I'm mad at myself today.

I'm mad at myself today.  

I'm mad that I care about ridiculous things that DO NOT matter.  I'm mad that there are certain things that take up space in my brain and use up my time.  Valuable time. When I open my eyes, there is a lot to see.  

1. There are people who are in pain every day. Physical and emotional.  
2. People who feel unlovable.  They think no one will every love them.  
3. There are people who are drowning in sorrow. Darkness has swallowed them and they cannot see light. 
4. There are people one step from the ledge, ready to jump. 
5. Children in my community are starving.
6. People are being sold as slaves all around the world, including the U.S.A.
7. People are killing themselves because they think that is the solution.    

When I really open my eyes and my heart, I see and feel a big, beautiful world filled with so much good.  But I cannot deny there is also so much sadness.  I tend to only think about my own family, my own life.  My time is spent worrying about how we will pay the bills.  My brain obsesses with past hurts, pains. I get consumed in me.

When I open my eyes, I see people all around me living with their eyes closed.  What really breaks my heart is seeing people without hope.  

What can I do? Is there anything I can do? How do I help someone see hope? How do I help someone find hope?

There are things that I should give my time and energy to.  There are things that hurt me and should hurt me.  There are things in this life that absolutely break my heart.

There are things that need to move me to speak and think and act.
 

• My Aunt's grandson, Crew, passed away August 26, 2011 at the age of three. A total of 1,596,670 new cancer cases and 571,950 deaths from cancer are projected to occur in the United States in 2011. American Cancer Society 

• An average of one person dies by suicide EVERY 16.2 MINUTES. Depression is the strongest risk factor for suicide. Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year. EVERY 2 HOURS AND 11 MINUTES a person under the age of 25 completes suicide.  It's estimated that for every adolescent who completes suicide, there are between 50 and 200 suicide attempts. A recent survey of high-school students found that almost 1 in 5 had seriously considered suicide; more than 1 in 6 had made plans to attempt suicide; and more than 1 in 12 had made a suicide attempt in the past year. SAVE

• An Estimated 1 in 10 U.S. adults report depression. Among 235,067 adults (in 45 states, the District of Columbia [DC], Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands), 9.1% met the criteria for current depression, including 4.1% who met the criteria for major depression. Center for Disease Control and Prevention;  An Estimated 1 in 10 U.S. Adults Report Depression

• Human trafficking is the second largest and fastest growing criminal industry worldwide An estimated 2.5 million people are in forced labor (including sexual exploitation) at any given time as a result of trafficking.http://www.humantrafficking.org/

• Between 2008 and 2009, the poverty rate increased for children under the age of 18 from 19.0 percent to 20.7 percent. Thus one in five children in the United States live in poverty. Almost half of these children (9.3 percent) live in extreme poverty. US Department of Health and Human Services   

 

At the age of 14, my Granddaddy lost his battle with cancer.  It was the first loss I had experienced.  With faith like a child, I knew God was going to heal him.  God didn't heal him.  He died.  I was devastated.  

A year later, a dear friend committed suicide.  Once again, I found myself at a complete loss.  No answers to my questions, no ounce of understanding.  I was haunted by  nightmares as my friend screamed out for me to save him.  I didn't know how.  I tried, but I failed.

When postpartum depression invaded my life, I had no clue what hit me.  I do not know how to properly describe a life lived daily hindered by something you cannot explain.  As an outside observer, you may not understand it.  Let me be the first to tell you that just because you cannot understand it, does not make it any less real.  

My reality, at it's worst, was like being trapped inside my own body.  I could see and hear, but I could not see clearly nor hear well; everything is fuzzy and faint.  There was no color, only black and white.  I could touch, but only as a sense, I didn't really feel.  The worst part is the pain you feel, but it's like you lose the ability to feel happiness.  So much so that you forget happiness exists.  My focus was always on my pain, because it's all I was able to think about.  The things that used to bring you so much joy now mean very little.  You internalize everything.  Distance is your protection.  If I don't get close to anyone, they will not see, they will not know, they will not hurt me.  

At my darkest point, my thought was that the best solution was for me to disappear.  Everyone would be better off if I wasn't here.  My children would be happier.  My husband would have peace.  My family wouldn't be bothered with me.  The most frightening times were in the early hours of the morning, before dawn.  I'd lay awake, a victim of insomnia, staring at the ceiling, thinking of ways I could disappear into the night--without a trace.  It was a horrible.  A horrible, haunting, dark feeling.  I just wanted to disappear.

Remembering is painful.  But if I refuse to remember,  it's as if I say my experience wasn't real.  I know what I experienced and I know if I experienced it, there are others who have or who are.  While my depression is currently in  "remission",  there are a lot of someones out there who haven't been diagnosed or treated or properly dealt with the repercussions of depression.

I feel this urgency.  This desire to reach out into the darkness and grab for anyone who will let me pull them out, but I'm really afraid that I'm just not strong enough... but isn't that what we're supposed to do?  

I've now lost 3 friends to suicide. I'm only 33.