andrea sent Glee music to me for my birthday. during my regular commute home, this song began to play. i turned the volume up as i recognized the music. such a gorgeous melody. a perfect marriage of beauty, tenderness, sadness and pain. i cried again. the song just makes me sad, but it's an oddly beautiful sadness.
i've held so many dreams in my lifetime. i remember a time when i believed anything was possible; the days of my youth where life seemed limitless! so unaware. my naivete gave me a constant smile; it told me all people were good, things would always turn out right... it was as if i had no idea of my own vulnerability and no clue that any danger existed at all. oh how life really chews up our naivete, rips our innocence to shreds, and kills our dreams.
i don't write or talk much about my adoption. some days, i don't think too much about it, but some days i do. the older i get, the more difficult it has become to communicate with people what i feel. it's like a vast canyon that at times is filled with life giving water and other times empty and so dry, nothing could live there. when i try to explain what i feel or what i think, i can't. it's like being on an hunting expedition for the rare and hard to find words that may be able to describe what i feel inside. even if i did find the rare words and if i did speak those words, it would be as if i was speaking a foreign language to most.
i love finding quotes. there are time when the words of others have the ability to give a good glimpse into what i'm feeling, but i can't even use the word formulations of others to articulate the feelings within. i'm comforted by the reality that music speaks what words cannot and transcends any language barrier. there are times the music tells the story far better the lonely words ever could. victor hugo is quoted as saying "music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent." oh to hear a melody, a meeting of musical notes, each note carrying a meaning of it's own, blending perfectly to tell a story that you could not tell or could not understand otherwise.
in this song is a beautiful sadness. a nostalgic reminiscences of moments past with the beauty of the dreams you once held compounded with the certainty that there are hurts in life--no matter how much you wish they didn't exist. and a reality that some dreams will just be that--dreams.
i haven't been able to sing in months. when i find my voice, this is the song i'll sing. for now, these two communicate what i wish i could far better than i...
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
(But the tigers come at night)
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
(As they tear your hope apart)
And they turn your dream to shame
And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
.so, i found a song that expresses some of what i feel inside. this particular song speaks to a quiet sadness inside, but it leaves out an important part of my story because my story isn't all sad. there is a lot of happiness inside as well. i'm not sure you can have happiness without sadness or sadness without happiness. it seems the two are mutually dependent on one another. i'm thankful that deep within my sometimes broken heart, there is not only a beautiful sadness but a healing happiness as well.
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