, is about $225 billion1 —roughly the total GNP of a country the size of Austria.2 Add to that figure the many hundreds of millions in cold, hard cash that is given to worthy causes year after year after year, and things get pretty interesting. 

With so many people engaging in so much positive, world-enhancing activity, the insatiably inquisitive part of my personality just wants to know one thing: Why? 

As I mentioned, issues such as this one bounced around my brain unanswered for twenty-four long months. I started to wonder if I'd ever find resolution to it, but then came the welcomed breakthrough. 

Moses' Underlying Motivation
Many people I know rely on various disciplines to help them gain a sense of peace or purpose as they get going each day. You probably have a few of your own, but one that I've tried to practice for several decades now is to read a small section of the Bible every morning. Admittedly, I don't always experience immediate dividends; on some days, I dutifully get through my fifteen minutes and then go about my life seemingly unchanged. Then there are times when engaging in that simple practice serves to stretch my mind, infuse my heart with encouragement, and lift my spirit. The words seem to leap off the page!
This was one of those days. 

I was making my way through the book of Exodus when I came upon an interesting passage about Moses, one of the greatest leaders the ancient world ever knew. You're probably well acquainted with his story; I thought I was too, actually, but what gripped me this time around was that I finally figured out the underlying motivation that fueled Moses' primary achievement in life — leading his people out of captivity and into the Promised Land. 

Let me back up to the actual account, which begins in Exodus 2:11. The text says that "one day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor."3 (Quick note for context: Moses had been raised in Egypt by the pharaoh's adult daughter and was undoubtedly accustomed to the wealth, education, and freedom that accompanied such a privileged setting. Despite his posh Egyptian surroundings, though, Moses always knew that he was not really an Egyptian. He was Hebrew by birth — a Jew who was only living the Egyptian life "accidentally." So when the text refers to him seeing his "own people" working hard, it means his Hebrew countrymen, a group that at that time had been held captive by the Egyptians for more than four hundred years.) 

Essentially, Pharaoh and his lieutenants were building a thriving economy on the weary backs of their Hebrew slave labor. The work ethic mandated by Egyptian overlords was merciless — day after day, Hebrew men with no rights and little hope for future freedom were pushed past the point of exhaustion in the sweltering midday sun as they made bricks for Pharaoh's vast construction programs. Moses' people had come to accept their plight as "the norm," believing there was nothing they could do to impact change. 

It is in this context that we find Moses scoping things out around town, his heart understandably heavy as he sees firsthand the repulsive oppression his people were being forced to deal with. An already troubling situation takes a turn for the worse, though, when Moses looks up to find an Egyptian beating a Hebrew — one of his own people. Being treated as slaves was bad enough, but now his countrymen were being physically abused too? This level of injustice wasn't about to prevail on his watch! Moses has to do something.

Let me push Pause on the scene for a moment to ask you to consider the last time you saw a physical beating. I'm not talking about something you see in the movies that's been staged and scripted. I'm talking about a real fight . . . up close and personal. 

I hope you've never witnessed one; I've only seen one in my entire life, and I wish to this day I could kick the gruesome memory out of my mind. I was a teenager at the time, standing in front of my locker in the hallway of my high school in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Suddenly I heard some activity a few lockers down and looked up right as the awful situation unfolded. A young kid —probably a freshman — was minding his own business when a senior twice his size started to pick a fight with him. The senior was bulked up and had a snide grin on his face. He knocked the kid's books out of his hands and then totally humiliated him by yelling, "Pick 'em up . . . NOW ! Pick 'em up!!" 

He shouted loudly enough for the gathering crowd of students to hear, and when the tormented kid bent over to collect his scattered books, the bully started calling him terrible names, questioning his masculinity, and ridiculing him, his family, his upbringing, and whatever else he could think of. When the younger guy stood back up, his arms restrained by the heavy books he'd just retrieved, the bully wound up his right arm and threw punch after punch into the middle of the kid's face. 

I can still hear the sound of the senior's fist cracking the nose and shattering the teeth of that young boy who was standing only a few feet from me. I can feel the hostility and rage in the air. I can see the thick blood splattering onto the light brown locker behind him and dripping onto the white terrazzo floor.
Although the whole thing seemed to have moved in slow motion, in reality it happened so quickly that none of us could do anything to stop it. Finally, three of my schoolmates lunged toward the bully and peeled him away before he could do any permanent damage to the freshman kid. It was a sickening experience —and unfortunately one I'll never forget. 

Helping to Fix a Broken World 
Beatings are impossibly tough to watch, and normal people don't soon forget the gruesome sights and evil sounds that accompany them. This is exactly the type of stomach-churning event that Moses is exposed to in Exodus 2 as he watches an Egyptian guy beat up a fellow Hebrew. He just can't bear the terrible sights, the heart-wrenching sounds, the splattering blood. The injustice of the situation is far too much for Moses to take, and suddenly, something inside him snaps. 

The text says that upon "glancing this way and that"4 and seeing no one around, Moses raced to the defense of his countryman. He grabbed the Egyptian and pulled him off his fellow Hebrew, which incited a fight of its own . . . to the death. No doubt horrified by his capacity for violence, Moses buried the Egyptian in the sand and ran away. 

The very next day, Moses went out to observe the plight of his people once again. What he saw must have shaken him to the core: now two Hebrews were fighting each other! Fists were flying, teeth were shattering, noses were breaking — these were the same sights and sounds as before! I bet Moses screamed at the top of his lungs, "Why are you beating up a fellow Hebrew? Did it ever occur to you that he's one of us? What are you thinking? Our people are in forced labor and are getting beaten up regularly by the Egyptians, and now, you're fighting with each other?!" 

It was obvious to Moses that his people were imploding. They'd been exposed to such hatred and violence for so long that they'd probably just wipe each other out if left to their own devices. The appalling abuse and oppression and exploitation they had suffered under Egyptian rule had escalated to the level of total insanity, and Moses found himself on the extreme edge of his emotional limits. "That's it!" he must have cried. "I've absolutely had it! I just can't stand this anymore!" 

Later in the book of Exodus, there is a famous exchange between Moses and God, which takes place beside a burning bush. Moses comes across a shrub that is on fire, but he notices that although it is burning, it's somehow not being consumed. Things become stranger still when he hears the booming voice of God calling his name. "Moses! Take off your sandals. The place where you are standing is 'holy ground.'" 

As a kid in Sunday school, I had the distinct impression that the shocking sight of the burning bush that day utterly scared Moses into helping to free his people from Pharaoh's control. After closer study and reflection over the years, though, I've come to believe that the burning bush was simply an attention-grabber to get Moses to slow down long enough to hear God convey a level of empathy most of us never think to ascribe to him. 

Suffice it to say, the bush-on-fire tactic worked, Moses cooled his jets, and God got the chance to be heard. I think his words to Moses went something like this: "Moses, I completely understand the rage you feel. I too have seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I too have heard them crying out. I too have felt their anguish as they suffer. What you saw when the Egyptian guy was beating the living daylights out of the Hebrew slave, and what you saw and heard when the two Hebrew guys were so frustrated, angry, and hopeless that they started beating each other — I saw those things too! And for what it's worth, I hate the sorrow and suffering as much as you do! More, actually. 

"I am so stirred in my spirit, Moses, that I've decided to intervene from heaven," God probably continued. "I have chosen to rescue them, and I want to use you to help me!5 I've been looking high and low for someone exactly like you. If you will participate in my plan, then I will harness the internal firestorm that rages inside you and channel it into positive action —action that will help set my people free from their slavery. 

"I'm going to assign you to a specific role because I see that you are as stirred up on earth as I am in heaven about this issue. I can see what this is doing to you on the inside! I see in you a passion for your people. In your raw emotion, I see a man with a tremendous capacity for activism — a man who refuses to stand by idly while his people are being so dreadfully mistreated. Your frustration can forge leadership mettle and fortitude in you, Moses, if you will let it." 

That's All I Can Stands! 
Keeping the Moses account in mind, I want to come at the dynamic I've been describing from an entirely different angle in hopes of anchoring a couple of key ideas in your brain. 

I'm part of a generation that grew up watching a short, balding, mischievous cartoon character on television. His name was Popeye— Popeye the Sailor Man, to be precise, and if you're ten years on either side of me, you're probably humming the tune right now. Kids crowded onto family room couches every Saturday morning with rapt attention as the sailor with a corncob pipe and one good eye engaged in his next exciting adventure. 

Popeye had a special girl in his life named Olive Oyl. She was a real traffic-stopper, as I recall. Flat chest, pickle-shaped nose, spaghetti-thin arms — quite the looker! Whenever someone cramped the style of his special "goil" as he called her, Popeye typically took it all in stride. He had a long fuse, and on most occasions, he was the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. But if things took on a menacing tone—if it looked like something really terrible might befall his beloved Olive Oyl, then Popeye the Sailor Man's
pulse would race, his blood pressure would skyrocket, and his anger would begin to boil. He'd take it as long as he could, but once his long fuse burned up, Popeye would blurt out the words that an entire generation had branded into their psyche: "That's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!" (Dubious grammar, I know . . . what else would you expect from a sailor?) 

The now-enraged Popeye would rip open a can of spinach and swallow the green lump in one giant gulp. Immediately, a stream of supernatural strength flowed into his body —mostly into his forearms. They'd instantly bulk up to quadruple their normal size, giving Popeye the strength to be an unstoppable force for good in the world. He'd crush the opposition in no time and save his precious Olive Oyl from all sorts of distress. Then, once life had returned to its steady state, he'd sing himself off the screen, "I'm strong to the finich, 'cause I eats me spinach . . . I'm Popeye the Sailor Man!" 

What a show! 

As you'd imagine, people started eating a lot of spinach after that cartoon came out. But I think Popeye left behind a much more significant legacy than that, and it has to do with his key line, "That's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!" 

Friends, this is an extremely important line to think about! 

What happens when we reach the point where we can't "stands no more"? Well, for our Old Testament friend Moses, he could no longer tolerate his fellow Hebrews being oppressed and beaten. He just couldn't stand it! It was his "Popeye moment," if you will —the final ounce of frustration that flung Moses right over the edge. Because God couldn't stand the Israelites' mistreatment either, he used what I call a "firestorm of frustration" that was brewing in Moses' soul to launch this unlikely leader into a prominent role that resulted in the nation of Israel eventually inhabiting the Promised Land. 

Certainly, Moses is not the only person in history who was motivated by a Popeye moment to make a difference in the world. In recent days, I've asked loads of people I know to reflect on how they got involved in the things that now consume their time, their money, and their energy. What were the experiences that compelled them to pursue the passions they are now pursuing? Those interactions, along with some personal study and reflection, led me to craft a theory in my mind about this subject. 

Here is what emerged: I believe the motivating reason why millions of people choose to do good in the world around them is because there is something wrong in that world. In fact, there is something so wrong that they just can't stand it. Like Popeye, they too experience a firestorm of-frustration moment when they grow so completely incensed by the present state of affairs that they throw their hands up in the air and shout, "That's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!" As a result, they devote their vocational lives, their volunteer energies, and their hard-earned money to making sure it gets fixed. 

In my little straw-poll survey, the catalysts I uncovered that thrust people into their Popeye moments ran the gamut. A corporate executive I know had visited a ravaged third-world village teeming with starving kids and came away with an extra dose of compassion ... as well as fire in his gut to effect change. A young mom had battled through the pain of losing a baby and resurfaced determined to speak into the lives of other despondent women. A newly married couple had soaked up a news report on TV one night about an entire country filled with people who suffer under a corrupt political regime. Staring into the eyes of those who have no voice caused them to find their own in advocating individuals' rights in their spheres of influence. 

The point is, the irresistible attraction to a specific cause that compelled these people to invest joyfully of their time, their money, and their energies always linked back to a single spark of frustration that fueled what is now a raging fire in their souls. 

What Puts the "Holy" in Holy Discontent 
I should clarify that the gory Egyptian murder scene and the wild burning bush episode weren't exactly why the words leaped off the page the morning I was doing my devotional reading in Exodus. I think the real reason I was so fired up that day was because I finally had some supernatural sustenance to feed the vexing question I'd wrestled with for two years. Based on the Moses account, my "firestorm of frustration" theory was starting to hold water. I mean, here you have a massive, history-altering turn of events that gets the Hebrew people freed from hundreds of years of spirit-squelching slavery, and yet the whole deal can be traced back to a simple alliance between God and one normal, everyday, earth-bound human being who happened to find himself stirred up by the exact same thing that stirred the heart of his Creator. 

I've come to refer to the powerful, spiritual congruence that connected Moses' priorities to the priorities of God as his "holy discontent," and it's a concept that works in our modern world as well. Still today, what wrecks the heart of someone who loves God is often the very thing God wants to use to fire them up to do something that, under normal circumstances, they would never attempt to do. Whether you're a high-powered marketplace person, a stay-at-home mom, a full-time student, or something altogether different, you (yes you) can join God in making what is wrong in this world right! And it all starts with you finding your holy discontent; it begins with you determining what it is that you just can't stand. 

Even the most optimistic people I know agree that there is plenty wrong in our world today —and the Bible would support them. Passages like Romans 8:20 – 21 tell us that the entire creation is frustrated, but that by God's power, everything that is broken and frazzled and wrong will one day be redeemed. In fact, if there's one thing that God is focused on every moment of every day, it is this idea of restoration. He is working right this minute — even as you are reading this sentence—to call our sorry and broken world back to its original beauty and purpose. 

If you expose yourself to all that's broken in our world but neglect to view the brokenness from heaven's perspective (which promises that everything is in the process of being restored), then you'll get sucked into an impossible, downward spiral of aggravation and anger. Things will seem so bleak that you'll wind up taking up residence inside your firestorm of frustration instead of allowing it to propel you toward positive action. 

Once that frustration and anger is understood as being your holy discontent, though — your spiritual connection to the God who's working to fix everything— it's as if an enormous wave of positive energy gets released inside you. Much like Popeye in his spinach-infused state, you become an unstoppable force for good in the world. This energy causes you to act on the dissatisfaction that's been brewing deep within your soul and compels you to say yes to joining forces with God so that the darkness and depravity around you gets pushed back. This supernatural supply of energy allows you to move forward past all the natural human-nature responses and enter instead into a life viewed from God's point of view. In other words, your perspective shifts from that which your eyes can see to that which God tells you is true. And it is in this reality that what is enslaved can still be set free, what is broken can still be mended, what is diseased can still be restored, what is hated can still be loved, what is dirty can still be made clean, and what is wrong can still be made right. 

Truth be told, the most inspired, motivated, and driven people I know are the ones who live their lives from the energy of their holy discontent. They have a constant awareness that what is wrecking them is wrecking the heart of God. Refusing to stay fed up, though, they instead get fueled by their restless longing for the better-day realities God says are coming soon. They listen to the soulish instinct inside them that says life just doesn't have to be the way that most people experience it. Most importantly, they suit up and jump into the game when God says, "If you'll hook up with me, I'll involve you in effecting some much-needed change around here!" 

There's another common denominator I've noticed in people who live from the energy of their holy discontent: not only do they hold fast to a "restoration perspective," but they also remember that people are among the things being restored. This should make perfect sense, since you can't genuinely align yourself with God's priorities and then traipse around destroying the crown of his creation, his people. The God I know cares deeply about people, so if your area of dissatisfaction doesn't also reflect an abiding concern for the protection and development of all people, then your frustrated ranting and raving is probably more of a glorified gripe session than the byproduct of a God-given holy discontent. 

Part of living with God's perspective is remembering that the people you bump up against every day are "in process." If God has his way, every last one of them will be restored, redeemed, remade for his eternal glory. Think of all the times in Scripture when Christ made a way for people to get freed up from whatever it was that enslaved them, be it physical bondage, emotional bondage, financial bondage, sexual bondage, or any other kind of burden that left them feeling hopeless and oppressed. When Jesus Christ ministered here on earth, he said that if you know the Truth, the Truth will set you free.6 In other words, by knowing and walking with Christ, people can be freed from anything that has them tangled up. It was true for first-century believers, and it remains true for us today. 

What's more, once you choose to walk in the Truth, you get to be an agent of freedom in the lives of other people. I think that's why God makes freedom available as soon as you trust him . . . so that you can receive it, live it, and then go impart it to someone else. Your ability to detect and then act on that which makes you discontent can actually catalyze freedom-based living in the hearts of your friends and family members! This is an idea I'll address more thoroughly in chapter 7, "Magnetic Living." 

What About "Being Content"? 
On occasion, when I engage people in discussions about this subject matter, I get the question, "Yeah, but what about all the voices that tell me to 'be content'?" It's true: much has been written and preached over the years advocating contentedness. Especially in religious circles, it seems there is a constant drumbeat for "finding contentedness" and for "being content." 

Don't get me wrong, the motivations behind the theme are usually pure: in various places in Scripture, Jesus himself says to be content regarding how much money you have, to be content about your circumstances (even when they're not so great), and to be content when your basic needs like food and water and shelter are met.7 I just happen to think there's another side to the equation. Friends, the trouble with contentedness is that, when lived out in isolation, it can be lethal! If you're not careful, you will become lulled into a state of satisfaction, safety, and serenity, and you'll altogether neglect needs in the world that should elicit deep discontent when you see them going unmet. 

You can't read the New Testament without seeing some of these "discontentedness-producing" issues crop up. Questions like: 

What about the poor? Who will care for the sick and dying? Will anyone visit prisoners? Who will clothe the naked? Or take in the orphans? Or listen to the hurting? Or give water to the thirsty, food to the hungry, and community to the outcast? 

I think it's entirely possible for us to rest in God's promise of a better day — one in which there will be no compassion fatigue, no anti-depression pills, and no grumbling bellies in South Asian kids —while we work our tails off to usher it in! 

In fact, I think that when you choose to live out of the energy of your holy discontent—elbowing your way past the troubles and struggles and injustices surrounding you in determined pursuit of the "better things" God has promised in his restoration plan —all of heaven rejoices! In the midst of the celebration, God probably looks over at the angels, who are all whooping and hollering in excitement, smiles a knowing smile, and says, "Looks like we've got another Moses on our hands.. . ." 
Holy Discontent by Bill Hybels
978-0-310-27228-1
Copyright ©2007

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Forget Me Not

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,

the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.

I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—

the feeling of hitting the bottom.

But there's one other thing I remember,

and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:


22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,

his merciful love couldn't have dried up.

They're created new every morning.

How great your faithfulness!

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).

He's all I've got left.


25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,

to the woman who diligently seeks.

It's a good thing to quietly hope,

quietly hope for help from God.

It's a good thing when you're young

to stick it out through the hard times.


Lamentations 3:21-25 (The Message)



I probably won't forget the poison I've swallowed, the feeling of being so lost, or the feeling of hitting the bottom. From a vantage point of the casual life observer, you won't see that. From the vantage point of the consistent life helper, you know. You know all about my Life Provider.



There are times in our lives when coming to the end of ourselves, hitting the bottom and not seeing how we could ever rise again, is exactly where we need to be. Low in the depths, the Life Provider breathes air into our lungs, strength to our bones, and washes over us the peace that sustains our movement.



I won't forget the hope that I have held so tightly to for so long now. My hands ache from holding with such veracity. I'm not complaining-- it's a good hurt.



My hope is in NO human. My strength is from no human. In fact, there is no human who can give me what I need to live. Humans give supplements, but not sustenance.



He’s all I’ve got and I’ll wholeheartedly choose Him over everything else. I’m at home in His radiant love and this is exactly where I want to be.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Letting Go


T.D. Jakes   (with my thoughts in italics)



There are people who can walk away from you.      You don't say.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.    But isn't that cruel?

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.  But maybe it's my fault, maybe I made them walk away.  Maybe I can fix it!

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]  So if they were really connected to us, they wouldn't have considered walking away?  I don't get it.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.  But what if it's not really dead?  What if I walk away and by walking away, I kill it?

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something- I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.  Oh but that goes against everything I was taught to believe!

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!   How do I know if it was never intended for me?

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…LET IT GO!!!  I try, believe me I try, but somehow they wind up jumping in my path over and over.

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!   But what if it's really my fault?  Maybe I didn't love them the right way?  Maybe I'm not worth it?

If someone has angered you…LET IT GO!!!   But what if I deserve their anger?

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!   Those thoughts are fleeting.

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents…LET IT GO!!!  But what about my kids?  How will I feed them? Or clothe them?  They need a home and food and shelter... they need sane, healthy parents.  Why do I deserve to have my needs met?  Will anyone really benefit from my talents?  Maybe I don't have talents?

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!


If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…LET IT GO!!!  I'd love for the relationships to heal, but doesn't that take both sides in the relationship to seek healing?  Why do I walk away from that?


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves…LET IT GO!!!  But I thought we should never give up trying?


If you're feeling depressed and stressed…LET IT GO!!!  Can't I just take medication for that?


If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to…LET IT GO!!! 


'The Battle is the Lord's!'


----------------------------------------------------

I think the concept of Letting Go quite possibly goes against what I have been taught. Now, I have been taught to let go of "sin, hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, etc". But I've never been taught that I should let go of people who walk away.


Throughout my lifetime, I've had some experience in more ways than one with people who have walked away. They just decide they don't love me, they don't like me, they don't need me and they walk away. The hardest part about some of that “walking away” business is that some of those folks led me to believe that it's entirely my fault they chose to walk away. And I do recognize that in some of the situations, the Deceiver led me to that belief.

I guess I’m learning a difficult lesson today. It could be that God wants me to let them walk. He wants me to say “it was fun while it lasted” or “thanks for the memories”. He could be saying this chapter is closing and it’s time to begin the next chapter and IT’S OKAY TO LET GO!


I desperately want to understand this concept. In the meantime…


Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

~1 Corinthians 13

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Rehabilitated Misery


Tired.  Just plain tired.

Ever get messages from God, clearly marked messages from God?  Of course, you may not realize at first, but later the pieces start fitting together.  You have that "A HA" of a moment when you realize that two paths converged and in their connection, you got a message. 

My message from last week started as friends near and far sent out notes of kindness and love to my family and I.  At first, it felt all warm and fuzzy, "I do have some really good friends."  But then I started seeing how they kind words from all kinds of friends, some who don't even know each other, started to come together to make a lovely little piece of art. 

It all started with part of an encouraging note from a friend:

"I tell you now that your ministry is where your misery has been. That same spot that made you cry and moan is where you can bring honor and healing to those who are touched with the same pain."
So, I did a little research.  The quote comes from TD Jakes.  And I found more…

"God takes the broken and the wounded and rehabilitates them so that they can be clinicians of healing and instruments of life. You want to know what to do with your life. You are stuck on the steps in a job that is not fulfilling, and you are getting older and want to do something that matters to you. Fulfillment is not always a matter of income. It means a lot when you can lie down at night and know that what you did today made a difference in someone's life. I tell you now that your ministry is where your misery has been. That same spot that made you cry and moan is where you can bring honor and healing to those who are touched with the same pain. This is the spot where your compassion will skyrocket, and you can help the next generation of victims to get out of their beds and walk."
"The challenge is to reach a place of healing where you can discuss what was once a silent frustration. When you can vent it, that frustration turns to wisdom. It is at that point that you reach outside of yourself and give to others that ministry come homes to you."

"There comes a point when you have received enough help that you are no longer on the critical list. The moment you can get up, it is good to do so. You can gain strength by helping others ... You will never become a minister as long as you lie in the hospital bed yourself. Get up and help someone else survive what you endured. There are so many people who need the bed you are in. You must give it to them and become a part of the solution instead of the problem. That, within itself, is a therapy."

So, yes, I'm experiencing a bit of pain in my life.  And I'm tired.  I'm very tired.

But my ministry- my service- could very well be where my misery has been.   I could potentially take what I've learned and use it to help others.  Not really a new concept, but it's difficult especially when you look at the word MISERY. 

I guess I've got a big choice to make.   Am I going to use my misery properly or abuse it? 

Misery can take you to a very dark place filled with anger and bitterness and eventually, hatred.   If misused, misery could kill anything and everything that comes in contact with it.  You can forget about joy and love and peace… misery will murder them.  It won't be a quick death; it will be a slow, painful, torturous death. 

But if one is able to harness the right energy and power, misery could change.   Misery could be rehabilitated.   Misery could be refocused and repurposed. 

My misery has been repurposed for ministry.   
Interesting…

Friday, April 3, 2009

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Defeated

Some days it feels as if no matter what I do, I cannot do anything right for there is ALWAYS that critic in the crowd making sure I know what they think.

Deflated

Unfortunately, most days, I believe the critics -- whether the shout or whisper.

Dejected

And when I believe those voices, the hope is sucked right out of me as if someone attached a vacuum cleaner to my heart, flipped the switch, and let her rip; let the vacuum pull all the hope completely out of my core.

… but I’m not letting go that easy…

This hope within me must endure despite the storms raging around me, despite the battle being fought over me, and just when it seems like all hope could quite possibly disappear…

Enter the muster seed bit of faith.

Enter courage.

Enter Jesus.

Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." John 16:32-33

"His left arm is under my head, and His right arm embraces me." Song of Solomon 2:6