No Lines, No Waiting

I’m not a patient person- you know me, you know this.   Never have been and I’m not sure I ever will be.  I think I’ve learned how to practice patience, but it isn’t innate quality for me.  This must be why I get so frustrated standing in line behind one person that seems to ask all the wrong questions for the dumbfounded cashier who has no right answer.    Or why traffic lights disturb me so—I just want to get out and go, open road, wind in my hair…

John Mayer sings a song about waiting.  Waiting on the world to change to be exact.  I’ve listened to it many times, but never really delved into the lyrics more than “waiting, I keep waiting on the world to change”.  So I looked it up the other day.   These are some pretty good lyrics.   In fact, I can relate.  

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Oh yes, John, me and all my friends do seem to be extremely misunderstood.    There are many “Melissa Life Observers” who do not understand me and whom do not hold an ounce of confidence in me.  

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

No, I don’t believe that I see everything that’s going wrong, but I do see many instances where things do go wrong.    I definitely don’t feel that I have the means to rise above it, mainly because my voice is often taken away from me.    Actually, that isn’t entirely true.  My voice isn’t necessarily taken away, it’s just that my voice has no merit.  I’m not old enough to know anything and you compound that with the fact that my thoughts and ideas are very different from the norm (whatever the "norm" is?) …well, you get the picture.

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

I’ve been waiting a very long time and the distance is growing by miles daily.  

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want 

I’m not going to get political.  But if I had the power to change situations for people and make life better for someone, would I?  Or do I even really know the situation exist because of the information I receive or don't receive?   It is a pretty sad instance when folks take information and twist it to tell the story they want to tell.  Everyone does it.  We, like sheep, follow the loudest voice with the most elaborate tale.  A tale of woe, with the voice that paints the direst picture with titillating details that keep our mouths watering for more.  We bend the story for our own benefit, making the heroes and the villains whomever we with them to be.

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

So that’s why I keep waiting.   Waiting on the things to change, willing to fight for change, but the fights I find myself in are not fair.  And so I wait some more.

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

My generation will rule the population?  WHAT?  That’s scary.  Well, not really.  It's just that as the student, some of the teachers haven't given me all the information I need.   At times, the teachers teach more opinion and less fact thus leading me to one big pile of confusion!  Especially when I find the facts on my fact finding missions and the ole fact-o's don't seem to match the teacher's teachings.  

But you know what--  I don't want to wait anymore.  I've only got one life and I want to live it!  The longer I wait for the world to change, the more life I miss out on.  And to top it all off, I could wait a hundred years for the world to change and it never will.  Talk about time not so well wasted!

I can't change you anymore than you can change the earth from spinning.  You can't change me, but if either one of us want to see change in our world, we have to do something. We can't sit still!  Passing blame from one person to another is nothing but a vicious and annoying game of hot potato.  The blame may not belong with you, but when the music stops and that hot tater is in your hand- YOU LOSE, SUCKER!

So we make small steps towards change.  One step at a time, we try to do our part.

"I am only one, but still I am one.  I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."  

~Helen Keller 

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

Christmas Merry & New Year Happy

Each year, I attempt to write a Christmas letter.   This year, due to Facebook and the blogging I attempt, I can’t think of much friends wouldn’t already know.  Of course, the bigger difficulty is that I can’t seem to figure out how best to describe 2009.  Without a doubt, this year has been unique to say the least.  I suppose most of us can say that.  It has not been without adversity.  However, I have known love like never before as I’ve felt the love of God around me and the love of dear family and friends.    My heart is filled up to overflowing!



 Things I’ve learned in 2009:

• it’s okay to ask questions
• don’t focus on the circumstances, focus on how God is using the circumstances to teach you
• “Keep your mouth shut, Melissa”  (okay, Daddy, I will)
• find your happy place where you can sing at the top of your lungs and dance like a fool
•  whoever scripted the line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is a liar
•  love means sometimes you do have to say you’re sorry
• “It is true that relationships are a whole lot messier than rules, but rules will never give you answers to the deep questions of the heart and they will never love you” ~ Sarayu, The Shack
•  there is freedom in forgiveness
•  true friends drop everything and come running- even when you live 16+ hours away
• God provides for his children
• “The bond the links true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s lives.”
•  to have a friend, you really do have to be a friend
• sometimes you just need your Mama
• “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”~C.S. Lewis
•   if your hate is only skin deep, what does that say about your love?
•  wounds heal
• hold on to hope and never let it go 
• don't be held captive by anger and bitterness
• loving God isn’t about a set of rules
• "A faithful friend is the medicine of life." – Apocrypha
• some people are mean, love them anyway
• Staycations are best when they are shared with family on the water’s edge
• “Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”
• there is nothing quite like mini-van dance parties
• love until it hurts and then love some more
• Needtobreathe is one of the best bands ever 
• "His left arm is under my head, and His right arm embraces me." Song of Solomon 2:6 
• just because I read Twilight doesn’t make God love me any less
• one day at a time is all I can do
• To be loved by God, my husband, and my children is enough

  
Sometimes our hearts get tangled and our souls a little off-kilter
Friends and family can set us right and help guide us back to the light.
~Sera Christann


Our family and friends have had a major impact on our lives this year.  We could not have survived one day with each and every one of you.  Thank you for your faithful support, endless encouragement, unconditional love, and for just being you.  

I have personally learned some huge lessons this year.  Most have been about love, true and crazy love.  I’ve certainly learned that life is about family and friends- the fuel to living!  I am deeply indebted to my family and friends for their support throughout this year.  I’m thankful for the lessons learned about authentic relationships and unconditional love.  Walking with Jesus has been a real adventure these past 300+ days.  I trip and fall- he picks me up.  I try to carry too much, causing my knees buckle and me to crash to the ground under the heavy load, He’s digs me out from under the heap.  I cry and he’s there to cry along with me and somehow he always finds the words to say, the words I can’t seem to find.  Combine that with family and friends who do the same, my cup surely runneth over!

May the coming year be full of laughter, love, and life!
May you daily know peace and hope,
And may you find your happy place where you can dance like a fool and sing at the top of your lungs.

Live fully, friends, embracing each day as the gift that it truly is and seek truth wisely;
Love even when it hurts, never be afraid to say you’re sorry, and be kind to one another all the while, offering love, grace and mercy without reservation.

May God richly bless you and yours!

Merry Christmas

~Melissa, along with Jeff, Sam, Jamie and Abby

Every person has the power to make others happy.
Some do it simply by entering a room --
others by leaving the room.
Some individuals leave trails of gloom;
others, trails of joy.
Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;
others, trails of love and harmony.
Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism;
others trails of faith and optimism.
Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;
others trails of gratitude and hope.
What kind of trails do you leave?

~William Arthur Ward

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

Bring on the Beautiful

Chaos.

When I saw the look on Jamie's face, I knew it well.  "Just like his mother," said my husband.  The look of sheer confusion and frustration. When he started fidgeting with his arms and running his hand over his head, I knew the tears could fall at any moment-- he had had enough.

The game began at 8:30am on Saturday morning.  The boys were so excited for this their very first basketball game.  Uniforms- check.  Shoes- check.  Deodorant- check (thanks, mom.)  So they had not had enough sleep the night before the big game, that's was okay.  They were ready!

Whistle blows and they're off!

Running up and down the court, trying to dribble, not double dribble, but just dribble.  Trying hard not to travel and trying not to have every pass stolen... it was a difficult first game for the boys and their teammates.  Nearing the end of the 3 quarter, I saw the look on Jamie's face.  He was tired, but it was more than that.

Oh the chaos!  You see, he had two coaches in front of him coaching.  He had the well meaning referee behind him every step, gently instructed with that ear piercing whistle.  To the right, the loud fans from the other team.  To the left, the mom, dad and fans from his team.  From ever angle, there were voices loudly "speaking" to Jamie-- echoing throughout the gym. Even though he knew the coach's voice, he still had others shouting "Pass the ball!" and "Dribble!" and "Rebound!" and "GO!" and then the fans from the other team cheering for point after point.  Not to mention, the other team always in his face, right there every step on the court not wanting him to do what he wanted to do.  Do you know how overwhelming that is? 

I thought of this in my own life and began to twitch.  When the chaos sets in when you just get so frustrated at everyone telling you what to do.  Your body begins to crawl with frustration and you'd just as soon run out of the building then do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. Obviously, I don't play basketball, but I do know what it is like to have so many voices shouting out  to me.  I don't want to listen to all the voices who think they know what I should do, I want that one voice who knows what I need to do.  I want to hear my coach and noone else.  There is only room in my head for one voice and all the rest is a major distraction. Does life ever feel that way for you?  You just reach the point  where you want to scream "SHUT UP!" so you can just hear the one voice you have been training with all along.  You need to hear the coach, he's got the plan.

I'm sure with time and lot's more practice, Jamie will learn how to focus on his coach's voice.  With time, he will be able to drown out all the background noise so the coach is the only one he hears.  With time, the frustration, confusion and even anxiety will subside.  With time, he won't notice the voices of distraction.

I feel like Jamie did that Saturday morning.  I've tried so hard to focus, and hear the words of the Coach.  I just know he's there and he's giving me the game plan, but everyone is so loud.  I can't hear Him over the crowd!  I need more practice.  I need more time focusing on the voice of my Coach.  If I can't hear Him, there is no one I'm going to be able to succeed in this game.   

Stop. Focus.  Listen.  Deep breath.  I've been training for this! I can't let the impending chaos and the empty voices of distraction send me running for the door.

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

(Really?  I'll have to think about that quote.)

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

I'M JUST SAYING

Often times, I find that I am afraid to speak my mind.  Many people in my world speak their minds regularly with no regard to how those hearing will feel.  So I’m giving myself permission to say a few things I’ve wanted to say and choosing not to filter as heavily as I usually do.  



“What do you do when the infection hits you, when it takes over? Do you do what you're supposed to and take your medicine? Or do you learn to live with the thing and hope someday it goes away? Or do you just give up entirely and let it kill you?” 


Surely your answer would be “Take the medicine, of course.”    I mean, you can live with a hang nail or a bad haircut, because you know with a little time, it will resolve itself.  You can even live with a broken toe.  Odds are there would be no cast, just time to heal.   But what if it was your heart or your brain?  What if it was an infection in your leg or hand?  You’d want those things taken care of right away.  Your way of life would be dramatically changed without the use of either legs or even one hand.  And the worst diagnosis would be, if you don’t take the medicine and do what you’re supposed to do, you will die.

I think many times we try to find other cures—treatments the doctor didn’t mention.  Example:  Let's say the doctor tells you that you have diabetes.  Your reaction is to insist that it’s something else and you choose not to participate in the treatment.  What could happen?  Seriously?  The DOCTOR tells you what it is and gives you treatment options, yet you think you know better than he does?

Or let’s say the DOCTOR gives you this diagnosis and you turn around and blame the doctor for being a terrible doctor and allowing you to get diabetes.  Pay no attention to the fact that you’ve never exercised a day in your life- even though the doctor hounds you EVERY visit; you drink soda and eat every sugar laced piece of anything you can get your hands on 24/7—even though the doctor has repeatedly asked you to exercise and try a healthier diet.  But YOU’RE RIGHT!  This is so not your fault! Stupid doctor.

The burning question for me is how does this translate to the church?   What does the church do when an infection hits?  Does it just ignore the infection and hope it goes away or does it give up, consenting to a slow, painful death? 

In all seriousness, in many cases, there is a minor infection in a "leg" or "hand".  These are things that are painful, but with the proper treatment, healing can occur.  But in the direst instances, the infection is in the "brain" and the "heart" of the church. So in the minor and the dire, what is the choice of the church?  Does it:

a.)  follow the Doctors treatment plan?

b.)  ignore the illness or live with it, hoping it goes away?

c.)  or does it give up entirely and let the illness kill the church?

Unfortunately, what I have observed is this: the church first ignores.  And when the illness doesn’t go away, it then starts throwing blame around. After all, this is so not the church’s fault!  Right?

I’m convinced that the Doctor does know what he’s talking about.  Regrettably, we think we know better.   We don’t care what the Doctor says and we could care less about His possible treatment for the illness.  We’d rather ignore the minor infection.  But when we ignore the minor we risk it turning into a major infection that puts the church’s life at risk.

This happens over and over again because the church doesn’t want to listen to the Doctor.  It’s easier to ignore the problem or to just lay blame and talk it to death than participate in the treatment.  I often imagine and chaotic scene where members of said church are standing around looking for something, yet they don’t know what.  Bewildered, with shrugging shoulders and confused expressions- “we don’t understand!  How did this happen?” And when they can’t figure out the answer, the very next question is “whose fault is this?”

Prayer is not our first response.  If prayer is a response, sadly it’s a vague minute prayer whispered in a panicked hurry, forgotten about almost as quickly as it was uttered. Forgotten because the next conversation comes up regarding the issue of “How did this happen?” and “We need to get to the bottom of this.” Of course you must throw in your opinion.

I’m pretty sure the Doctor’s orders are very clear in many instances.   You want to know why there is an issue?  Funny thing is, we know Who to talk to and I’m not talking about a one minute- one sided obligatory “conversation”.  We surely better be seeking Him minute by minute; non-stop.  And it may behoove us to stop talking.  The more frantic we become, the louder we become and the less likely we are to actually hear God speak.

Basically, if there is an infection, you might want to shut up and listen to the Doctor.  You may not know the answer and you’re way of treating the infection may just kill you.  And ignorance is not bliss no more than the infection will magically disappear because you ignored it. But be sure that blaming someone else for the infection will not heal the infection.  It will probably race the minor to a major in a matter of seconds and your chances of survival just plummeted.

I’m just saying... that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.


2 Kings 20:12

 1 Some time later Hezekiah became deathly sick. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz paid him a visit and said, "Put your affairs in order; you're about to die—you haven't long to live." 

2-3 Hezekiah turned from Isaiah and faced God, praying: 
      Remember, O God, who I am, what I've done! I've lived an honest life before you, My heart's been true and steady, I've lived to please you; lived for your approval.   

And then the tears flowed. Hezekiah wept. 

4-6 Isaiah, leaving, was not halfway across the courtyard when the word of God stopped him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, prince of my people, 'God's word, Hezekiah! From the God of your ancestor David: I've listened to your prayer and I've observed your tears. I'm going to heal you. In three days you will walk on your own legs into The Temple of God. I've just added fifteen years to your life; I'm saving you from the king of Assyria, and I'm covering this city with my shield—for my sake and my servant David's sake.'" 

7 Isaiah then said, "Prepare a plaster of figs."   

They prepared the plaster, applied it to the boil, and Hezekiah was on his way to recovery. 

8 Hezekiah said to Isaiah, "How do I know whether this is of God and not just the fig plaster? What confirming sign is there that God is healing me and that in three days I'll walk into The Temple of God on my own legs?" 

9 "This will be your sign from God," said Isaiah, "that God is doing what he said he'd do: Do you want the shadow to advance ten degrees on the sundial or go back ten degrees? You choose." 

10 Hezekiah said, "It would be easy to make the sun's shadow advance ten degrees. Make it go back ten degrees." 

11 So Isaiah called out in prayer to God, and the shadow went back ten degrees on Ahaz's sundial.

Who needs a "Julie"?

In the quiet, unsuspecting moments of life, these little lessons pop up and we find ourselves stunned that we could gain so much from a seeming insignificant event. For me, I didn’t realize how much what happened that moment would mean to me until later on—years after it happened.

It was 1995, nearing the end of a summer. I was back in school for my junior year. Fall was quickly approaching, my absolute favorite time of year. Ah… Friday nights spent at football games with friends. My afternoons were spent “running”. Being a part of the cross country team was something I really enjoyed more than anything. (I was terrible, but had fun.) My friend Julie and I had decided that we were really going to try hard this season. No more walking and wandering off on the trails, we were serious this time. She had far more determination than I. Man, I was such a goof off! I always got busted walking when the coach would circle back to find those that lagged behind the pack. Who did he find? ME! Well, anyway, Julie and I were really going to do better—or I was, anyway. (I know I always held her back. Sorry, Jules!)

During one particular CC meet, Julie and I were running together. Great pace, really doing well. I was amazed that I was still running at the 2 mile mark. (Seriously, I was awful!) It was warmer that day and I was having a really hard time breathing. My asthma wasn’t terrible, but it was certainly no benefit. I told her I had to stop. She encouraged me to keep going. “Steady your breathing. We can slow the pace just a bit, but don’t stop.” So I kept going. My legs burned, my chest was tight and I could barely breathe. “I have to stop,” I said. “You keep going, I’ll catch up.” Well, that wasn’t acceptable to Julie. “Oh, no you don’t! You’re not stopping now, we’re almost there.”

It’s what happened next that changed me. Julie got behind me and put her hand in my back. She literally started pushing me, “Come on, Mel. We’re too close to the finish! We cross together, remember? Let’s go!” And so we finished the race together. My friend wouldn’t let me quit. My friend stayed with me, helped me focus and kept me going.

She probably has no idea know how often I think of that. She was so determined and just wanted to quit, but she wanted me to be determined, she wanted me to finish what I started—she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Quitting was not an option.

That meant a lot to me then, but so much more now. I want to be a friend like that. I want to come along side my friends who are tired and just want to quit. I want to literally push them along, helping them to focus and making sure they don’t quit. In turn, I want friends like that. To know that when my legs can’t keep running and I can’t catch my breath and I just want to quit, there is someone there—right beside me—who want let me quit. They may let me slow the pace or let me grab an inhaler, but they won’t let me quit what I started.
I’d love to feel that hand in my back pushing me. Not that I’m lazy, I just get distracted and lose focus so easily. The race seems daunting and all the other runners are SO MUCH better than me. Why do I even bother? I’m terrible. I get discouraged and can’t see how finishing the race would benefit anyone. So I need a “Julie” or two to help me stay the course and finish what I started.

Who needs a "Julie"?

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

Twilight: Let me explain myself

So before you go and jump to wild conclusions about me due to my fondness of the Twilight Saga, let me first explain why I am so fond of it.  While the books themselves will not stack up against the classics, they are a decent read.  The author makes it easy to imagine the characters and does a great job of bringing them to life.  The hook:  she also captures what any girl would want to capture if she were to write a story about the most interesting love story, with the most out of the ordinary characters.   She allows the reader to use their imagination and stretches that imagination in so many ways!

Edward Cullen isn’t quite Mr. Darcy, but there are similarities.

He’s not mysteriously enchanting like Gatsby, but Bella could be compared in some ways to Gatsby's Daisy.

He lacks the boyish desperation of Romeo.  I guess a 100+ years of life helps one mature a bit.

And  he pales in comparison to the southern charms of the dashing Rhett Butler.  Imagine a vampire raised in the high society such as that of the Butlers of Charleston, SC.

However, Edward Cullen offers something distinct that these fine gentlemen do not.  He is a vampire and his not your average, run-of-the-mill vampire.  He can read minds, he sparkles in the sunlight, he’s there when you need him, he knows exactly what to say, and he practices a great deal of self-control.  And… he’s a vegetarian.  This sparkling vampire does not kill humans.  


Take all your favorite leading men and roll them into one and I think you'll come pretty close to Edward Cullen.

Doesn’t do much for you?  Well, that’s okay—he’s not for everyone.

The Twilight Saga, when I read it, gave this “Thirty-something” a chance to feel young again!  It took me back to some of those “Cinderella” happenings and those “Romeo & Juliet” moments of my youth.  Reading the story of Bella and Edward (and even Jacob) brought back so many breathtaking and unpleasant memories of my adolescence.    Surely you remember?  So no, none of us literally fell in love with vampires (or werewolves), but you must remember your first love. 

You must remember the butterflies in your stomach.  The lump in your throat when you’d try to have a conversation but the right words never came out and you just sounded so stupid every time you spoke.  Or the moment you realized your guy friend could be more than a friend? Or how you’d bite your lip when you got nervous because, much like pinching yourself, you wanted to be sure you were alive and really experiencing every single second of what was happening and you promised yourself you’d never forget it.  Oh come on, you have to remember!    And let’s not forget the feeling when your love left you.  How you literally struggled for breath when Mr. Right walked away, leaving you standing in the school hallway fighting back tears AND everyone knew what happened???  Ugh.

It seems that the Twilight Saga could be a modern day Romeo & Juliet.  No, it doesn’t stand next to it and there is no literary comparison—but that’s not the point.  It’s still a heart wrenching love story and face it: chicks dig it.  We love a great love story.  Period.

Girls want to be pursued, to be wanted, desired; we love to know that we are everything—your life, your breath.   We even enjoy a little adventure and just enough danger to feel alive, all the while, knowing you will protect us.  We still want our Knight in Shining Armor full of honor and devotion. 

So I’m admitting that I cannot wait to see New Moon.   Think what you’d like of me, but sometimes I enjoy feeling like a 16 year old again- just for a moment- and take pleasure in a good little love story.   [Lovely background music comes to a screeching halt.] But be sure to know that I don’t care to go back to age 16.  Stupid boys breaking my fragile little heart, no Edward or Jacob to be found…

…I’m off to see New Moon.

hope is fading

Dear hope,

I am holding you in my hand, but I’m afraid I’m going to lose you. I’ve tried so hard to hang on to you, to believe even when the odds were stacked high against you! There was a time I believed you were invincible and unbreakable. Now you appear so fragile. It seems as if you could break at any moment, shatter into millions of little pieces. Oh if you were to break, I don’t know if I could put you back together again. Please don’t leave me, hope. Without you, I am nothing. I need you! You keep my eyes open, my heart open, my hands and feet moving—you are air and without you I will surely die. Hang on to me, hope. Hang on tight… please don’t let me go!  ~Melissa

hope: hoped, hop•ing, hopes
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: 2. To expect and desire.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.
Idiom:
hope against hope
To hope with little reason or justification.

Peter 1:6-8
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here… You love God even though you have never seen him; though not seeing him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with the inexpressible joy that comes from heaven itself. 1 Peter 1:6, 8 [TLB]
6-7I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
8-9You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation. [The Message]

A Kiss Makes Everything All Better

I recently spent some time with a dear friend and her daughter. It is always enlightening to watch other parents interact with their children. I really learn a lot just by watching and listening.

On this particular evening, it was late and my little friend was being a normal two-year old. She was off in her own little world playing in her own adventure, paying little attention to her mother and me. Of course, she’d come over intermittently to ask a question or give an update, but for the most part, she was in her own little world. Thankfully, we practically had the little café all to ourselves, which is nice when you’re balancing coffee time and mommy time.

Inevitably, as it happens when a child grows weary and no longer wishes to do as you ask them to do, my little friend started “arguing” in two year old fashion with her mother. I watched as my mommy friend practiced lovely patience and kindness. I watched as my two-year old friend practiced independence and defiance. My mommy friend tried, but to no avail, her little girl was just not listening. So, a firm swat to the rear end was handed down from mommy to daughter.

Heartbroken, my little friend faked a pitiful cry. She looked up at her mommy, eyes wide with the sweetest countenance on her face.

“Kiss it,” she said.

“I don’t kiss spankings,” said my mommy friend.

I could see the wheels of thought turning in her head.

“Can you kiss I’m sorry’s?” asked my little friend.

My mommy friend looked over to me, hiding a huge smile from her precious daughter. Of course, my littlest friend received a kiss on the head and a hug and with that-- she was off to continue playing. Our evening was over shortly after that, as our coffee time and mommy time would have ended badly had we tried to make my little friend stay out much later.

Ever since then, I’ve been thinking about the question.

“Can you kiss I’m sorry’s?”

I don’t know. Can you?

Thank You, Daddy

Veteran’s Day 2009

Dear Daddy,

I’m guessing today may be a difficult day for you.  Your mind is probably flooded with memories—faces, names, places—people that I’ll never meet, names I’ll never know and places I’ll never see…

Standing in the darkness of evening, I approached The Three Soldiers.  Naturally, my eyes fell on the wall. The sight their eyes are forever fixed upon.  My heart sank and I was overwhelmed with deep sadness.  It was quiet and calm there—somber.  I sat down for a moment, crying and trying to catch my breath.  It was as if I was overcome by memories that were not my own. 

Eventually, I made my way towards the wall.  It was beautiful, but I felt horrible thinking that.  How could a memorial with names of thousands of dead soldiers be beautiful?  I imagined these soldiers all around me and the spirits of the memories.  So many lives represented there- directly and indirectly.  I wondered what names you would recognize and how many you knew.  How that must pain your heart to remember.  I hesitated to touch the wall, but I reached out for one brush against the cool, black granite.  In that moment, I felt connected to you in a way I had never felt before.  I leaned in close to the wall and breathed an almost inaudible whisper into the ears of the soldiers, “you have not been forgotten- thank you.” 

Daddy, you served your country well and I'll be forever proud.  You did what your country asked of you and there is great honor in that.   I don’t know how you feel or what you think, I simply have a vivid imagination.  But I know there is great sadness in your eyes when you talk about Vietnam.  I don’t know much about your experience there.  You’ve told me to ask, but I hesitate for I don’t want to unhinge memories that are better left quiet and still. 

I remember wanting so desperately to enlist in the Army or even the Marines—anything to make you proud and follow in your footsteps of service to our country.  But you sternly refused and gently encouraged me in other directions.  I remember you telling me through laughter, “you’ll mouth off to the wrong person and get in a lot of trouble!”  (The same reasons you encouraged me NOT to pursue a career as a server at a restaurant.  You had visions of me pouring drinks in laps of incredibly rude customers!)  You were definitely right.  I didn’t have it in me to be a soldier—or a waitress.

Daddy, I love you and I’m proud of you.   When you think that no one remembers, know that I do.  And while my memories are very different from yours, I’m so grateful that you and so many men and women have sacrificed much for my freedom.  

I Love You,

Melissa Gail

In the Eye of the Beholder

I have a vile repulsion to the act of staring. Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that staring is on the top of my "Do Not Like" list.  I have never had an ounce of patience for staring!  Maybe its because I heard my mom tell me over and over "Don't stare, dear".   Watching my children, I know they are almost mesmerized by some people.  Whether we're in line at the grocery store or seated at a restaurant table, the little eyes always seem to wander.  You know, they find the lady with purple hair or the man dressed like a lady... or the tattoos or piercings.  Kid's stare.  Adults stare-- this is what I have no patience for.

Sometimes she just stares at me. She watches me doing the most mundane to the magnificent.  I mean, she stares without blinking sometimes!  When I do the mundane chores like dishes or folding laundry... okay, well, she spends less time staring in those moments and more time getting into whatever it is I don't want her to get into.  Then, when I attempt the magnificent chores like putting on make-up or brushing my hair. You know, I take the scary and make it a little more presentable.  She is fascinated with these chores!

I remember the very first time I caught her staring. It's amazing really, as she was only a few hours old. There she lay, in the hospital bassinet...  My eyes were closed and I was trying to sleep in the semi-quiet hospital room so tired from the events that took place just hours before. With my eyes closed and sleep so close I could taste it... I sensed she was looking at me. I opened my eyes to find her little blue eyes fixed right on me. Our eyes locked. My baby girl was staring right at me! It was a moment I'll never forget.  It was startling, actually.  I just laid there, afraid to move.  And she just stared.  Naturally, I had to pick her up and hold her.  Her eyes drew me in like I was under a spell. I just had to hold her!

I felt it again yesterday. I could sense her eyes on me. When I turned around, there those baby blues were just looking at me so intently. It's  less like a staring and more like watching.  A smile crept across her face and then a little giggle came out! I smiled to as we shared our moment.

It's a feeling like nothing else. There aren't words to describe what it does to me when our eyes meet like that. And no, I don't get angry. It's quite the opposite, really. I'm overwhelmed and almost forget to breathe when our eyes lock.  There is a mixture of emotions.  I feel the pressure, slightly panicked.  I mean, what if I mess up while she's watching?

Mostly, I wonder what she's thinking. And what does she think of me? Thankfully, she's unaware of the internal list of "dislikes" I see when I look at myself. She doesn't know that my hair is in need of a trim and I need to decide which color it is going to be. She can't see that my eyebrows are uneven because I decided to wax them myself or that I hide behind poorly blended make-up. She can't see that I'm 50 pounds over weight or that my teeth are crooked or that I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. Thankfully, she can't see these things.

Looking in her eyes, in that moment, I feel beautiful and strong.  In her eyes, I see happiness, love, and kindness.  When we share these moments, I am comfortable in my skin and confident in my role as "momma".   It's almost as if her faith and love literally gives me a sense of real confidence, void of insecurities-- pure and lovely.

Oh my darling little girl, in these moments... It is important that you know how much you are loved. You are lacking nothing.  Your hair, your nose, your legs, feet, hands, arms... ALL of you is perfect just the way you are and always will be. I'm proud of who you are and I don't want you to change one single thing.

I pray I can be the mother and friend that you need in your life.  I pray I can show you beauty and grace;  Love and kindness.  I pray that I can show you quiet confidence and just how valuable you are.  I pray that God completes the sentences that I am unable to complete. 

Abigail, may your love change the world. May you laugh endlessly! When the tears fall, and I know they will, I pray those tears journey to your heart, as if watering a blooming flower, giving your beautiful heart strength as it grows in love. Oh my darling daughter, when your reflection you see, I pray you will smile and know that you are wonderfully made-- crafted by an amazing God. Be fearless, my daughter, humble, patient, kind, gentle, loving... and never be afraid to be the girl God created you to be.

Blue Eyed Boy

Oh my darling Sam with the sweet, sweet smile! (You know I couldn’t share about Jamie without sharing about Sam. Naturally, Abby notes will follow.) When I look at Sam, I see pieces of me. He is quiet and reflective—always thinking. He takes everything in and just mulls it over. He is shy, but not painfully -as I was at his age. He cries when he’s upset, just like me. He laughs, but you really have to work for his laughter some times. He is sensitive and his feeling get hurt easily, just like me. Oh, yes, I’m very sensitive and get hurt easily—I’ve learned ways to hide that, but I guess I just gave a secret away. (Nah, not really. If you know me, you know how false that statement was. I don’t hide my feelings well!) He writes songs and plays the guitar. He keeps a journal sometimes and can be very private. I DO know where he gets that from.


Sam is always striving to prove himself especially when it comes to his little brother. If we show too much attention to Jamie, Sam pipes up from the back making sure we know that he can run faster, read more difficult books, ride his bike better, do tricks on his skateboard, and spell words that Jamie could never dream of spelling. My darling Sam is very competitive. I don’t know where he gets that from. *wink*wink*

What I’ve learned from Sam is that I need to encourage him that he doesn’t have to prove himself to me, he doesn’t have to earn my love. I love him just because. Just because he’s my son--he’s Sam. That’s reason enough for me! When he hugs me, he lays his head on my shoulder and wraps both arms around my neck. He twists my hair between his fingers and he often gives me a secretive angel kiss so tender and sweet. Many times, I can feel him exhale and relax—and he even smiles with eyes closed. I feel so important in those moments. As I bury my face in his hair (which is kind of moppy right now), I inhale. Why? Because he’s my boy. I love the smell of his hair and love the way it feels when I tussle it in my hand.

I’m terrified of losing those moments. I dread the day that he no longer wants hugs and kisses from mom or he no longer wants to just sit with me and chat. I dread the day when he may hate me because I’m “not cool” or I’m so “lame and out of it”. What if he decides he doesn’t like God or our family or anything that I love simply because I love it? I get so scared sometimes that I’ll lose him forever. I often make him promise that he’ll still hug me and tell me he loves me even when he’s an old married man. (Of course, 30 is just ancient in his book!)

I want for Sam (and my other two) a life full of adventure. I want him to be courageous and bold. I want him to live his dreams and never be afraid to chase those dreams. Oh how I want him to be confident of who he is and who he was created to be. I lived so much of my life afraid to be me and afraid of my own shadow at times. I don’t want that for him!

Sam is always so forgiving. Being the oldest, he’s seen many of my mistakes in the motherhood experience. After all, we were both newbie’s when we met. But he shows me mercy and grace and loves with a big heart… I want to be like him.

Second Chances

Jamie is a funny little boy! He is like sunbeams dancing on the water. He is laughter and joy. He is love and mercy. My son, Jamie, is literally my sunshine. He is a gift from God to remind me to smile and laugh and enjoy every ounce of the day fully. Jamie scoops up every hour of the day he can. He soaks in the sunshine and it radiates from him. His smile rips holes in the clouds and makes the sunshine pour out over me! The laughter, his sweet, sweet laughter wipes all the sadness away.

I had the privilege to pray with my son this morning. With tears welling up in my eyes, I listened as he prayed that God would heal is brother so they could play outside together. How preciously simple yet words my Father listens to. The faith of a child. The pure innocence of his heart and mind.

When I asked him to tell me something he knew about God, he told me that God heals people. One of those annoying little frogs jumped into my throat and I had to quickly compose myself. “Yes, dear, sometime He does heal people.” I didn’t have it in me to tell him what I was thinking. He doesn’t always heal people. Like clockwork, my mind was flooded with memories of my grandfather, Sam. I saw him as if he were in photographs, videos, moments captured in my mind. I was painfully reminded of a time when God didn’t heal the way I thought He would. As Jamie and I prayed together, I held his hand and kissed him gently. He climbed out of the car and off into the school he went. So precious and innocent. I breathed a prayer that God would keep him safe in His hands today.  I prayed that Jamie (and my other two) would come to understand God better than I.

I kept the tears back almost as if I swallowed them in one huge and slightly painful frog-filled gulp. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. It’s just easier not to cry. I still feel the pain, but I can keep it to myself.  As I contemplated all that Jamie had said and all that I had felt in that moment with him, I was at peace.  I looked at healing in a different light.  

You are probably annoyed with hearing about needtobreathe, but I tell you the truth: their song came on as I was quiet before God this morning. “Second Chances” was playing softly… a divine appointment if you will.

All my past is color
Placed inside my hands
Empty is the canvas
Patiently I plan
Stars are bright above me
That’s not where I am
Greens will be behind me
Blues will make the man

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
Greys are all around me
Fading into black
Stars were bright above me
Won’t you bring them back

I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
If time can break us, will it make us strong
Cause seldom second chances come along

No, God doesn’t heal all those who are sick. Not the way we think He should anyway. But God does heal. Gently and calmly, He heals. More than physically healing someone who is ill or a disease or other affliction, God heals the broken hearts. God heals the wounds- the self inflicted wounds, the self defensive wounds. God heals the brokenness, the sadness, the disappointment. The most beautiful thing to me is that in the healing is that God gives us a second chance. When we mess things up, when our pride and selfishness get in the way- God can remove all that. He lets us start over. He gives us a blank canvas.  And when He heals our hurt or disappointment,  He leads us towards forgiving and forgetting.  Again, a blank canvas-- a new start.


I don’t understand God. I don’t get the whole God thing some days. Sometimes, I wonder if He’s really there. But then I have these moments of certainty and clarity. Moments where I feel like I’ve experienced something Divine. I literally feel warmth stir within me and know that He is with me, even when I’m alone. Lately, it has been difficult for me to pray and my faith is rather microscopic, as if it were a fledgling faith. Yet I still hear Him. He speaks to me through my children and my husband. He speaks to me through songs and through friends. He is changing me-- slowly and sometimes painfully, but I am growing.

There are days when my existence feels meaningless and my failures overwhelming.  My internal list of “successes” and “failures” isn’t looking to good. Final Score: Successes’ 4 Failures 294  No, I won’t ever get everything just right. I’m human and nothing remotely close to perfect. I will fail a lot more, but I will succeed a lot more, too. I believe that failures produce strength- somehow.  

I carry both the self inflicted and defensive wounds.  But I'm confident that the wounds will heal.  And as a wound heals, there will be a scar--a faint reminder of what used to be. But with healing comes a second chance.

My blank canvas is waiting...

Looking for the Rainbow

There is a song I remember from my childhood. Okay, there are several songs, but this one in particular always comes to mind on rainy days. No, it’s not “Tomorrow” belted out at the top of lungs in the stairwell with fantastic reverb—it’s a little ditty that goes something like this: “When it rains, look for the rainbow…” so I don’t remember all the words and had to look them up.

When It Rains Look for the Rainbow
You can watch clouds go by and be glad
When it Rains Look for the Rainbow
It will show up so, no need to be sad, feel bad

© 1982 Sparrow Song/Cherry River Music Co

That got me thinking about rain and sunshine and more rainbows. Turns out, there are several songs out there about rainbows.

Rainbow by Jack Johnson
I woke up this morning A rainbow filled the sky Yes I woke up this morning A rainbow filled the sky Well that was God telling me Everything is gonna be alright


Rainbow as sung by Colbie Caillet
I'm still feelin the rain fall And bouncin off my skin How long do I have to wait for The sun to shine again Come on paint me the rainbows I can follow it I don't know where it'll take me But I like wonderin
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me. Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, Why then - oh, why can't I? If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can't I?

And let us not forget the famous and handsome, Kermit the Frog singing

Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it. I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me. Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of that and someone believed it. Look what it's done so far. What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing and what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.

When it rains, I do look for the rainbow-- literally and figuratively. There just is no other choice. Sometimes I spend so much energy and time looking down and trying to avoid the puddles from the rain. But what if I looked up? What if I allowed myself to step in the puddles? Sometimes you just cannot avoid them and your shoes get soaked and your pant legs get wet. You’ll be uncomfortable for a little while but you'll dry out, eventually. But rainbows are so unique and rare—if I’m looking down, I might miss one! I might miss something beautiful. The rainbow is my promise that even on the darkest day, there is beauty to be seen.
“Even when the rain falls and the floods start rising.”
Even when my shoes get all slushy and my pants are soaked.
Even when I forget the blasted umbrella and I’m completely soaked to the core.
Even then, there is something beautiful coming, something beautiful to see.

So I hold on to the hope planted in my heart. I tightly grip the promises I’ve been given and I don’t let go. I can’t let go. I can’t keep looking down. (Yeah, I might run into something, but I do that anyway- I’m clumsy like that.) I just don’t want to miss the chance to see my rainbow! These rainy, cloudy days get me down. But the promise of rainbows is life changing.

When it rains, look for rainbows, my friend, and don't give up, even when the rain falls.



www.needtobreathe.net

Garden

I run through the darkness to the garden. I must find him.

Ahead in the distance, I hear someone weeping. Cautiously, I approach. I can see him through the shadows of the night. He lay on the ground, sobbing. I’m afraid to go any closer. My stomach turns and I can’t stand to look. His pain is palpable. His body is overcome by uncontrollable trembling. I watch. I listen. Covering my ears only muffles the resonance of his cries. The sorrow is excruciating.

He is speaking now and I recognize that it must be with the Father. He pleads. For a moment, I think he is unsure. “Father, take this cup from me,” I hear him plead. With calm finality, his head bows, I sense that his choice is made. Quietly he stands to his feet. He turns and looks my way and I see in his eyes that he has determined to do this. He will do this for me.

I run to him and fall at his feet—begging him, pleading with him as I grab a hold of him.

“Please no, don’t go! I cannot let you go- I will not let you do this for me. You cannot go!” His look is solemn and decided.   “Please don’t go!” I plead again.

My grip loosens and he takes a step back. I stand and we are face to face. But I cannot look in his eyes. As he stands before me, he places his hands on my arms. Through my tears, I try to look into his eyes. I see pain, I see fear, I see hurt…“Melissa, my love will give you life and freedom,” he says. “You would not fully understand it all if I do not go.”

He leans forward and tenderly kisses my forehead. I fall to my knees overcome with sorrow. As he turns to walk away, he glances back over his shoulder; I see tears in his eyes.

“Because I love you,” he said.

Oh how I want to learn about pure, unconditional sacrifice. How I want to be like Jesus… He knew Judas would betray him, he knew Peter would deny him, not once but three times. He knew people hated him simply because he was not what they wanted him to be. Yet he still made the decision to give his life so that we may live. Why? Because he loved them.

Dear God, I’m sorry I’m so afraid. If today or tomorrow means my death, please let this suffering not be in vain. I’m so sorry that I’ve let fear steal from me. Teach me to be like Jesus. Teach me how to sing songs from my heart that will bring joy to you. Teach me your favorite song, plant it in my heart—Father let my heart be after you. Only you.


Copyright © 2009 Melissa Meador Wilson





Garden by needtobreathe

Won't you take this cup from me?
because fear has stolen all my sleep.

If tomorrow means my death
pray you'll save their souls with it.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

In this hour of doubt I see
who I am is not just me
so give me strength to die myself
so love can live to tell the tale.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

Father let my heart be for you
For you
For you
For you

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you.

Seriously?

Last night, I caught a glimpse of this video. The video shows students on a bus. Average, we can all relate to riding the bus. When a male student sits down in what appears to be the only empty seat, the student he sits with apparently doesn't want him sitting there. A few seconds go by and then all of the sudden, there's an angry student punching the other kid. Punching and punching and punching... the kid getting punched doesn't appear to even try to defend himself. Once that attack ends, another student comes along and starts punching this kid-AGAIN. So this young man is attacked not once but twice.

All the while, on a bus full of students, they just sit and watch. A couple "good intentioned" students attempt (barely) to restrain the boys doing the punching. But most of the students watch- laughing, or scared- their faces show different things. Finally, a young man rises from the back and steps to the defense of the young man being punched.

While the video really left me unsettled, it resonated in me. I guess there have been times in my life where I can really relate to the guy getting punched.

Minding his own business, the guy next to him punches him. REPEATEDLY.
NO ONE HELPS!
Instead, the crowd cheers, laughs, gasps in awe... NO ONE HELPS!
Then, when hitter #1 is done pounding on the kid... enter hitter #2.
NO ON HELPS!
Oh wait, here comes a guys and seems to "care".
Finally, someone gets these guys to stop punching.

WOWSER! I have felt like punches have flown out of no where and landed square on my jaw. I've felt they come unprovoked and randomly. And they come, one after the other- I'm defenseless. The punches keep coming and the crowd on the bus does nothing. Oh but wait, they send along another angry hitter to throw a few more blows. Heartbreaking!

I feel for this kid. I feel for all those kids on that bus, in fact.

1.) No one deserves to be attacked.
2.) No one has the right to attack.
3.) Why didn't more students step up when they knew what was going on was wrong?
4.) Did they even recognize this as wrong?

In life, this happens all the time. You may not be physically punching someone, but your words hit hard and your actions leave a mark. You may not be doing the hitting, but are you watching? Are you allowing the hitting to continue? And is it really okay to just watch- even if you justify it as "I don't want to get involved"?

My heart goes out to the boy. I'm guessing he's not "Mr. Popular". But that's not the point. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT.

NO ONE. Period.

I hear the boys got suspended. I'm thinking they many need a little more punishment than that.

I know that in this life, I am not defenseless. It feels like it some days, but I'm not alone. When the punches fly with ferocity and fists pound on my cheeks and blows take my breath away and knock me down, I figure there's a way to land on my feet again.

It just takes time.


Zephaniah 3:16-18 God Is Present Among You

"Don't be afraid.
Dear Melissa, The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
God's Promise."

Just one of THOSE days

Jamie landed in an red ant nest and picked up 23 red ant bites... Sam had the insane assignment to create 13 impossible tongue twisters using words like wasn't and aren't... Precious Abby, who was in bed, but awoke with a serious case of hiccups, found a pencil and stabbed herself in the leg... oh and and Jeff is at a one of "those" church board meetings...

I'm in one of those places where I think my head could quite possibly explode. Trying to trust the plan, trying to trust there is a plan, and trying not to shut my eyes for fear that I'll miss the plan. Does that make sense?

I just found out last week that my boss of 4 years is leaving. While I'm happy for him as he moves on to his greener pastures, my pasture looks pretty brown if you know what I mean. I know I shouldn't worry, but hey, I'm only human.

Jeff's job... well, I won't go into that here. I'm still trying to understand and trust the Master's plan.

I'm typing here in the living room watching my precous baby play with a baby doll and soccer ball. She's beautiful, she's happy- even though she has a small red spot where she recently stabbed herself with that pencil- she's happy.

I want her happiness. I want her obliviousness. (If that's a word?) I want to find pleasure in the simplest of things. I want to smile and really be happy despite the hiccups and the wound.

Thank You for the moments where I am happy. Thank You for the little things that do bring me joy. While the big bad things in life will always exist and while troubles will come and go, thank You for the pure joy that does exist in my life.

While Jamie sat with frozen peas on his ant bites, I apologized to my big blue eyed boy because in my weakness, I yelled at him for getting into the ants. Sam and I create absurd tongue twisters like "Aren't you going to the mart to buy tart art?" and "Fuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he?" Abby did sleep briefly and all was peaceful momentarily. Thank You for the peace in the raging storm.

I think there is some neapolitan ice cream calling my name in the freezer. Maybe I'll go see what it wants... Don't judge me, just whisper a little prayer for sanity... and that all will soon be quiet on the Wilson front.

Published... well kinda sorta

I wrote this back in July following a difficult life experience. I submitted it last month to an online magazine and they posted it. Thought I'd share it if you'd like to read it:

Curled Up With Jesus

I spent the day curled up in the lap of Jesus. As I listened to the steady cadence of his heartbeat, and the soothing rhythm of his chest rising and falling with each breath he took- I found the comfort I was desperate for. I’ve never been so close to him before and for that I am very ashamed. Of course, the reason that led me to the lap of Jesus leaves me ashamed as well. I ran there. I ran away from a problem that was so huge, there was nowhere else to go and I found myself wishing that I’d run there every day in either my happiness or my sadness.

I’m sitting at the feet of Jesus now. I’m listening to him speak—I seem so small here, yet significant. His left hand rests lightly on my head and I can feel his electricity full of love and compassion. He’s smiling at me, tears in his eyes. I am mesmerized by his face. The sound of his voice is as calming as the aroma cookies baking in the oven. The sound of his voice drifts in and out of my head, steadying my heart. His tears sparkle in the corner of his eyes and occasionally one runs down his cheek. He is happy that I’m here. He’s been waiting a long time for me.

I sense that there is so much he wants to say to me. His words, however, are not rushed and they are gentle. He stops speaking audibly and there is a beautiful silence that I recognize from my youth. When I close my eyes, I am standing outside in the woods behind my childhood home and there isn’t a soul around. The wind is gliding through the leaves, rustling them slightly. The sun has peaked through the tallest trees, hitting every other leaf on its way down to me. I’m overwhelmed as it seems as if the trees and rocks and the wind, the stream even… they all speak in their own way. I breathe deeply, inhaling the life that surrounds. Aware of my dream, I open my eyes again and I look at him curiously. I know what he’s saying, yet his mouth isn’t moving and no sound is coming from him. As I look into his eyes, I know what he wants me to know. Pleasant and frightening at the same time. He has always been with me, he has always spoken to me—somehow I lost my way.

We’re audibly talking again. As he speaks, he moves his hands. I talk with my hands, too, but this is different. My eyes fall on the wounds—I can see them and all of the sudden I am overcome with guilt and shame as I’m fully aware that those are my wounds. What have I done? Why am I here? I don’t deserve to be this close. The pain that led me here pales horribly in comparison to his pain. I begin to weep. Sobbing. Deep, guttural sounds that frighten me even though I know they are coming from within me. I am so unworthy.

But something really beautiful is happening now. He’s picking me up. He lifts me to his chest like a father lifts his injured child. Yet he does it with such ease and strength. His left arm is behind my back and his right arm under my legs as my limbs fall heavily over his arm. My head falls against his chest and I’m still sobbing. I can’t hold my head up. He cradles me and I feel like a small child. The electricity is palpable and then I hear it…

He begins to sing to me. It’s the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I am completely broken in the arms of Jesus and he’s singing over me. His warm tears have rolled from his beautiful face, landed on my face, and mingled with my tears. They fall one by one. With each note he sings and with each tear that falls, peace slowly begins to surround my brokenness. There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. I’m safe here. I’m loved here. I’m forgiven here. I don’t want to leave.

Copyright ©  2009 Melissa Meador Wilson

When you listen to what they are saying...

I "heard" this song months ago. I thought it was catchy and I liked it as I've liked most Needtobreathe stuff. Then I really listened to it. It has taken on a new meaning in my life... words cannot even express how this song speaks to me. There is nothing I can say. Here I am again, God. Alone with you... the only place I know to go.

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Chorus
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water


Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me


Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water