Blue Eyed Boy

Oh my darling Sam with the sweet, sweet smile! (You know I couldn’t share about Jamie without sharing about Sam. Naturally, Abby notes will follow.) When I look at Sam, I see pieces of me. He is quiet and reflective—always thinking. He takes everything in and just mulls it over. He is shy, but not painfully -as I was at his age. He cries when he’s upset, just like me. He laughs, but you really have to work for his laughter some times. He is sensitive and his feeling get hurt easily, just like me. Oh, yes, I’m very sensitive and get hurt easily—I’ve learned ways to hide that, but I guess I just gave a secret away. (Nah, not really. If you know me, you know how false that statement was. I don’t hide my feelings well!) He writes songs and plays the guitar. He keeps a journal sometimes and can be very private. I DO know where he gets that from.


Sam is always striving to prove himself especially when it comes to his little brother. If we show too much attention to Jamie, Sam pipes up from the back making sure we know that he can run faster, read more difficult books, ride his bike better, do tricks on his skateboard, and spell words that Jamie could never dream of spelling. My darling Sam is very competitive. I don’t know where he gets that from. *wink*wink*

What I’ve learned from Sam is that I need to encourage him that he doesn’t have to prove himself to me, he doesn’t have to earn my love. I love him just because. Just because he’s my son--he’s Sam. That’s reason enough for me! When he hugs me, he lays his head on my shoulder and wraps both arms around my neck. He twists my hair between his fingers and he often gives me a secretive angel kiss so tender and sweet. Many times, I can feel him exhale and relax—and he even smiles with eyes closed. I feel so important in those moments. As I bury my face in his hair (which is kind of moppy right now), I inhale. Why? Because he’s my boy. I love the smell of his hair and love the way it feels when I tussle it in my hand.

I’m terrified of losing those moments. I dread the day that he no longer wants hugs and kisses from mom or he no longer wants to just sit with me and chat. I dread the day when he may hate me because I’m “not cool” or I’m so “lame and out of it”. What if he decides he doesn’t like God or our family or anything that I love simply because I love it? I get so scared sometimes that I’ll lose him forever. I often make him promise that he’ll still hug me and tell me he loves me even when he’s an old married man. (Of course, 30 is just ancient in his book!)

I want for Sam (and my other two) a life full of adventure. I want him to be courageous and bold. I want him to live his dreams and never be afraid to chase those dreams. Oh how I want him to be confident of who he is and who he was created to be. I lived so much of my life afraid to be me and afraid of my own shadow at times. I don’t want that for him!

Sam is always so forgiving. Being the oldest, he’s seen many of my mistakes in the motherhood experience. After all, we were both newbie’s when we met. But he shows me mercy and grace and loves with a big heart… I want to be like him.