identifiably and tragically changed

I've spent the last several days really doing some soul searching. Recent events drove this to a top priority level on the necessity scale. You know, when you sit and try to figure things out and you just can't wrap your brain around that thing? Certain situations have made me think so hard, probably over-thinking, but really trying to process what I'm taking in. It's almost as if the motor in my brain is overheating—I've fried everything just trying to figure this thing out. I've literally expelled all my energy, emotionally and mentally just trying to make sense of this thing.

I had a good long cry the other night. A trillion and one little thoughts ranging from "I'm a freak" to "what's for supper" to "I just don't get it" to "what did I do so wrong" to "why did A do this" and "why did B do that to "I could eat a donut right now". I know, right? Insane. There are times, I admit, when my brain just flails out of control. But these tears were accompanied with this feeling that I was sort of washing out some of the hurt; the rest will heal over time. It's been a while since I cried. (Which is kind of weird.) Sadly my emotions as of late come out via the anger channel. A sarcastic quip, or raised voice, or angry combative exchange of words. The emotion has to get out—I'd explode otherwise. But why yell at my kids when its not the kids I'm upset with.  Or why be angry when you're really just sad? So I cried. And I felt better.

Along with the tears came something which really helped more than anything. The truth. That moment when I was able to name the reason I felt the way I did. Tangled up with that, was also where I owned the responsibility for my thoughts, actions, and inaction. That equals some level of freedom for sure. Allowing myself to verbalize the truth or identifying the root of the issue also allows me to breathe. When that brief moment of clarity snapped for me, it helped this situation make a little more sense. I have to stop looking at why "so in so" does this or "so in so" does that. I have to look at me.

I can't hide the fact that events in life have led me to fashion this little "fortress of solitude" around my little heart. We all do it. It's safe. But for me, it's like I literally cut-off the lifeline to my heart. Nothing in and nothing out. Sometimes I feel like that little heart became cold, dead, and black. Is that normal? Well, I can't speak to what normal is exactly, but I do think it makes sense. I suppose after a person has been broken, you'd be crazy to think that they'd remain the same after being put back together. Look at Humpty Dumpty; all the kings' horses and all the kings' men could not put him together again.

 

My heart suffered a tragic accident. The recovery is taking for-ev-er. I've made great progress, but I've also run into many obstacles that set the recovery back a few steps. It's painful and incredibly frustrating. When will I be strong enough to forget? How can I define myself in other ways, without considering the accident? When will people realize that their cure to everything doesn't always make sense to me. What a completely frustrating and trying process. And what if I go through this refining process of sorts only to learn that I'm just part of the dross?

I have been identifiably and tragically changed. I'm not the same; I am the one that has changed. I'm not the same person I was three years ago, not the same person I was five years ago or even a year ago. If I recognize change in certain situations, it's because I have changed, not necessarily anyone else. And while the change is good in many instances, my change is also tragic by definition which speaks to the depth of those alterations. Healthy growth of the human heart and soul is desirable and recommended. With those healthy changes also come the not so healthy. But I'm sure it's safe to say that this is something all humans deal with. That whole "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there ya have, the facts of life" thing.

So it's me that has changed and it's me that needs to make changes. It rests on me. Honestly, I'm just out of energy. Spinning my wheels in directions that I'm not meant to go in and on things that aren't a reality for me. I'm not done with this soul searching; there is still much to decipher. No, I don't believe that I'm a waste. I firmly believe that I am a work in progress and I have a lot of questions along the way. I'm not afraid to ask them and I'm not afraid to be honest. It helps me live this crazy life of mine and be who I was created to be!

It is nice to open my eyes in the morning and know that I'm not who I was yesterday, but I'm who I was created to be today. The junk from yesterday is gone, I let it go. That's the best I can do for now. Today is a new day.

Overwhelming Sadness

Like the waves hit the sand and drift back and forth, I have these moments of overwhelming sadness. They just hit me, wash over and then they are gone. I am thankful that they go as quickly as they come, but it is a deep, haunting sadness at times that makes me feel as if I just feel off the monkey bars, landing flat on my back on the playground. I can't breathe, I can't talk--I just lay there.

So when these waves of overwhelming sadness hit me and then leave, I'm left trying to figure out why they choose me in the first place. I'm not sad, I'm not mad, I'm just enjoying my morning, watching a movie, sipping coffee, feeling the breeze off the lake, watching the calm and peaceful water sparkle in the sunlight. But there in the back of my mind, tucked in the corner collecting dust, are memories that contain the sadness.

Forget Me Not

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,

the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.

I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—

the feeling of hitting the bottom.

But there's one other thing I remember,

and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:


22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,

his merciful love couldn't have dried up.

They're created new every morning.

How great your faithfulness!

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).

He's all I've got left.


25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,

to the woman who diligently seeks.

It's a good thing to quietly hope,

quietly hope for help from God.

It's a good thing when you're young

to stick it out through the hard times.


Lamentations 3:21-25 (The Message)



I probably won't forget the poison I've swallowed, the feeling of being so lost, or the feeling of hitting the bottom. From a vantage point of the casual life observer, you won't see that. From the vantage point of the consistent life helper, you know. You know all about my Life Provider.



There are times in our lives when coming to the end of ourselves, hitting the bottom and not seeing how we could ever rise again, is exactly where we need to be. Low in the depths, the Life Provider breathes air into our lungs, strength to our bones, and washes over us the peace that sustains our movement.



I won't forget the hope that I have held so tightly to for so long now. My hands ache from holding with such veracity. I'm not complaining-- it's a good hurt.



My hope is in NO human. My strength is from no human. In fact, there is no human who can give me what I need to live. Humans give supplements, but not sustenance.



He’s all I’ve got and I’ll wholeheartedly choose Him over everything else. I’m at home in His radiant love and this is exactly where I want to be.

Why? Because I NEED to breathe, that's WHY!

Have you ever been walking along, minding your own business, doing your own thing—when all of the sudden, out of the clear blue, a scent steps out in front of you causing you to come to a screeching halt. You are immediately transported back to another place and time. Ideally, this would be a pleasant scent and a pleasant place and time. There is comfort in the familiar. There is also comfort in pleasant scents or sounds or feelings. There is comfort when the scent that wafts in front of your nose reminds you of sitting in your Grandma’s kitchen while she cooks; when the scent reminds you of your cousin’s house; when the scent reminds of your first love; when the scent reminds you of a serene and peaceful place… etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

(No, I don’t want to talk about the unpleasant scent, that’s for another time.)

Several of you have questioned why I have such a deep admiration and love for Needtobreathe. Some of you have questions my enjoyment in reading the Twilight Saga. I’m going to explain both.

You see, needtobreathe fell upon my ears at a time I desperately needed God. I was distant, I was hurting, and my life was falling apart. I felt betrayed by humans, but ultimately, I did feel betrayed by God. Driving to work one morning, a song came on the radio. The first words I heard were… Daddy was a preacher, she was his wife; Just trying to make the world a little better, you know, shine a light. People started talking just to hear their own voice… and floodgates opened. The tears that had been bottled up spewed out of my eyeballs. I had to pull into a parking lot to sit. Even when the rain falls, even when the floods rise, I am washed by the water.

“Oh God help me! You know what is happening, you know how I hurt. Help me!” I cried and cried.

And he did. The music kept going. Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet; Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me, I won’t never ever let you down; I won’t fall, I won’t fall, I won’t fall as long as you’re around me.

God began pulling the pieces of my broken life together and he put me back on the road.

Thus began my love affair with the music of needtobreathe. I wasn’t hearing God anywhere else. I’m sure he was talking, but I couldn’t hear him. So, he used music to speak to me.

And on and on He spoke… Before the truth will come to fill our eye, The wool comes down in the form of fire; And when the answers and the truth have cut their ties, Will you still find me, Will you still see me through smoke, through smoke? Who do you believe when you can't get through? When everything you know seems so untrue? When I'm lost in a place that I thought I knew? Give me some way that I might find you, through smoke…

12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 1 Corinthians 13:12 (The Message)

And He kept speaking… Won't you take this cup from me, because fear has stolen all my sleep. If tomorrow means my death, pray you'll save their souls with it. Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.

Let the words I say confess my love. Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune. Father let my heart be after you…

41-44He pulled away from them about a stone's throw, knelt down, and prayed, "Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?" At once an angel from heaven was at his side, strengthening him. He prayed on all the harder. Sweat, wrung from him like drops of blood, poured off his face. Luke 22

God sent even more… Give me all the love and peace to end these wars; Give me something sacred

Something worth fighting for. It’s clear enough to me, the ugliness I see is evidence of who I need. Give me an answer, Give me the way out, Give me the faith to believe in these hard times.

5-6By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him. Hebrews 11 (The Message)

God kept talking to me… I am a troubled mind, I am a calloused heart, A failing engine from driving way too hard, I was trying way too hard. I pulled a thirty-eight out of my bleeding heart , I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far, this far away from you… I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow; Oh, this is the way I wanna go down, (This is the last time) I'm starting over with you

This is the way I wanna go out, (This is the last time); I never second-guessed the little voice I heard

It's just a whisper, that sounded like a scream , I ain't never felt so free

1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. Romans 8 (The Message)

God talked to me and I HEARD him! I could hear his voice… I was changed by the life of Jesus and I was moved by the Spirit. I was alive! I was hearing and seeing and feeling. God began growing hope and joy way down deep in my soul. The sadness and the pain were losing power.

So tell me why I should run for cover at the sound of the coming thunder; All I hear is the cry of my lover, So take your shot, I won't turn back

12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. Philippians 3 (The Message)

So I don’t believe you if you tell me God can’t speak through whatever means he wishes! God will find a way to speak to hearts. God will find a way to change lives. God will do it with or without you and with or without me. There is no stopping him!

I read my bible. I speak to God. I enjoy the company of Jesus and Spirit dwells in me. It cannot be contained, it cannot be defined, it cannot be what man says it must be, it will forever and always only be what God desires it to be.

Twilight Saga: I read it to distract me from the ugliness I saw all around me. I read these so I could feel young and alive. I read these because it was summer and I wanted to try to enjoy it. Period. I needed the distraction, God allowed me a distraction.

So get out your mixing bowl and big wooden spoon. Combine these ingredients:

1 part lyrics of needtobreathe                  1 part Twilight Saga

2 parts devotion of friends and family       3 parts pain

3 parts deep sorrow                                10 parts God speaking to me

1 pinch of vision

(So really, you’re going to question the order I placed those in? Really?)

Bake it for 10 months, in a very hot oven. Add an extra 120+ hours of purposeful and intense prayer.

Guess what comes out of the oven?

An awakened soul!

And guess what? You can’t have that without the pain. You can’t come out of the oven even remotely appetizing if hurt and sorrow aren’t part of the ingredients. It won’t be appetizing without the devotion of friends and family and it definitely won’t be appetizing without God in it.

I could not look at life the way I do today, this moment, this hour, had I not had the experiences life allowed me specifically over the last 10 months.

It was ugly where I dwelled. It was horrific, cold, stale, and full of death.

It is beyond beautiful here, where I sit now! And it’s full of LIFE!

Jesus has literally breathed new life into the marrow of my bones and has shown me his love over and over and over and over again. I don’t deserve it and it’s more than I ever imagined it to be!

If you’re reading this, it’s more than likely you have been on some part of this journey with me. You may know very well all the ingredients in my recipe. I can honestly and wholeheartedly say I’m so glad to be on this journey with you all. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for hating me. Thank you for kindness and thank you bitterness. God had taken it all and made SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL! If you can’t see that, I don’t know what to tell you other than OPEN YOUR EYES!

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

I wanted to be consumed by God, with God, for God AND I HAVE BEEN.  He has made something beautiful out of the rubble.  I'm not going to drown.  He won't let me!

God is alive, he’s on the move and he’s using me (and you) to change the world!!

I can honestly say as I am living proof of the fact that GOD WILL NOT WASTE YOUR PAIN. (Thank you, Amy, for understanding this in your life and sharing this very important piece of the puzzle with me.)

It’s time for the rubber to meet the road, people. There are sick people among us. We’ve got to get serious. This is a life and death battle. We’ve got to take the sick to Jesus! Just as you took me to Jesus, and I’ve taken you to Jesus-- we have to keep taking our brothers and sisters and those who don't know they are our brothers and sisters to the feet of Jesus. He will radically change their lives! Because we know and believe that which is placed in the hands of Jesus will be blessed.

Jump-jivin’… let’s get busy, people, we’ve got work to do!

We may be The Outsiders… Oh, why are we keeping score? Cause if you’re not laughing,

who is laughing now? I’ve been wondering, if we stop sinking could we stand our ground?

And through everything we’ve learned, We’ve finally come to terms, We are the outsiders.

I’m not leaving without a fight. I got my holster around my side. Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right. No you ain’t right.

But Jesus spoke very clearly, even though we are outsiders, we have a job to do and some people just won't like it. But we've got a choice to make!

17-20"Don't be naive. Some people will impugn your motives; others will smear your reputation—just because you believe in me. Don't be upset when they haul you before the civil authorities. Without knowing it, they've done you—and me—a favor, given you a platform for preaching the kingdom news! And don't worry about what you'll say or how you'll say it. The right words will be there; the Spirit of your Father will supply the words.

21-23"When people realize it is the living God you are presenting and not some idol that makes them feel good, they are going to turn on you, even people in your own family. There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate! But don't quit. Don't cave in. It is all well worth it in the end. It is not success you are after in such times but survival. Be survivors! Before you've run out of options, the Son of Man will have arrived.

24-25"A student doesn't get a better desk than her teacher. A laborer doesn't make more money than his boss. Be content—pleased, even—when you, my students, my harvest hands, get the same treatment I get. If they call me, the Master, 'Dungface,' what can the workers expect?

26-27"Don't be intimidated. Eventually everything is going to be out in the open, and everyone will know how things really are. So don't hesitate to go public now.

28"Don't be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There's nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands. Matthew 10:20-30 (The Message)

LET US LOVE! Living, breathing, life-giving, L-O-V-E, without condition!

In the crowd of the dead and disappointed
We're ashamed, giving up on what we wanted
Take a chance on a long shot this time
Aren't we all just at least worth another try



I'm a king in the land of abuses
Undermined by the promise of excuses
Who's to win if we know that it's not fair
Who would fight when it seems that no one cares
If somehow we could wake up


Let us love
Like we were children
Make us feel
Like we're still living
In a world I know that's burning to the ground
Give us time


To beat the system
Make us find
What we've been missing
In a world I know that's burning to the ground
Let us love
Like we were children
Make us feel
Like we're still living
In a world I know that's burning to the ground


How is God speaking to you?  Think about it.  Talk about it.  He's everywhere, in all things.  If you look for him, you will find Him- but your eyes, ears, heart and mind have to be open.

I Would If I Could but I Can’t So I Won’t

Dear Friend:

I hope when you read this, you will know this is for you. This is a message from Jesus. No, he doesn't need me to tell you anything, but he does use me to encourage your faith. I hope your heart is wide open, your ears are clear, and your mind focused on Him.

I know things have been difficult lately. You carry a heavy load some day with many thought and fears. You can allow yourself to be anxious at times. You shed tears on occasion beneath the weight of all you carry. I'm so sorry your load is heavy today. And on top of it, it's raining on you.

Well listen, you've got a friend in me. I'm always going to be here for you. When the rain drops fall one by one and you feel all alone, I'm willing to walk in the rain with you. I'll try to remember an umbrella. I know you want to hide; the pain is overwhelming, but you're alone when you hide. No, I can't stop the rain- I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't. But I have hugs to give, with lots of love to offer.

You didn't do anything to deserve this. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. The rain falls on all of us. The storms come along and we are all victim to the dark clouds and torrential down pours. It's a fact of life! But know this: you are dearly loved. You are a precious child of an almighty King. He loves you and adores you. He doesn't like to see the rain fall on you. In fact, he's sad when you're sad.

Listen, I can't make the rain stop. I don't even have an umbrella big enough to really shelter you, but I will be with you. I will stand beside you through the storm, until the rain stops. I promise. I believe in you. I love you. I know that this storm, this rain, is nothing. You've got this.

Don't give up.

Don't hide.

When the rain comes, He's there beside you. He's way better than me, but I'll be there beside you too.


I love you, friend.
~Melissa


When the Rain Comes
by THIRD DAY

Letting Go

T.D. Jakes   (with my thoughts in italics)



There are people who can walk away from you.      You don't say.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.    But isn't that cruel?

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.  But maybe it's my fault, maybe I made them walk away.  Maybe I can fix it!

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]  So if they were really connected to us, they wouldn't have considered walking away?  I don't get it.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.  But what if it's not really dead?  What if I walk away and by walking away, I kill it?

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something- I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.  Oh but that goes against everything I was taught to believe!

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!   How do I know if it was never intended for me?

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…LET IT GO!!!  I try, believe me I try, but somehow they wind up jumping in my path over and over.

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!   But what if it's really my fault?  Maybe I didn't love them the right way?  Maybe I'm not worth it?

If someone has angered you…LET IT GO!!!   But what if I deserve their anger?

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!   Those thoughts are fleeting.

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents…LET IT GO!!!  But what about my kids?  How will I feed them? Or clothe them?  They need a home and food and shelter... they need sane, healthy parents.  Why do I deserve to have my needs met?  Will anyone really benefit from my talents?  Maybe I don't have talents?

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!


If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…LET IT GO!!!  I'd love for the relationships to heal, but doesn't that take both sides in the relationship to seek healing?  Why do I walk away from that?


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves…LET IT GO!!!  But I thought we should never give up trying?


If you're feeling depressed and stressed…LET IT GO!!!  Can't I just take medication for that?


If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to…LET IT GO!!! 


'The Battle is the Lord's!'


----------------------------------------------------

I think the concept of Letting Go quite possibly goes against what I have been taught. Now, I have been taught to let go of "sin, hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, etc". But I've never been taught that I should let go of people who walk away.


Throughout my lifetime, I've had some experience in more ways than one with people who have walked away. They just decide they don't love me, they don't like me, they don't need me and they walk away. The hardest part about some of that “walking away” business is that some of those folks led me to believe that it's entirely my fault they chose to walk away. And I do recognize that in some of the situations, the Deceiver led me to that belief.

I guess I’m learning a difficult lesson today. It could be that God wants me to let them walk. He wants me to say “it was fun while it lasted” or “thanks for the memories”. He could be saying this chapter is closing and it’s time to begin the next chapter and IT’S OKAY TO LET GO!


I desperately want to understand this concept. In the meantime…


Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

~1 Corinthians 13

Rain

Crying, broken, scared, hurting… the storm is all I know. It’s all I can see.

Carry me. Love me. Comfort me.

"Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them.  The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes,  and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."

Published... well kinda sorta

I wrote this back in July following a difficult life experience. I submitted it last month to an online magazine and they posted it. Thought I'd share it if you'd like to read it:

Curled Up With Jesus

I spent the day curled up in the lap of Jesus. As I listened to the steady cadence of his heartbeat, and the soothing rhythm of his chest rising and falling with each breath he took- I found the comfort I was desperate for. I’ve never been so close to him before and for that I am very ashamed. Of course, the reason that led me to the lap of Jesus leaves me ashamed as well. I ran there. I ran away from a problem that was so huge, there was nowhere else to go and I found myself wishing that I’d run there every day in either my happiness or my sadness.

I’m sitting at the feet of Jesus now. I’m listening to him speak—I seem so small here, yet significant. His left hand rests lightly on my head and I can feel his electricity full of love and compassion. He’s smiling at me, tears in his eyes. I am mesmerized by his face. The sound of his voice is as calming as the aroma cookies baking in the oven. The sound of his voice drifts in and out of my head, steadying my heart. His tears sparkle in the corner of his eyes and occasionally one runs down his cheek. He is happy that I’m here. He’s been waiting a long time for me.

I sense that there is so much he wants to say to me. His words, however, are not rushed and they are gentle. He stops speaking audibly and there is a beautiful silence that I recognize from my youth. When I close my eyes, I am standing outside in the woods behind my childhood home and there isn’t a soul around. The wind is gliding through the leaves, rustling them slightly. The sun has peaked through the tallest trees, hitting every other leaf on its way down to me. I’m overwhelmed as it seems as if the trees and rocks and the wind, the stream even… they all speak in their own way. I breathe deeply, inhaling the life that surrounds. Aware of my dream, I open my eyes again and I look at him curiously. I know what he’s saying, yet his mouth isn’t moving and no sound is coming from him. As I look into his eyes, I know what he wants me to know. Pleasant and frightening at the same time. He has always been with me, he has always spoken to me—somehow I lost my way.

We’re audibly talking again. As he speaks, he moves his hands. I talk with my hands, too, but this is different. My eyes fall on the wounds—I can see them and all of the sudden I am overcome with guilt and shame as I’m fully aware that those are my wounds. What have I done? Why am I here? I don’t deserve to be this close. The pain that led me here pales horribly in comparison to his pain. I begin to weep. Sobbing. Deep, guttural sounds that frighten me even though I know they are coming from within me. I am so unworthy.

But something really beautiful is happening now. He’s picking me up. He lifts me to his chest like a father lifts his injured child. Yet he does it with such ease and strength. His left arm is behind my back and his right arm under my legs as my limbs fall heavily over his arm. My head falls against his chest and I’m still sobbing. I can’t hold my head up. He cradles me and I feel like a small child. The electricity is palpable and then I hear it…

He begins to sing to me. It’s the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I am completely broken in the arms of Jesus and he’s singing over me. His warm tears have rolled from his beautiful face, landed on my face, and mingled with my tears. They fall one by one. With each note he sings and with each tear that falls, peace slowly begins to surround my brokenness. There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. I’m safe here. I’m loved here. I’m forgiven here. I don’t want to leave.

Copyright ©  2009 Melissa Meador Wilson