Absolutely Audacious

During this time of year, a great deal of my time is spent reflecting. It annoys me, but it happens. I’ve not written a single thing in months. Maybe it’s a major case of writer’s block or maybe I’m just really no writer at all, but my head is so full.


So much as happened over the last two weeks; What began as Christmas “thought” quickly took the back burner with plans of becoming a New Year “thought”. We were blessed to enjoy a wonderful Christmas with our family and Santa did not disappoint. During such difficult financial times, we were incredibly fortunate to be able to provide for our children. The presents overflowed beneath the tree and their eyes and their “oo’s and ah’s” on Christmas morning made it all so beautiful! Seeing Christmas through their eyes was amazing this year and I am so grateful.


We enjoyed several days with our families, both my parents and Jeff’s as well as Jeff’s family. Watching the cousin’s play together reminded me of my youth. Listening to them fight with each other was annoying and exhausting, but when they had those beautiful moments of all getting along—I rejoiced in my heart. J


Sadly, on the 28th, I had a call from my mom where she told me my father’s dad, Papa, wasn’t doing so well. One of benefits of being a state employee is that I have a great deal of time off during the Christmas season. Jeff agreed that I should go to visit with my Papa and Grandma during this time as I may not have another opportunity. I arrived on the 29th and spend a couple hours with my grandparents. The way I figured, I owed my Papa a couple songs as it had been years since I was able to sing for him. We enjoyed some quiet time where I was able to sing  to him. On Thursday, I was again able to spend a good bit of the day there. I read from the book of Psalm to Papa, sang a little bit, talked to him about silly things and gave Grandma some time to get her hair fixed. Papa seemed to understand what was going on, but it was hard to tell.


As I sat there holding his hand, it was so important to me for him to know he wasn’t alone. I felt a connection from my childhood to this man that I knew as my Papa. I missed his smile and laugh, but have such wonderful memories where the laughter echoes softly. They way he smiled, the way he wore his baseball hat, slightly crocked, before it was the popular thing to do. I remembered how hard he worked and even how he would smell when he would come in from a morning working at the saw mill. A mixture of gasoline, perspiration, and saw dust—comforting in a very strange way. I can still see him standing the in the farm house kitchen eating a tomato that he had sprinkled salt on and talking to Grandma about the day.


On Friday, as I sat there beside him, I cried because I didn’t have many memories in my adulthood. It made me sad that so much time passed and I felt I lost my Papa a long time ago. But through the tears, I remembered the last thing he said to me, back in November. He said “I love you”. So even through a bit of guilt for not being the best granddaughter I could be, I am comforted by the fact that my Papa knew how much I loved him and I knew he loved me. I whispered to him that I was proud to have him as a Papa.


I came  home on Friday, 12/31, and my Papa passed away around 4am on 1/1/11. Not how I’d choose to start a new year, but I am blessed to have had a little time with him and blessed to have such a good man in my life as and Papa. Papa has always been a Red Sox fan and he’s always worried about his family. The last thing I told him was this: “We will keep rooting for those Red Sox! Jeff loves you, so do the kids. Listen, we are going to take real good care of Grandma, please don’t worry. You go see Jesus! We’ll meet you there in a little bit.”


12/24/10


As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed. ~Vincent van Gogh


As our final preparations are made for Christmas: laundry, dishes, dusting, cleaning bathrooms…I listen as Sam tells Abby about Santa. She about came unglued when he told her Santa will come down the chimney and then come check in her room. “No, he can’t see my room!” she shouted. It was cute, but I could sense her distaste for that thought. Jamie is in the next room screaming at Ben Roethlisberger in video game… my goodness, he must be an awful player who doesn’t do what Jamie tells him to do. Jeff is folding laundry and I’m just trying to get a thought out on “paper”.


2010 was a weird year and I’m really ECSTATIC to see it go. I honestly had high hopes that 2010 would be so much better than her predecessor. There were some really awesome events this year, but as a whole—it really sucked. Sorry, but it’s true. My family kept my head above water. My children kept air in my lungs and my obsession with NEEDTOBREATHE kept me occupied (no, Katie, I’m not a stalker, I swear


It was during some dark moments that really spectacular things happened. I found peace and comfort in unique places this year...


Children. While my eldest turned 10 yesterday and I am in shock, we are excited to celebrate this milestone with Sam, a phenomenal young boy. Jamie is still our lighthearted comedian. When I dyed my hair brown, he told me I looked like Katy Perry. “I like that, Jamie, she’s so pretty,” I said. He replied, “You’re pretty, Mom, duh.” Sam shook his head and said “she doesn’t look like Katy Perry.” Okay, Captain Obvious, just go with it! Abby has one speed--100mph. She’s in to absolutely everything! Jeff is convinced she is a mini magician. My darling Jeff has had the privilege of being the primary caregiver for our children. This isn’t what he, or I, thought would be our reality-- I am so thankful that he is such a good husband, father, and man. My children will surely benefit from all this time with their dad—a luxury they were not afforded in years past. Unemployment has been a difficult journey for us. Becoming a one income family has been challenging not only on individual levels but also relationally. But we face each day together and we keep looking up. Home. In June, we relocated to a little cottage by the lake. Our summer was spent playing, relaxing, and soaking up the sun. My internal rhythms have calmed dramatically since our move. This is the best place we’ve ever lived and finally feel “home”. Family. When we moved, we landed right next door to Jeff’s sister and her family. To many that seems risky to live so close to family, but I can honestly say it has been exactly what my family needed. To be so close to a family who has taken such good care of us has been amazing! Oh how important family is. A lesson I am extremely thankful for. Health. A weirdly insane battle with depression and bizarre anxiety, which I thought was killing me, exploded in May. As I lay at the doctor’s office who rushed an EKG due to my chest pains, I was scared to death. After the EKG, blood tests and discussion, the doctor looked at me and asked “what is going on?” I burst into tears and replied, “Everything!” This story would be a book, so I’ll just say I kept moving forward with the help of Jeff, family, friends and medication. Job. After a lot of debating, I took a giant leap when I decided to apply for a new job at the end of May. When I was offered the job in June, I started two weeks later in the midst of some major personal chaos. I had to learn so many new things, but the timing was right. I came into a new office filled with some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. The ladies in my group have truly been a source of strength for me. These women allow me to be silly, they allow me to cry, to rant and rave, they allow me to just be me and I love them for it. They’ve supported me along an insane personal journey and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I left a comfortable job for the uncomfortable and while I risked losing, I totally ended up gaining a whole heck of a lot. Some great friendships have been built and I am so fortunate! School. So Jeff and I are both back in school. He’s working on a Master’s degree and I my BS in Business. We must be gluttons for punishment! Unexpected Gifts. I was able to take a trip to Boston with four days where I didn’t have to stress over family or work—I could just have fun with dear friends and sleep. Again, let me say how fantastic my friends have been to me. Oh my word! There really aren’t words…just amazing. AND I got to see NEEDTOBREATHE three times in 2010! (Now my boys are moving on to bigger and better venues and my budget may not allow many more trips to see them, but I’m proud to “know” them.) Generosity and Grace. Our family has received many gifts this year. Friends who have reached out, felt a desire to help, and met our needs—even when no one knew about the need. Interesting how that works out. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends! Humility. It is difficult to accept gifts, especially when you can’t see how you deserve them. Of course, the reality is that I don’t deserve them, but it’s humbling just the same and I have truly felt loved.


I do have so much to be thankful for. I would be an absolute idiot not to focus on those things! I experienced some major heartbreak this year, but I’m looking forward to starting over— at the very beginning—in 2011. There were some extremely lonely times and dark places, but I know those have a purpose. Some lessons have been learned and some have yet to sink in, but this I know: I’m ready to get on with my life.

For 2011, it is really time for something new. So, I commit my energy to a new start. This year, I will:


keep my heart unlocked
see first the good in all people
search for truth
look for the light
breathe
and believe.



My hope is for my friends and family to have an absolutely audacious 2011. Here’s to new beginnings: living with veracity, loving fearlessly, and laughing hysterically!


Here we go...
Melissa