I Guess I Thought You'd Say Something

Get away from me
This isn't gonna be easy
But I don't need you
Believe me
You got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me
And I don't need anyone
And these days I feel like I'm fading away
Like sometimes when I hear myself on the radio
Have you seen me lately? Have you seen me lately? I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America, it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember about me
And have you seen me lately? I remember me
And all the little things that make up a memory
Like she said she loved to watch me sleep
Like she said: "It's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."
Have you seen me lately?
I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember about me
And have you seen me lately?
I guess I thought that someone would notice
I guess I thought somebody would say something If I was missing
Can't you see me?

Have You Seen Me Lately?
Counting Crows

You'd Shrug Your Shoulders Too

I remember the days of my adolescents when all I did was fight.   Fight over anything and everything.  And what a battle that was!

“Melissa Gail, you are not going out of this house dressed like that!”  Mom said. “Oh yeah?  Watch me.”

“You will not speak that way to your mom, young lady.”  Dad said. “I’ll speak any way I want.”

“You’re driving too fast.  Slow down!”  Mom said. “You think I drive too fast?  I learned it from you.”

“Don’t roll your eyes at me.”  Dad said.  “Okay,” accompanied by a double eye roll.

So I wasn’t a hellion of a child and I didn’t rebel too terribly bad, but boy did I fight.  Anything that seemed to be unjust, unequal, unfair—I’d fight it.  Sometimes, I’d fight just to fight, whether I really believed in it or not.

As the years progressed, flying by fast and furiously, I have changed a little bit.  I still possess the desire to fight for things I perceive to be unjust, unequal, or unfair.   The most noticeable differences are in that I pick my battles more cautiously and I consider my words and actions a wee bit longer than I used to.  Sure there are times I miscalculate or don’t think things through or practice little caution- but there are times when I really do SHUT UP and listen.

Knowing when to SHUT UP and knowing when to SPEAK UP can be very difficult. 

Oh the internal struggle between feeling that fight rising within you-- brewing a raging storm that could unleash a monstrosity of fury—and attempting to hold it back.   On the flip side, there are moments of peaceful ease of “this really isn’t worth it”. 

Sometimes Jesus flat out puts a muzzle on me.  And I’m learning to be okay with that—he can do that, he’s in charge.  He checks my emotions and agenda.  If I’m full of pride and selfishness, enter the muzzle. But then there are times I really feel He is telling me to speak--those times when I sense pure love, devoid of pride, selfishness, or agenda.  Times when he gently gives me the words to speak.

The ability to know when to SHUT UP or when to SPEAK UP is important.  Checking our motives, our heart, we can then proceed.  If I speak without love, I’m really going to screw things up!

The bottom line is that there is a battle raging all around.   Lately, I get so turned around and discombobulated.  I can’t tell when I’m supposed to fight and when I’m supposed to sit. 

First things first: talk to Jesus. 

“What do I do?”  I ask.

Sometimes, he replies.  Sometimes he shrugs his shoulders.  Not a “I dunno” shrug, but more like a “what do you think you should do?” shrug. 

Crazy, huh? 

I’ve been reading from 2 Chronicles 20:1-30.  It’s pretty cool… 

“Shaken, Jehoshaphat prayed”  (Poor guy.  His mom named him Jehoshaphat.)  Okay, back to the point. 

“Shaken, Jehoshaphat prayed”  In fact, all the people prayed.  All the people of Judah were there “attentive to God”.  WOW!

Okay, now I need to listen;  What does Jesus thinks?  Sometimes, his instructions are so clear!  (Other times, not so much.)

“Jahaziel was moved by the Spirit of God to speak from the midst of the congregation… He said, "Attention everyone—all of you from out of town, all you from Jerusalem, and you King Jehoshaphat—God's word: Don't be afraid; don't pay any mind to this vandal horde. This is God's war, not yours. Tomorrow you'll go after them; see, they're already on their way up the slopes of Ziz; you'll meet them at the end of the ravine near the wilderness of Jeruel. You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm, Judah and Jerusalem, and watch God's saving work for you take shape. Don't be afraid, don't waver. March out boldly tomorrow—God is with you."

Now, when I’m really on my A game, I’m oozing with “thank you, thank you, thank you! Man, I love you!”  After all, this IS Jesus we’re talking to.  He’s God.  He doesn’t need me, he’s God.  But he loves talking to me AND he wants me to be a part of the story.

Crazy, huh?

“Then Jehoshaphat knelt down, bowing with his face to the ground. All Judah and Jerusalem did the same, worshiping God. The Levites (both Kohathites and Korahites) stood to their feet to praise God, the God of Israel; they praised at the top of their lungs!”

I mean, these guys are going into battle and they are praising God at the top of their lungs!  They are singing- worshiping, the whole nine yards.   I get ready for “battle” and singing isn’t at the top of my list. 

“They were up early in the morning, ready to march into the wilderness of Tekoa. As they were leaving, Jehoshaphat stood up and said, "Listen Judah and Jerusalem! Listen to what I have to say! Believe firmly in God, your God, and your lives will be firm! Believe in your prophets and you'll come out on top!"

 ²¹ After talking it over with the people, Jehoshaphat appointed a choir for God; dressed in holy robes, they were to march ahead of the troops, singing,
    Give thanks to God, His love never quits.”

This is where it gets a bit awkward, but stick with it.

As soon as they started shouting and praising, God set ambushes against the men of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir as they were attacking Judah, and they all ended up dead. The Ammonites and Moabites mistakenly attacked those from Mount Seir and massacred them. Then, further confused, they went at each other, and all ended up killed.

 ²⁴ As Judah came up over the rise, looking into the wilderness for the horde of barbarians, they looked on a killing field of dead bodies—not a living soul among them.

 ^25-26 When Jehoshaphat and his people came to carry off the plunder they found more loot than they could carry off—equipment, clothing, valuables. It took three days to cart it away! On the fourth day they came together at the Valley of Blessing (Beracah) and blessed God (that's how it got the name, Valley of Blessing).

 ^27-28 Jehoshaphat then led all the men of Judah and Jerusalem back to Jerusalem—an exuberant parade. God had given them joyful relief from their enemies! They entered Jerusalem and came to The Temple of God with all the instruments of the band playing.

 ^29-30 When the surrounding kingdoms got word that God had fought Israel's enemies, the fear of God descended on them. Jehoshaphat heard no more from them; as long as Jehoshaphat reigned, peace reigned.

Here is the almighty God waging a battle against those who are attacking Judah.  He tells them to be ready, but they won’t have to fight.  WOW!  And I really find it interesting that those that were attacking Judah were so confused, they started fighting with themselves.  

Now if you can get over the war and death and fast forward a smidgen, you will find yourself in the Valley of Blessings.

God took care of his people just like he said he would.  But first they sought him.  They invited him in and asked him to care for them.  They praised him!  They sang even as they prepared for battle.  And God, he stepped in and said “you won’t have to lift a hand. Don’t be afraid, don’t waver.  March out boldly.”

Sometimes, it just makes sense to stop and listen.  Sometimes there is a battle or a fight—but sometimes it may not be my battle to actually fight.  At least not like I think it is.

I mean, back in 2 Chronicles 7, God tells Solomon, “If I ever shut off the supply of rain from the skies or order the locusts to eat the crops or send a plague on my people, and my people, my God-defined people, respond by humbling themselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning their backs on their wicked lives, I'll be there ready for you: I'll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health.”’

Talk to God. Seek Him.  Thank Him.

Give up the pride, the selfishness, the motives.

The Valley of Blessings is on the other side… restoration, health, victory.  

But if we can’t keep our mouths shut and our hearts open, this may just be an impossible feat.  Well, impossible for us humans. I’m convinced that nothing is impossible for God. 

 

So fighting for what is just and fair isn’t a bad thing.  You’ve just got to be prepared for the battle.  Heart check.  Mind check.   SPEAKING UP isn’t a bad thing-  if everything is in check and according to The Plan.  SHUTTING UP isn’t a bad thing, either.  That may very well be The Plan, too.  

Just be sure that if it’s time to SPEAK UP, you don’t drone on so long that you can no longer hear the Father.  And make sure that if it’s a time to SHUT UP, you don’t sit quietly too long that you fall asleep.

So are you still wondering why Jesus would look at me and shrug his shoulders?  Oh if you could only hear some of our conversations… you'd shrug your shoulders too.


(disclaimer:  I am not theologian or a Bible scholar.  I am simply a person, reading the Bible and talking to Jesus.  I only write what I'm thinking.  Not factual- except for the excerpts from the B-I-B-L-E.  Otherwise, just me and my thoughts.  Take it or leave it.)

Haiti

We can all help!   

My family is giving $100.  What are you able to do?

Our challenge is a little less conversation and a LOT more action!!!!

http://www.redcross.org/

www.hopeinternational.org

http://www.hope-for-haiti.blogspot.com/

https://www.compassion.com/

http://www.ncm.org/news/press/catastrophic_earthquake_hits_haiti/

 You can text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10.00 to American Red Cross relief for Haiti right away. How easy is that?

There are countless ways to get involved. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Let's get moving!

Rain

Crying, broken, scared, hurting… the storm is all I know. It’s all I can see.

Carry me. Love me. Comfort me.

"Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them.  The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes,  and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."

3G Network

The commercials are insanely annoying and constant. Over and over again about the networks, the coverage, 3G, 4G, dropped calls, lost calls, “my map is bigger than your map”… annoying. (Of course, the amount of TV I watch is bothersome and killing what precious few brain cells I have left. UGH!)

 
While in the shower the other day- where I do all my best thinking- it occurred to me: I need my very own 3G network!

And there it was born... my very own 3G network. Obviously I’m behind the times, since we’re already to 4G networks, but whatever. (I’ll catch up eventually!)

So on January 1, 2010, I tapped into my own personal 3G network. It’s wicked awesome! The transfer and reception of data is amazing and there are no dropped calls. I may lose one every once in a while, but it will be found eventually. This network is flexible and resilient and has the capacity to move so much information it’s just insane! Not to mention, this network is reasonably priced. My 3G network is FREE.

This 3G network consists of the union of three amazing networks: Generosity, Gratitude and Grace. As individual networks, they work well. Even if you were to pair them and create a 2G network, any of the three paired up would work extremely well together. But when you put all three together? WATCH OUT!

• Generosity is robust and flavorful network of kindness, abundant and overflowing with kindness. No questions asked, this network gives and gives and gives some more!

• Gratitude offers thankfulness continuously, without interruption, despite the climate.

• Grace possesses an uncanny ability to politely endure the chaos, ensure comfort, and forgive all bad-tempered rudeness. Not to mention, the highest rated customer service in the world!
  

Okay, okay… so it isn’t a tangible network, but in my head, it exists. No, I’m not crazy! I just recognize that I need this 3G network to get me through 2010. One day at a time, each day as it comes, I need to be tuned in to Generosity, Gratitude, and Grace allowing their currents to run through me. I can see where I’ll have a much more successful life on this network. Period.

These 3G’s are mainly about others and I am convinced that using this network to love others will revolutionize the world! 

How could it not?

Seriously, if I am able to
• Showing ABUNDANT kindness to others— "be kind to one another"
• CONSISTENTLY and CONSTANTLY being thankful—thankful for the good, the bad, and the ugly
• Quietly ENDURE and find COMFORT amidst chaos makes me a gentler and more loving person. After all, they say that grace is getting what you absolutely don’t deserve. FORGIVENESS plays a major role in GRACE.

I want 2010 to be the best year EV-AH! I spent at least half of 2009 consumed with my own pain and heartache. In doing that, I was unavailable to others around me who needed me. Because I couldn’t see beyond myself, I missed out on life.

There is so much more to life and I’m on a mission!

I’m committed to:
• learn as much as can fit in my little brain
• do as much as possible for others
• love as big as big can be
• give and give and give and give some more

How's your network?

No Lines, No Waiting

I’m not a patient person- you know me, you know this.   Never have been and I’m not sure I ever will be.  I think I’ve learned how to practice patience, but it isn’t innate quality for me.  This must be why I get so frustrated standing in line behind one person that seems to ask all the wrong questions for the dumbfounded cashier who has no right answer.    Or why traffic lights disturb me so—I just want to get out and go, open road, wind in my hair…

John Mayer sings a song about waiting.  Waiting on the world to change to be exact.  I’ve listened to it many times, but never really delved into the lyrics more than “waiting, I keep waiting on the world to change”.  So I looked it up the other day.   These are some pretty good lyrics.   In fact, I can relate.  

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Oh yes, John, me and all my friends do seem to be extremely misunderstood.    There are many “Melissa Life Observers” who do not understand me and whom do not hold an ounce of confidence in me.  

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

No, I don’t believe that I see everything that’s going wrong, but I do see many instances where things do go wrong.    I definitely don’t feel that I have the means to rise above it, mainly because my voice is often taken away from me.    Actually, that isn’t entirely true.  My voice isn’t necessarily taken away, it’s just that my voice has no merit.  I’m not old enough to know anything and you compound that with the fact that my thoughts and ideas are very different from the norm (whatever the "norm" is?) …well, you get the picture.

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

I’ve been waiting a very long time and the distance is growing by miles daily.  

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want 

I’m not going to get political.  But if I had the power to change situations for people and make life better for someone, would I?  Or do I even really know the situation exist because of the information I receive or don't receive?   It is a pretty sad instance when folks take information and twist it to tell the story they want to tell.  Everyone does it.  We, like sheep, follow the loudest voice with the most elaborate tale.  A tale of woe, with the voice that paints the direst picture with titillating details that keep our mouths watering for more.  We bend the story for our own benefit, making the heroes and the villains whomever we with them to be.

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

So that’s why I keep waiting.   Waiting on the things to change, willing to fight for change, but the fights I find myself in are not fair.  And so I wait some more.

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change 

My generation will rule the population?  WHAT?  That’s scary.  Well, not really.  It's just that as the student, some of the teachers haven't given me all the information I need.   At times, the teachers teach more opinion and less fact thus leading me to one big pile of confusion!  Especially when I find the facts on my fact finding missions and the ole fact-o's don't seem to match the teacher's teachings.  

But you know what--  I don't want to wait anymore.  I've only got one life and I want to live it!  The longer I wait for the world to change, the more life I miss out on.  And to top it all off, I could wait a hundred years for the world to change and it never will.  Talk about time not so well wasted!

I can't change you anymore than you can change the earth from spinning.  You can't change me, but if either one of us want to see change in our world, we have to do something. We can't sit still!  Passing blame from one person to another is nothing but a vicious and annoying game of hot potato.  The blame may not belong with you, but when the music stops and that hot tater is in your hand- YOU LOSE, SUCKER!

So we make small steps towards change.  One step at a time, we try to do our part.

"I am only one, but still I am one.  I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."  

~Helen Keller 

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

Christmas Merry & New Year Happy

Each year, I attempt to write a Christmas letter.   This year, due to Facebook and the blogging I attempt, I can’t think of much friends wouldn’t already know.  Of course, the bigger difficulty is that I can’t seem to figure out how best to describe 2009.  Without a doubt, this year has been unique to say the least.  I suppose most of us can say that.  It has not been without adversity.  However, I have known love like never before as I’ve felt the love of God around me and the love of dear family and friends.    My heart is filled up to overflowing!



 Things I’ve learned in 2009:

• it’s okay to ask questions
• don’t focus on the circumstances, focus on how God is using the circumstances to teach you
• “Keep your mouth shut, Melissa”  (okay, Daddy, I will)
• find your happy place where you can sing at the top of your lungs and dance like a fool
•  whoever scripted the line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is a liar
•  love means sometimes you do have to say you’re sorry
• “It is true that relationships are a whole lot messier than rules, but rules will never give you answers to the deep questions of the heart and they will never love you” ~ Sarayu, The Shack
•  there is freedom in forgiveness
•  true friends drop everything and come running- even when you live 16+ hours away
• God provides for his children
• “The bond the links true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s lives.”
•  to have a friend, you really do have to be a friend
• sometimes you just need your Mama
• “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”~C.S. Lewis
•   if your hate is only skin deep, what does that say about your love?
•  wounds heal
• hold on to hope and never let it go 
• don't be held captive by anger and bitterness
• loving God isn’t about a set of rules
• "A faithful friend is the medicine of life." – Apocrypha
• some people are mean, love them anyway
• Staycations are best when they are shared with family on the water’s edge
• “Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”
• there is nothing quite like mini-van dance parties
• love until it hurts and then love some more
• Needtobreathe is one of the best bands ever 
• "His left arm is under my head, and His right arm embraces me." Song of Solomon 2:6 
• just because I read Twilight doesn’t make God love me any less
• one day at a time is all I can do
• To be loved by God, my husband, and my children is enough

  
Sometimes our hearts get tangled and our souls a little off-kilter
Friends and family can set us right and help guide us back to the light.
~Sera Christann


Our family and friends have had a major impact on our lives this year.  We could not have survived one day with each and every one of you.  Thank you for your faithful support, endless encouragement, unconditional love, and for just being you.  

I have personally learned some huge lessons this year.  Most have been about love, true and crazy love.  I’ve certainly learned that life is about family and friends- the fuel to living!  I am deeply indebted to my family and friends for their support throughout this year.  I’m thankful for the lessons learned about authentic relationships and unconditional love.  Walking with Jesus has been a real adventure these past 300+ days.  I trip and fall- he picks me up.  I try to carry too much, causing my knees buckle and me to crash to the ground under the heavy load, He’s digs me out from under the heap.  I cry and he’s there to cry along with me and somehow he always finds the words to say, the words I can’t seem to find.  Combine that with family and friends who do the same, my cup surely runneth over!

May the coming year be full of laughter, love, and life!
May you daily know peace and hope,
And may you find your happy place where you can dance like a fool and sing at the top of your lungs.

Live fully, friends, embracing each day as the gift that it truly is and seek truth wisely;
Love even when it hurts, never be afraid to say you’re sorry, and be kind to one another all the while, offering love, grace and mercy without reservation.

May God richly bless you and yours!

Merry Christmas

~Melissa, along with Jeff, Sam, Jamie and Abby

Every person has the power to make others happy.
Some do it simply by entering a room --
others by leaving the room.
Some individuals leave trails of gloom;
others, trails of joy.
Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;
others, trails of love and harmony.
Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism;
others trails of faith and optimism.
Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;
others trails of gratitude and hope.
What kind of trails do you leave?

~William Arthur Ward

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

Bring on the Beautiful

Chaos.

When I saw the look on Jamie's face, I knew it well.  "Just like his mother," said my husband.  The look of sheer confusion and frustration. When he started fidgeting with his arms and running his hand over his head, I knew the tears could fall at any moment-- he had had enough.

The game began at 8:30am on Saturday morning.  The boys were so excited for this their very first basketball game.  Uniforms- check.  Shoes- check.  Deodorant- check (thanks, mom.)  So they had not had enough sleep the night before the big game, that's was okay.  They were ready!

Whistle blows and they're off!

Running up and down the court, trying to dribble, not double dribble, but just dribble.  Trying hard not to travel and trying not to have every pass stolen... it was a difficult first game for the boys and their teammates.  Nearing the end of the 3 quarter, I saw the look on Jamie's face.  He was tired, but it was more than that.

Oh the chaos!  You see, he had two coaches in front of him coaching.  He had the well meaning referee behind him every step, gently instructed with that ear piercing whistle.  To the right, the loud fans from the other team.  To the left, the mom, dad and fans from his team.  From ever angle, there were voices loudly "speaking" to Jamie-- echoing throughout the gym. Even though he knew the coach's voice, he still had others shouting "Pass the ball!" and "Dribble!" and "Rebound!" and "GO!" and then the fans from the other team cheering for point after point.  Not to mention, the other team always in his face, right there every step on the court not wanting him to do what he wanted to do.  Do you know how overwhelming that is? 

I thought of this in my own life and began to twitch.  When the chaos sets in when you just get so frustrated at everyone telling you what to do.  Your body begins to crawl with frustration and you'd just as soon run out of the building then do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. Obviously, I don't play basketball, but I do know what it is like to have so many voices shouting out  to me.  I don't want to listen to all the voices who think they know what I should do, I want that one voice who knows what I need to do.  I want to hear my coach and noone else.  There is only room in my head for one voice and all the rest is a major distraction. Does life ever feel that way for you?  You just reach the point  where you want to scream "SHUT UP!" so you can just hear the one voice you have been training with all along.  You need to hear the coach, he's got the plan.

I'm sure with time and lot's more practice, Jamie will learn how to focus on his coach's voice.  With time, he will be able to drown out all the background noise so the coach is the only one he hears.  With time, the frustration, confusion and even anxiety will subside.  With time, he won't notice the voices of distraction.

I feel like Jamie did that Saturday morning.  I've tried so hard to focus, and hear the words of the Coach.  I just know he's there and he's giving me the game plan, but everyone is so loud.  I can't hear Him over the crowd!  I need more practice.  I need more time focusing on the voice of my Coach.  If I can't hear Him, there is no one I'm going to be able to succeed in this game.   

Stop. Focus.  Listen.  Deep breath.  I've been training for this! I can't let the impending chaos and the empty voices of distraction send me running for the door.

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

(Really?  I'll have to think about that quote.)

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

I'M JUST SAYING

Often times, I find that I am afraid to speak my mind.  Many people in my world speak their minds regularly with no regard to how those hearing will feel.  So I’m giving myself permission to say a few things I’ve wanted to say and choosing not to filter as heavily as I usually do.  



“What do you do when the infection hits you, when it takes over? Do you do what you're supposed to and take your medicine? Or do you learn to live with the thing and hope someday it goes away? Or do you just give up entirely and let it kill you?” 


Surely your answer would be “Take the medicine, of course.”    I mean, you can live with a hang nail or a bad haircut, because you know with a little time, it will resolve itself.  You can even live with a broken toe.  Odds are there would be no cast, just time to heal.   But what if it was your heart or your brain?  What if it was an infection in your leg or hand?  You’d want those things taken care of right away.  Your way of life would be dramatically changed without the use of either legs or even one hand.  And the worst diagnosis would be, if you don’t take the medicine and do what you’re supposed to do, you will die.

I think many times we try to find other cures—treatments the doctor didn’t mention.  Example:  Let's say the doctor tells you that you have diabetes.  Your reaction is to insist that it’s something else and you choose not to participate in the treatment.  What could happen?  Seriously?  The DOCTOR tells you what it is and gives you treatment options, yet you think you know better than he does?

Or let’s say the DOCTOR gives you this diagnosis and you turn around and blame the doctor for being a terrible doctor and allowing you to get diabetes.  Pay no attention to the fact that you’ve never exercised a day in your life- even though the doctor hounds you EVERY visit; you drink soda and eat every sugar laced piece of anything you can get your hands on 24/7—even though the doctor has repeatedly asked you to exercise and try a healthier diet.  But YOU’RE RIGHT!  This is so not your fault! Stupid doctor.

The burning question for me is how does this translate to the church?   What does the church do when an infection hits?  Does it just ignore the infection and hope it goes away or does it give up, consenting to a slow, painful death? 

In all seriousness, in many cases, there is a minor infection in a "leg" or "hand".  These are things that are painful, but with the proper treatment, healing can occur.  But in the direst instances, the infection is in the "brain" and the "heart" of the church. So in the minor and the dire, what is the choice of the church?  Does it:

a.)  follow the Doctors treatment plan?

b.)  ignore the illness or live with it, hoping it goes away?

c.)  or does it give up entirely and let the illness kill the church?

Unfortunately, what I have observed is this: the church first ignores.  And when the illness doesn’t go away, it then starts throwing blame around. After all, this is so not the church’s fault!  Right?

I’m convinced that the Doctor does know what he’s talking about.  Regrettably, we think we know better.   We don’t care what the Doctor says and we could care less about His possible treatment for the illness.  We’d rather ignore the minor infection.  But when we ignore the minor we risk it turning into a major infection that puts the church’s life at risk.

This happens over and over again because the church doesn’t want to listen to the Doctor.  It’s easier to ignore the problem or to just lay blame and talk it to death than participate in the treatment.  I often imagine and chaotic scene where members of said church are standing around looking for something, yet they don’t know what.  Bewildered, with shrugging shoulders and confused expressions- “we don’t understand!  How did this happen?” And when they can’t figure out the answer, the very next question is “whose fault is this?”

Prayer is not our first response.  If prayer is a response, sadly it’s a vague minute prayer whispered in a panicked hurry, forgotten about almost as quickly as it was uttered. Forgotten because the next conversation comes up regarding the issue of “How did this happen?” and “We need to get to the bottom of this.” Of course you must throw in your opinion.

I’m pretty sure the Doctor’s orders are very clear in many instances.   You want to know why there is an issue?  Funny thing is, we know Who to talk to and I’m not talking about a one minute- one sided obligatory “conversation”.  We surely better be seeking Him minute by minute; non-stop.  And it may behoove us to stop talking.  The more frantic we become, the louder we become and the less likely we are to actually hear God speak.

Basically, if there is an infection, you might want to shut up and listen to the Doctor.  You may not know the answer and you’re way of treating the infection may just kill you.  And ignorance is not bliss no more than the infection will magically disappear because you ignored it. But be sure that blaming someone else for the infection will not heal the infection.  It will probably race the minor to a major in a matter of seconds and your chances of survival just plummeted.

I’m just saying... that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.


2 Kings 20:12

 1 Some time later Hezekiah became deathly sick. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz paid him a visit and said, "Put your affairs in order; you're about to die—you haven't long to live." 

2-3 Hezekiah turned from Isaiah and faced God, praying: 
      Remember, O God, who I am, what I've done! I've lived an honest life before you, My heart's been true and steady, I've lived to please you; lived for your approval.   

And then the tears flowed. Hezekiah wept. 

4-6 Isaiah, leaving, was not halfway across the courtyard when the word of God stopped him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, prince of my people, 'God's word, Hezekiah! From the God of your ancestor David: I've listened to your prayer and I've observed your tears. I'm going to heal you. In three days you will walk on your own legs into The Temple of God. I've just added fifteen years to your life; I'm saving you from the king of Assyria, and I'm covering this city with my shield—for my sake and my servant David's sake.'" 

7 Isaiah then said, "Prepare a plaster of figs."   

They prepared the plaster, applied it to the boil, and Hezekiah was on his way to recovery. 

8 Hezekiah said to Isaiah, "How do I know whether this is of God and not just the fig plaster? What confirming sign is there that God is healing me and that in three days I'll walk into The Temple of God on my own legs?" 

9 "This will be your sign from God," said Isaiah, "that God is doing what he said he'd do: Do you want the shadow to advance ten degrees on the sundial or go back ten degrees? You choose." 

10 Hezekiah said, "It would be easy to make the sun's shadow advance ten degrees. Make it go back ten degrees." 

11 So Isaiah called out in prayer to God, and the shadow went back ten degrees on Ahaz's sundial.

Who needs a "Julie"?

In the quiet, unsuspecting moments of life, these little lessons pop up and we find ourselves stunned that we could gain so much from a seeming insignificant event. For me, I didn’t realize how much what happened that moment would mean to me until later on—years after it happened.

It was 1995, nearing the end of a summer. I was back in school for my junior year. Fall was quickly approaching, my absolute favorite time of year. Ah… Friday nights spent at football games with friends. My afternoons were spent “running”. Being a part of the cross country team was something I really enjoyed more than anything. (I was terrible, but had fun.) My friend Julie and I had decided that we were really going to try hard this season. No more walking and wandering off on the trails, we were serious this time. She had far more determination than I. Man, I was such a goof off! I always got busted walking when the coach would circle back to find those that lagged behind the pack. Who did he find? ME! Well, anyway, Julie and I were really going to do better—or I was, anyway. (I know I always held her back. Sorry, Jules!)

During one particular CC meet, Julie and I were running together. Great pace, really doing well. I was amazed that I was still running at the 2 mile mark. (Seriously, I was awful!) It was warmer that day and I was having a really hard time breathing. My asthma wasn’t terrible, but it was certainly no benefit. I told her I had to stop. She encouraged me to keep going. “Steady your breathing. We can slow the pace just a bit, but don’t stop.” So I kept going. My legs burned, my chest was tight and I could barely breathe. “I have to stop,” I said. “You keep going, I’ll catch up.” Well, that wasn’t acceptable to Julie. “Oh, no you don’t! You’re not stopping now, we’re almost there.”

It’s what happened next that changed me. Julie got behind me and put her hand in my back. She literally started pushing me, “Come on, Mel. We’re too close to the finish! We cross together, remember? Let’s go!” And so we finished the race together. My friend wouldn’t let me quit. My friend stayed with me, helped me focus and kept me going.

She probably has no idea know how often I think of that. She was so determined and just wanted to quit, but she wanted me to be determined, she wanted me to finish what I started—she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Quitting was not an option.

That meant a lot to me then, but so much more now. I want to be a friend like that. I want to come along side my friends who are tired and just want to quit. I want to literally push them along, helping them to focus and making sure they don’t quit. In turn, I want friends like that. To know that when my legs can’t keep running and I can’t catch my breath and I just want to quit, there is someone there—right beside me—who want let me quit. They may let me slow the pace or let me grab an inhaler, but they won’t let me quit what I started.
I’d love to feel that hand in my back pushing me. Not that I’m lazy, I just get distracted and lose focus so easily. The race seems daunting and all the other runners are SO MUCH better than me. Why do I even bother? I’m terrible. I get discouraged and can’t see how finishing the race would benefit anyone. So I need a “Julie” or two to help me stay the course and finish what I started.

Who needs a "Julie"?

Copyright ©  2009 brokensidewalks

Twilight: Let me explain myself

So before you go and jump to wild conclusions about me due to my fondness of the Twilight Saga, let me first explain why I am so fond of it.  While the books themselves will not stack up against the classics, they are a decent read.  The author makes it easy to imagine the characters and does a great job of bringing them to life.  The hook:  she also captures what any girl would want to capture if she were to write a story about the most interesting love story, with the most out of the ordinary characters.   She allows the reader to use their imagination and stretches that imagination in so many ways!

Edward Cullen isn’t quite Mr. Darcy, but there are similarities.

He’s not mysteriously enchanting like Gatsby, but Bella could be compared in some ways to Gatsby's Daisy.

He lacks the boyish desperation of Romeo.  I guess a 100+ years of life helps one mature a bit.

And  he pales in comparison to the southern charms of the dashing Rhett Butler.  Imagine a vampire raised in the high society such as that of the Butlers of Charleston, SC.

However, Edward Cullen offers something distinct that these fine gentlemen do not.  He is a vampire and his not your average, run-of-the-mill vampire.  He can read minds, he sparkles in the sunlight, he’s there when you need him, he knows exactly what to say, and he practices a great deal of self-control.  And… he’s a vegetarian.  This sparkling vampire does not kill humans.  


Take all your favorite leading men and roll them into one and I think you'll come pretty close to Edward Cullen.

Doesn’t do much for you?  Well, that’s okay—he’s not for everyone.

The Twilight Saga, when I read it, gave this “Thirty-something” a chance to feel young again!  It took me back to some of those “Cinderella” happenings and those “Romeo & Juliet” moments of my youth.  Reading the story of Bella and Edward (and even Jacob) brought back so many breathtaking and unpleasant memories of my adolescence.    Surely you remember?  So no, none of us literally fell in love with vampires (or werewolves), but you must remember your first love. 

You must remember the butterflies in your stomach.  The lump in your throat when you’d try to have a conversation but the right words never came out and you just sounded so stupid every time you spoke.  Or the moment you realized your guy friend could be more than a friend? Or how you’d bite your lip when you got nervous because, much like pinching yourself, you wanted to be sure you were alive and really experiencing every single second of what was happening and you promised yourself you’d never forget it.  Oh come on, you have to remember!    And let’s not forget the feeling when your love left you.  How you literally struggled for breath when Mr. Right walked away, leaving you standing in the school hallway fighting back tears AND everyone knew what happened???  Ugh.

It seems that the Twilight Saga could be a modern day Romeo & Juliet.  No, it doesn’t stand next to it and there is no literary comparison—but that’s not the point.  It’s still a heart wrenching love story and face it: chicks dig it.  We love a great love story.  Period.

Girls want to be pursued, to be wanted, desired; we love to know that we are everything—your life, your breath.   We even enjoy a little adventure and just enough danger to feel alive, all the while, knowing you will protect us.  We still want our Knight in Shining Armor full of honor and devotion. 

So I’m admitting that I cannot wait to see New Moon.   Think what you’d like of me, but sometimes I enjoy feeling like a 16 year old again- just for a moment- and take pleasure in a good little love story.   [Lovely background music comes to a screeching halt.] But be sure to know that I don’t care to go back to age 16.  Stupid boys breaking my fragile little heart, no Edward or Jacob to be found…

…I’m off to see New Moon.

hope is fading

Dear hope,

I am holding you in my hand, but I’m afraid I’m going to lose you. I’ve tried so hard to hang on to you, to believe even when the odds were stacked high against you! There was a time I believed you were invincible and unbreakable. Now you appear so fragile. It seems as if you could break at any moment, shatter into millions of little pieces. Oh if you were to break, I don’t know if I could put you back together again. Please don’t leave me, hope. Without you, I am nothing. I need you! You keep my eyes open, my heart open, my hands and feet moving—you are air and without you I will surely die. Hang on to me, hope. Hang on tight… please don’t let me go!  ~Melissa

hope: hoped, hop•ing, hopes
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: 2. To expect and desire.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.
Idiom:
hope against hope
To hope with little reason or justification.

Peter 1:6-8
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here… You love God even though you have never seen him; though not seeing him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with the inexpressible joy that comes from heaven itself. 1 Peter 1:6, 8 [TLB]
6-7I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
8-9You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation. [The Message]

A Kiss Makes Everything All Better

I recently spent some time with a dear friend and her daughter. It is always enlightening to watch other parents interact with their children. I really learn a lot just by watching and listening.

On this particular evening, it was late and my little friend was being a normal two-year old. She was off in her own little world playing in her own adventure, paying little attention to her mother and me. Of course, she’d come over intermittently to ask a question or give an update, but for the most part, she was in her own little world. Thankfully, we practically had the little café all to ourselves, which is nice when you’re balancing coffee time and mommy time.

Inevitably, as it happens when a child grows weary and no longer wishes to do as you ask them to do, my little friend started “arguing” in two year old fashion with her mother. I watched as my mommy friend practiced lovely patience and kindness. I watched as my two-year old friend practiced independence and defiance. My mommy friend tried, but to no avail, her little girl was just not listening. So, a firm swat to the rear end was handed down from mommy to daughter.

Heartbroken, my little friend faked a pitiful cry. She looked up at her mommy, eyes wide with the sweetest countenance on her face.

“Kiss it,” she said.

“I don’t kiss spankings,” said my mommy friend.

I could see the wheels of thought turning in her head.

“Can you kiss I’m sorry’s?” asked my little friend.

My mommy friend looked over to me, hiding a huge smile from her precious daughter. Of course, my littlest friend received a kiss on the head and a hug and with that-- she was off to continue playing. Our evening was over shortly after that, as our coffee time and mommy time would have ended badly had we tried to make my little friend stay out much later.

Ever since then, I’ve been thinking about the question.

“Can you kiss I’m sorry’s?”

I don’t know. Can you?

Thank You, Daddy

Veteran’s Day 2009

Dear Daddy,

I’m guessing today may be a difficult day for you.  Your mind is probably flooded with memories—faces, names, places—people that I’ll never meet, names I’ll never know and places I’ll never see…

Standing in the darkness of evening, I approached The Three Soldiers.  Naturally, my eyes fell on the wall. The sight their eyes are forever fixed upon.  My heart sank and I was overwhelmed with deep sadness.  It was quiet and calm there—somber.  I sat down for a moment, crying and trying to catch my breath.  It was as if I was overcome by memories that were not my own. 

Eventually, I made my way towards the wall.  It was beautiful, but I felt horrible thinking that.  How could a memorial with names of thousands of dead soldiers be beautiful?  I imagined these soldiers all around me and the spirits of the memories.  So many lives represented there- directly and indirectly.  I wondered what names you would recognize and how many you knew.  How that must pain your heart to remember.  I hesitated to touch the wall, but I reached out for one brush against the cool, black granite.  In that moment, I felt connected to you in a way I had never felt before.  I leaned in close to the wall and breathed an almost inaudible whisper into the ears of the soldiers, “you have not been forgotten- thank you.” 

Daddy, you served your country well and I'll be forever proud.  You did what your country asked of you and there is great honor in that.   I don’t know how you feel or what you think, I simply have a vivid imagination.  But I know there is great sadness in your eyes when you talk about Vietnam.  I don’t know much about your experience there.  You’ve told me to ask, but I hesitate for I don’t want to unhinge memories that are better left quiet and still. 

I remember wanting so desperately to enlist in the Army or even the Marines—anything to make you proud and follow in your footsteps of service to our country.  But you sternly refused and gently encouraged me in other directions.  I remember you telling me through laughter, “you’ll mouth off to the wrong person and get in a lot of trouble!”  (The same reasons you encouraged me NOT to pursue a career as a server at a restaurant.  You had visions of me pouring drinks in laps of incredibly rude customers!)  You were definitely right.  I didn’t have it in me to be a soldier—or a waitress.

Daddy, I love you and I’m proud of you.   When you think that no one remembers, know that I do.  And while my memories are very different from yours, I’m so grateful that you and so many men and women have sacrificed much for my freedom.  

I Love You,

Melissa Gail

In the Eye of the Beholder

I have a vile repulsion to the act of staring. Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that staring is on the top of my "Do Not Like" list.  I have never had an ounce of patience for staring!  Maybe its because I heard my mom tell me over and over "Don't stare, dear".   Watching my children, I know they are almost mesmerized by some people.  Whether we're in line at the grocery store or seated at a restaurant table, the little eyes always seem to wander.  You know, they find the lady with purple hair or the man dressed like a lady... or the tattoos or piercings.  Kid's stare.  Adults stare-- this is what I have no patience for.

Sometimes she just stares at me. She watches me doing the most mundane to the magnificent.  I mean, she stares without blinking sometimes!  When I do the mundane chores like dishes or folding laundry... okay, well, she spends less time staring in those moments and more time getting into whatever it is I don't want her to get into.  Then, when I attempt the magnificent chores like putting on make-up or brushing my hair. You know, I take the scary and make it a little more presentable.  She is fascinated with these chores!

I remember the very first time I caught her staring. It's amazing really, as she was only a few hours old. There she lay, in the hospital bassinet...  My eyes were closed and I was trying to sleep in the semi-quiet hospital room so tired from the events that took place just hours before. With my eyes closed and sleep so close I could taste it... I sensed she was looking at me. I opened my eyes to find her little blue eyes fixed right on me. Our eyes locked. My baby girl was staring right at me! It was a moment I'll never forget.  It was startling, actually.  I just laid there, afraid to move.  And she just stared.  Naturally, I had to pick her up and hold her.  Her eyes drew me in like I was under a spell. I just had to hold her!

I felt it again yesterday. I could sense her eyes on me. When I turned around, there those baby blues were just looking at me so intently. It's  less like a staring and more like watching.  A smile crept across her face and then a little giggle came out! I smiled to as we shared our moment.

It's a feeling like nothing else. There aren't words to describe what it does to me when our eyes meet like that. And no, I don't get angry. It's quite the opposite, really. I'm overwhelmed and almost forget to breathe when our eyes lock.  There is a mixture of emotions.  I feel the pressure, slightly panicked.  I mean, what if I mess up while she's watching?

Mostly, I wonder what she's thinking. And what does she think of me? Thankfully, she's unaware of the internal list of "dislikes" I see when I look at myself. She doesn't know that my hair is in need of a trim and I need to decide which color it is going to be. She can't see that my eyebrows are uneven because I decided to wax them myself or that I hide behind poorly blended make-up. She can't see that I'm 50 pounds over weight or that my teeth are crooked or that I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. Thankfully, she can't see these things.

Looking in her eyes, in that moment, I feel beautiful and strong.  In her eyes, I see happiness, love, and kindness.  When we share these moments, I am comfortable in my skin and confident in my role as "momma".   It's almost as if her faith and love literally gives me a sense of real confidence, void of insecurities-- pure and lovely.

Oh my darling little girl, in these moments... It is important that you know how much you are loved. You are lacking nothing.  Your hair, your nose, your legs, feet, hands, arms... ALL of you is perfect just the way you are and always will be. I'm proud of who you are and I don't want you to change one single thing.

I pray I can be the mother and friend that you need in your life.  I pray I can show you beauty and grace;  Love and kindness.  I pray that I can show you quiet confidence and just how valuable you are.  I pray that God completes the sentences that I am unable to complete. 

Abigail, may your love change the world. May you laugh endlessly! When the tears fall, and I know they will, I pray those tears journey to your heart, as if watering a blooming flower, giving your beautiful heart strength as it grows in love. Oh my darling daughter, when your reflection you see, I pray you will smile and know that you are wonderfully made-- crafted by an amazing God. Be fearless, my daughter, humble, patient, kind, gentle, loving... and never be afraid to be the girl God created you to be.