Yes...No...Maybe so...

Somewhere in between happiness and sadness lies neutrality. At the risk of stating the obvious, that means one is neither happy nor sad. Perhaps ambivalent would be at the middle of the scale… the neutral zone. Although, to say that one living at the 5 on a scale of 1-10 has no feeling one way or the other, may not be entirely true. For me to say that I’m neither happy nor sad doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t feel both. It means that I don’t know if I’m cheerful or depressed. Bottom line: I’m mentally conflicted.

We’re returning from our family vacation and to say that I’m sad would lead someone to believe that I may not have had a good time. However, to say that I am happy wouldn’t be entirely true, though. I must state that we have had a good vacation. The children had a fantastic time. I’m exhausted and feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and run over by many, many, many vehicles following the bus attack. The reason for my exhaustion is of course my 7 week old daughter who really doesn’t “sleep” through the night. Although she never really completely wakes up, she just lies there and fusses until someone picks her up and feeds her. Again, the really sleep through the feeding thus leaving whomever is feeding her to be the one that isn’t asleep. Typically, it is me who is feeding the little pink bundle of joy. But let’s be honest: at 3am, there isn’t much that thrills my soul as sleep does. At 3am, as much as I love my daughter, I’d honestly really like to be asleep.

“Oh the horror of it all!” Hey now, I’m not a terrible mother, I’m just extremely tired and feeling honest! So I’m not in love with the 3am feedings… I don’t hate them and I’m quite sure I will survive.

Isn’t it odd when the sun is shining and the sky is slightly blue, yet rain is falling? That has always fascinated me. It’s as if the sky is conflicted… it neither wants to rain nor does it want to keep all it’s tears in. Poor sky, it’s in that neutral zone.

To rain or not to rain…
To be happy or not to be happy…
These are the questions.

Boiling Bottles at the Beach

So, we arrived to Mrytle Beach for our vacation last night. Today, it rained! We've survived and I'm sure the sun will come out tomorrow. Right??? I spent the evening cleaning bottles and decided to make sure they are REALLY clean. So, I boiled them. What's a vacation if you can't boil a bottle at the beach??

Hold on

Babies need to be held and held often. I had forgotten about how important that is. After welcoming our daughter into the world, I’ve been trying to remember all the baby stuff I had learned from years ago. Folks have commented along the way that I’m a pro and know what to do. It’s funny how much of the baby business you forget! Of course, I’m a forgetful kind of girl… so maybe it’s just me.

When I picked up my baby girl today, the thought came to mind “babies need to be held and held often”. Oh to feel that kind of comfort that she seems to feel when I pick her up and hold her. All that may trouble her seems to slip away when I wrap my arms around her and whisper gentle hushes in her ear. Her eyes become heavy and she trails off to sleep again with not a care in the world.

I can remember how safe I used to feel in my father’s arms. A bad day, not feeling well, or just needing to be comforted for every reason under the sun, my dad was always there to hold me. Somewhere along the line, I’ve let those memories slip back to the archives. I tend to ignore the fact that I still need to be held every now and again—and it’s okay to need to be held. It occurred to me that I am so childlike and at times almost like a baby. I need to be held and held often. Perhaps it’s more difficult to admit as an adult, but true nonetheless.

Each time I hold my children, I’m overwhelmed with love. I’m reminded that their cherished lives are so carefree and they are so trusting. I can still hold each of them in their time of need and what ever troubles their tender hearts is wiped away. My children need to be held and held often… so they never forget that they are loved.

You Need Not Climb Mountaintops

I feel like writing... I want to write... but as soon as I begin, nothing good comes to mind. Actually, my stream of thought is so wild and thoughts fly in thousands of random directions. My brain is much and I am distracted.

Still no baby and no signs. What's a few more days? Right? Ha... wrong!

Annoying.

Done.

Kidney Stones and Baby Bones

I’ll tell you… this pregnancy has been an interesting journey for me. This weekend, I had the privilege of battling a kidney stone (at least I pray there was only one). Not only am I 36 weeks pregnant, my body was invaded by a stone… in my kidney. I can deal with the little elbows poking me, the feet jabbing, and the rolling from side to side… but the kidney stone was in a league of its own.

As I writhed in the bed moaning and groaning in pain, I thought that I could possibly be dying. As I crouched beside the toilet and found comfort in the cool of its porcelain, I thought this must be the end. As the sweats came intertwined with shivers, I then thought surely this cannot get any worse. From 2am until 6pm, this was my routine. And finally, a moment of clarity came around 6pm when I was able to keep down some water that I had sipped on. And oh, what’s this: an appetite? I was then able to keep down a little breakfast bar. The moment of truth: can I keep down this high power pain pills that my Doctor had called in for me? YES!!!!!!!! Sweet relief in fuzzy la la land, but who cares! I didn’t feel a thing, couldn’t think straight and couldn’t stay awake. Glorious sweet relief!

I cannot deny that I had been praying for a miracle and that God would show mercy and heal me. I’d been praying that he would take the pain away and He did. I won’t give all the credit to the pills.

What have learned from this? Drink lots of water and pray to God that this never happens again!

It’s Just One of Those Days

Sometimes I wonder when it happens. Often times, I’m so completely caught off guard that I don’t even notice when the hurt creeps up and bites me on the back side. This morning I was fine! I was happy and excited about my baby and my boys… life is good. But at this very moment, it has dawned on me that I’m not longer happy, I’m quite discouraged and down. When did that happen?

It is most obvious to me that within my job, I am being phased out. Part of that must be natural as I am preparing for leave, the rest of the staff must also prepare for my leave. However, this feels like more than that to me. Is it paranoia or reality? Is it just as simple as “she won’t be here, don’t bother her with it” or is there more? I guess it would all be sheer speculation, but it feels as if there is something more.

I feel as though I have a very keen intuition. Now, don’t misunderstand: I feel many things and have certain thoughts and opinions about myself. Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that within my job my quality of work is lack luster and I’m not dependable. Of all the things that I thought I knew about myself, those were two that I thought I knew well. Apparently, I was incorrect in my assessment of myself. Now back to the intuition: I’m not sure if “intuition” is the right word, but just as I have a keen sense of smell and don’t miss much from that arena… I don’t miss much when it comes to the body language and non-verbal cue’s from others. The non verbal’s that I’m receiving around the office are screaming quite loudly and the things they are saying are very hurtful.

BUT- I’m trying to keep it all in perspective.

I am a good person.
I am a hard worker.
I am dedicated and dependable.
I am kind and thoughtful.
I am generous.
I am knowledgeable about many things.
And I always do the best that I can… but I cannot change how others view me or if they decide they wish me to be something I’m not.

“Que sera, sera… whatever will be will be…”

This day will end and be forever cemented in the past. I don’t have to come back to it, I don’t have to live it over and over. It’s just a day and I’m sure there will be something very positive that comes out of it.

****BREAKING NEWS*****

I'm always the last to know... but New Kids are coming back:  http://www.nkotb.com/

30 Years and counting...

So today is a momentous day for me.  30 years ago, my life changed forever when I was placed with my parents.  Each year, we celebrate my Adoption Day and today is the day!  I have many thoughts on the matter, none that I can write about at the moment, but I can say this:  I'm very blessed and thankful!  My life has been a good life and a person really can't ask for more than that.

Traffic Jam!

It seems as of late, the story of my life aligns closely with traffic. I wake in the morning grumpy as I consider all that I must to during a very short 16-18 hours. What I dread most about getting ready for my day in the wee hours just before sunrise, is the traffic that I KNOW I will face. I don’t dread my daily shower or the ability to get “dressed up”. I don’t dread hair and makeup, I don’t even dread the struggle to wake up my 7 year old and aid him in getting ready for his day. The dark cloud the storms and rains above me is the awareness of TRAFFIC. My 16 mile commute takes 45 minutes to an hour most mornings. (Yes, I’m aware that it could be worse.) This has become something that I simply detest. I sit bumper to bumper- hesitation kills- don’t pull out in front of me- move out of my way- just go- traffic EVERY MORNING just to arrive at my destination beat up and worn out. My shoulders ache from the stress of 10 and 2 hand placement on the wheel and I’m constantly wondering when some freak driver is going to plow through with road rage and hit poor, innocent me! Of course, I sit for 8 hours in a crappy cube and really no longer enjoy my job only to leave defeated each day to face afternoon TRAFFIC. I try to listen to the radio, make phone calls… sing… anything to provide distraction, but it still leaves me tattered and worn when I arrive home—AN HOUR LATER FOR A 16 MILE COMMUTE!

Just yesterday, my TRAFFIC experience summed it up. It was 5:30pm when I left work and I knew what was coming up. The lines of cars were backed up 2 miles before my exit onto the “expressway” crap road. I thought, let’s take an alternate route. (Yeah, so did everybody else.) I sat, once more, bumper to bumper, light after light… growing more and more frustrated and hungry by the minute when it occurred to me, “I can turn off here, turn there, and arrive here, placing me on my side of town quicker than the route I’m on.” The one good decision I happened to make. Traffic was still heavy, but smoother when I took plan C. Mile-ing along as opposed to inching along, I crept closer to my goal. I called Jeff to let him know I was like 5 minutes away, going the speed limit, traffic easing… I came around a bend in the road and SLAM, BOOM, BANG…break lights, ambulance, fire truck=wreck.

THE FREAKING STORY OF MY LIFE! Cruising along, alright, okay, I can handle this and eeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrtttttttt: complete stop. I so can’t handle this! The good news is that yesterday, the road wasn’t completely blocked and as quickly as I came to a stop, I started off again.

Please, God, help me not to define my life by TRAFFIC. Help me to keep on trucking along even when it absolutely sucks. Teach me to find joy in TRAFFIC and peace along the road home. Dear God, please keep me safe from accidents, help me to help those who find themselves involved in accidents and PLEASE HELP ME TO FIND A WAY TO BE GRATEFUL FOR TRAFFIC!

Alright: Who Gave the Pregnant Lady the FLU?

Okay... I guess I should clarify that I'm not sure that I actually have the flu, I'm only speculating. I could be suffering from sheer exhaustion, but whose keeping track. Honestly, I had hoped that by this stage in my pregnancy, I would be enjoying it a bit more. Not one to give up hope, I'm still hanging on for the sunshine! :) Camping out by the bathroom is really no fun at all.

The BATHROOM RENOVATION:
Top it all off, we're down to one bathroom for us all to share. The master bath is undergoing some cosmetic surgery that seems to be taking quite a while. You'd think we had a hugantic space with a massive tub and shower and his and hers closets... oh wait... thats my next house! HA! We're talking the basics: shower, toilet, sink, floor, walls and ceiling. I'm beginning to think I should have picked up a Do-It-Yourself book and taken on the project myself! We've evacuate our room completely and I miss my bed! I miss my bathroom!!!!! Oh to have it all put back together...

Off for another round of sleep. It's really bad when you don't even feel like reading... :( Of course, it could be worse. I do remember a time in college where I really thought I was going to die as I was so sick. This isn't that bad, but I'm just going to whine about it a little more!

So Sensitive

"Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant." ~Jim Cole

It could be a movie, a commercial, a song, a glance from a stranger... it could be anything that sets my eyes to burning, tears welling, lip quivering and thus begins the flood.  Oh my, I'm a grown woman and I cry at the drop of a hat.  Of course, I'm a pregnant grown woman, and I think that must have something to do with it!

Random**Random**Random

1/26/08

If wishes and dreams would give me wings, I'd fly, fly, fly...

So I'm into my 18th week and feeling... tired.  Who would have guessed?Besides the fact that I don't sleep well at all, I'm having bizarre dreams. My favorite thus far was about a week ago when I dreamt that I was carrying twin boys. During some very odd procedure, the Dr. lifted off the top of my stomach as if it were a lid. I peered down at the two boys. They were looking up at me smiling and laughing. I asked them what they wanted to be called and the first one, in a very tiny voice, said "I want to be called Cyrus." The other, in another tiny voice, said "I want to be called Jonathan." Then the Dr. closed the lid and said I was almost ready to have the babies. Now to me, the oddest part of the dream were the name choices my babies mentioned. Those names aren't on my list, not even at the bottom of my list! Of course, I know there is only one baby, but I don't know the gender at this point. The other dreams are varied, some are weird, while others are not.

My news for this week is my awful haircut. I went from one length (shoulder) to a bob. It's not the style that I don't like, it was a really bad cut.We'll see if I can get it fixed!

Well, my boys are fighting in the back yard..back to the real world...

And the pregnant lady rants and raves...

1/24/08

So I have done this before. Really, I swear. But I don't remember it being like this!!!! My back aches, I feel like someone kicked me square on my tailbone, I'm EXHAUSTED, and my head hurts ALL THE TIME and I cannot sleep for the life of me!!!! The last time I had a baby, I was 25 years old... is that what makes the difference? I mean really, 5 years can't make that much difference!

I despise complaining all the time. It makes me feel like "eyeore" or as if I'm ungrateful. Trust me, I'm incredibly grateful... I am, I am, I am. BUT I HURT ALL OVER and I still have like 5 months to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A big fancy 4 door truck ran me off the road this morning on my way to work. I was livid! What on earth could be that important that you would run a pregnant lady off the road? I mean really. I was going to call the company and rip someone a new one, but lost the desire long about 10am when the hunger hit. All I could think about was food at that point. Then I figured the driver obviously didn't care and thankfully didn't kill me or injure me. I guess had that happened I would have really been mad! :)

So I'm not even half way there, I'm pretty miserable, and can't think straight due to the exhaustion. Maybe I'll just eat some more chocolate as that brightens my day, drink water (had to give up caffeine)and wallow in my misery for a bit longer--- all the while praying God allows me to find a bit of joy at this stage!

A

In the beginning, she was able to keep up with friends and family across the country. Slowly but surely, she forgot what she posted where and who she told what! Between Facebook,MySpace, and Yahoo, she couldn't stay organized.

The story of my life... so here I am again. A new place, a new page to try to update. So many people blog, it seems it must be an easy thing to do. I love to write, but I'm not sure how I feel about posting for all to see!

Same is now 7 and Jamie is on his way to 5. Baby Girl Wilson will arrive in late June and I have no idea what we will name her. We'll celebrate our 10 year anniversary in October-- shocking! Life is good despite the craziness.